living with chronic pain.

[general TW because this is not a light post. lots of swearing, lots of bad mood.]

hello hello, tis i, the bane of your existence

i'm technically on hiatus right now, but i had a... Discussion with a "friend" recently. the "" is intentional, we are not friends anymore and you'll understand why.

let's just say that they heard that i'm working on my disability right now, and apparently their humble, professional opinion is that i am not disabled.

so. here i am. making a post about my days, and why i believe that i count as disabled. not severely disabled, of course. i work like every other person, and compared to other people i don't have it that bad.

but there's no use in comparing myself to others, because that doesn't cure my pains now, does it?

(that being said, i will not tolerate any negative comments. doesn't matter if they're about others, about disabilities in general, or me and my conditions. this post is less educational and more me trying to show you what a person with chronic pain may experience.)

so, let's go.

what's the problem exactly?

so, i've been living with back problems all my life. i always knew that i have scoliosis, i just never got the diagnosis thanks to my ignorant parents. it was finally diagnosed last year.

a more recent discovery is an injury that sits in my lower spine, close to where i also have scoliosis. it's most likely that i contracted the injury from an instance of physical bullying in 6th grade, and it just never really healed.

both that injury and the scoliosis are causing me pains that, on most days, are fairly minor and underlying. on the pain scale*, it would probably be 3. however there are also days where it turns to 6-8, or a 9 if i exhausted myself too much while working.

(*it's common knowledge at this point, but in case you don't know, the pain scale is something used to describe comfort/discomfort, or pain. as the name says, it's a scale that goes from 1-10. 1 is something akin to uncomfortable pressure, and 10 is a knife straight to the stomach. that's how i'd say it, at least.

a 3 would be the type of period cramps that you definitely feel, but can ignore once you get used to them. an 8 is a constantly repeating punch straight in the nipple, impossible to ignore and very sharp.)

unfortunately for me, it's not just my back, but also my foot which i broke a while back. it's supposed to be fully healed by now, because though the placement was Problematic at best, the fracture wasn't that bad. it was a clean cut, if you get what i mean.

however i still have a lot of pain from it, on a similar scale as my back. technically those pains shouldn't even be there, because like i said it should be fully healed and my doctor shares that opinion. in other words, we don't know yet what's causing the pain, and my doctor wants to give it a couple of months before further testing.

so. there's that.

before you say anything, my doctor and i are trying to find a way to at least solve my back pains, however it is very likely that most of them cannot be resolved because it has indeed turned chronic.

(obviously i am leaving some details out, but that's just because i don't feel comfortable sharing them.)

how it affects my life

one thing that many people suffering from chronic pain will tell you, is that there are good days and bad days!

good days don't necessarily mean that the pain is gone, just... more subconscious, and underlying. like i already mentioned, a normal day for me would be a solid 2 or 3 on the pain scale. it's become so normal that i don't necessarily notice it anymore, maybe only on occasion when there's an uncomfortable twinge.

but i do notice it fairly quickly when it's a bad day. keep in mind that it's different for everyone! but for me, i can sorta feel it the moment my body whirrs to life after waking up, and between my foot and back it's usually the back pain that i feel first.

there are a few more ways that bad days affect me, not just the pains. sometimes i'll have trouble breathing, or i'll be especially sensitive to temperatures or an upset stomach. what happens the most is that i'm unbalanced, and my hands are especially shaky and loose. i'll drop things more often, or have trouble standing/walking, or working with my hands.

(Editor Bane here. it is currently 10:33am, i'm going over this post to edit before i go to work in half an hour. i'm putting in this quick note because it just so happens that i have a Bad day right now!

it's an unusual one too, with my foot being the main problem at a 6 on the scale. you'd think that a 6 is not so bad, but based on my experience it WILL get bad. indeed i am also having my psychosomatic breathing troubles again, and my hands won't cooperate. because God took one look at me and decided that i simply am too happy.

i don't like foretelling my own future.)

(2nd edit: it's almost 5pm CET, and the pain went up to a 9. i can officially confirm that i'm having a flare-up. i'm really considering just going home and crying into my pillow.)

i still work 40 hours a week right now, and that's... not ideal. most of the time (if i'm having a bad day) i'll just clench my teeth and pull through. i'll also take as many breaks as i can, and just... deal with it once i get home. but that doesn't make it any easier. not really, anyway.

there are also especially bad days where, with my back and foot combined, i can't walk properly without using something as , like a crutch. on those days, the pain is indeed very, very bad. as in, a "lying in bed in complete darkness, sobbing quietly and wanting to die" kinda bad.

those days don't happen often! the last one was several months ago.

it happened only once that i had to call in sick because the pain had become unbearable, and luckily i have a very healthy work environment with an employer who understands and excuses me.

guys. it sucks.

i'm gonna be very frank here. don't feel insulted if this doesn't concern you. absolutely feel insulted if it does.

there are, unfortunately, many people on the internet who will lie, pretending that they have various physical or mental illnesses to garner attention and/or empathy, and fame. most of the time, they'll pretend to have DID, or ADHD/Autism, but i have seen many people who will come to school with a hangover and say, quote, "it's totally, like, chronic pain lol."

i don't mean anyone in this community. i'm generally speaking of people i have met IRL. and i know that most are aware already, but i really feel the need to drive the point home.

guys. chronic pain is not cute.

chronic pain is not just a little headache you'll get once in a while and then you're fine. that's a migraine.

chronic pain, for me, is this sharp tug in my ankle that will not be relieved, no matter what i do. chronic pain is that growing feeling that my spine is corroded, or rusting away, and there's nothing i can do. chronic pain is having to pick up everything with two hands, carefully, because i'm scared that i'll drop it.

chronic pain is having to it to yourself over and over that you will never again reach the 100% of energy you once had.

chronic pain is waking up in the morning and already losing the ability to stay positive.

and i don't even have it that bad. i know of people who have such bad headaches that they cry themselves to sleep, rendered hopeless and praying that it'll .

so, please. take it seriously. it's not some joke, or an excuse for you to stay at home.

it's a fucking pain in the ass. literally.

thanks for reading

#infopost