🦅🩶 — 아빠 같은 형 사랑해 ˎˊ˗

I have been postponing this and... well... One of my old therapists once told me that writing a letter to someone, even though they can never see it, might help. So here we go, I guess.

tw: loss, grief, mental health struggles

Hey Jackson, I don’t even know if I will post this, to be honest. Maybe I will, just to let the world know about you. I don’t know. I have been meaning to write this for a while now regardless lol.

Let's start with how much of a help you were to me. Even before I knew I was trans, or at least trans masc, you helped me just by being there, by being my little online dad/big brother from another family. You were more of a father to me than my own father and more of a brother than my own brother. You were fun and really cool, I looked up to you.

It's ironic how we met on Amino with C, K, H, L and A (and probably more people I forgot about), how you were the oldest and honestly the most down-to-earth one out of everyone. It's probably because we were all mostly kids lying about our age just to be taken seriously or something. You knew for sure.

You would get irritated at their childish behavior and get all annoyed. To them you were all serious and "boring", I'm sure. But with me? You were goofy as fuck when you wanted to be lmao. I absolutely loved teasing you, laughing with you, being all serious with you even. It was clear you saw me as your son and tolerated everyone else just to keep in with me. For several reasons, I didn't really use other social media till late, and well, privacy for both of us, I think. Didn't care and still don't, honestly. I still find it adorable how you chose to stick around just to be my dad/big bro... :sparkles:

When you told me a little about your past and how tragic it was, I was so mad at everyone who caused you suffering. Then you told me that you battled cancer before but won, so I was like, "Man, this guy is tough. I am so glad he gets to live longer", safe to say, when you told me that it came back, I was devastated.

It was just a while ago that you told me about getting serious with your boyfriend and then sending me a pic of your baby after. You were so happy. I felt like I was getting myself a younger sibling, maybe one that I could tell how incredible you indeed were. I was so happy for you. I didn't want to believe you could be gone in a moment.

Then life happened. We couldn't talk much anymore with high school and shit in my life, and well, your struggles and sickness and baby in yours.

When I learned the news, it was a shock. I didn't even get to say goodbye to you. I found out thanks to your partner editing your profile and the baby picture you shared being gone, deleted. I wish I kept in with you and told you how I felt about you and how much I appreciated you to your face truly when you were still here.

I didn't want to believe you were gone when I found out. My mind didn't want to believe it, either. I hoped it wouldn't be true. But honestly? I know I just didn't want to accept that you were gone forever.

You were honestly one of the sweetest people I have ever met. You were ive, chill, down to earth, yet also goofy as fuck, at least with me and some other lucky people... I genuinely miss you Jackson. You were one of the few people who had a great impact on me and my life in a good way. I don't know if I would still be around if I didn't have you. I don't know if I could still be breathing if I didn't have your ive ass and the thought of, "Well, if even he can still fight and stay alive, so can I", maybe it was a little insensitive to think that way.. I it, but you made me stay just by being there, being the father/big bro I needed. 🫂

As I figured out that I am trans, probably because my dumbass doubts my every thought, honestly I really wished (and wish) you could be here. My family isn't exactly ive, no. They want me to be a certain ideal way of being a man to be a man, basically, which isn't fun to face, really. I am pre-t and everything as of now thanks to being a doubtful person w a homophobic family lol. Even though I know I never felt like a girl in my entire damn life, they don't help. But if you were still here, you would tell me to not give a fuck about what they say and be myself. You would reassure me that I am, in fact, a man. Unlike my own biological family, you would be there for me, like actually there for me. If someone needs to show me the men's world, I don't want it to be my homophobic brother and homophobic dad. I want it to be you. I wish it could be you because I know you would tell me what they are saying is bullshit and just me, man.. be my real fucking father/big bro like back in the day.

I genuinely miss you. I hate that I postponed this for so long that I don't simple details I knew about you back then. I just didn't process your loss, couldn't believe you were actually gone. Dealt with real life shit, didn't really have time to actually realise, "Well, fuck, he is actually gone forever", you know?

I wish I could have gotten to know your partner, seen your baby grow up, watched you be all excited and happy for the future AND actually saw you enjoying it. I still your excitement dad. I still how you told me, "Well, my life sucked, but at least I am happy with my partner now and having a baby together", saying you could finally be at peace, happy. Maybe it is weird to call you dad still after years, but you will always be my dad/big bro Jackson. 🫶🏼

I hope that I somehow made you feel like a father or big brother to me. I know it isn't the same as watching your baby grow up, but at least personally, am glad that you were the father or big brother I desperately needed. Maybe it wasn't the same yeah, but thank you for being my father when I needed one desperately, when I wasn't really in a good mental place (just like rn ittedly lol). I wish you were still here, guiding me, being all wise and cool.. I miss you a shit ton. I don't think I will ever really accept that you are gone gone. But writing this actually helped a little, you know?

I still want to visit South Korea, but not because I'm a K-pop fan, lol. I want to feel closer to you at least once in my lifetime. More specifically Seoul.

I will never forget you, Jackson. You are my hero, my idol. Thank you for sticking around even when you didn't need to. Thank you for being you. Thank you for everything. :bouquet:

________________________

[If I was dying on my knees

You would be the one to rescue me

And if you were drowned at sea

I'd give you my lungs so you could breathe

I've got you, brother...|https://youtu.be/m6TXPNybrmk?si=xPJoMMIsiAR-FkeY]

________________________

I appreciate you. Fly high. 🦅🩶

Life wasn't fair to you, and it breaks my heart knowing you didn't get more time to enjoy the happiness you finally found. But I'll carry your memory with me, always. You mattered, Jackson. You still do.

사랑해 아빠 같은 형 🩶 :kr:

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