NANGIPS Week 2 - Daytona 500 Grand Prix

*DISCLAIMER*This series is intended to be humorous and a parody series. It is not intended to be taken seriously, and no insults thrown on this post are meant to be hurtful. All it is intended to do is make lighthearted jokes about various and series in this community, and heavyhanded evil jokes about Tree Schlasser, Jr.

Following a pair of shitass Duels, we continue to shit ourselves in America here at the Daytona International Speedway for the Daytona 500 Grand Prix! It's pouring hail in the shape of Brad Keselowski here at Daytona (round), making racing impossible for the drivers! It's going to be a stupid one here, buckle up and enjoy the ride! Oh wait, you already are. Don't scream or Brad will wreck you, too.

Race Info

Circuit Length: 2.5 Miles

Race Distance: 69* Laps (172.5 Miles) *Subject to series discretion

Fuel Window: Irrelevant, there's gonna be fucktons of cautions

Tire Wear: None, the tires literally won't make with the track

Weather: 43° 🌧, 2-12 inch hail particles

Starting Lineup-

CADEN - Denny Hamlin. What hath happened to your imagination? Did it all get used on Kitchen State of Mind? I hope it didn't, the way Carter carried

PATRICK - Chase Elliott. Knowing Chase, this will get choked harder than your MLNCS1 Round of 12 berth

COLIN - Chris Buescher. This pick is too irrelevant to make a good joke out of. Kinda like the Atlanta Falcons

CARTER - Chris Buescher. This pick is too irrelevant to make a good joke out of. Kinda like NDSU.

JUSTIN R - Ryan Blaney. This pick is as overrated as Jimmie Johnson's 2016 season.

JAMES - Noah Gragson. Someone make sure David Starr isn't on track for this one.

CALEB - Michael McDowell. This will get pissed all over like that water bottle at Circuit of the Americas.

ZACK - William Byron. He better not come up one row short like he did last year.

LELAND - Corey LaJoie. Leland's picks are chaos incarnate, kinda like Leland in the NABART

LOGAN - Timmy Hill. I hope he doesn't get excluded Pro Invitational style again. *SPOILER- He was*

KAYDEN - Joey Logano. Listen, the last time Joey won the 500, 2015 happened, so let's not repeat that.

ANDREW - Cole Custer. Picking Cole Custer to win is like rooting for Chase Elliott- just why?

JUSTIN S - Denny Hamlin. The last time I saw a pick this boring win, Ryan Newman went crash into the wall into the air.

EVAN - Chase Elliott. There's a running them with Evan's picks, and they all involve him blindly picking the most boring driver in NASCAR. Somehow still less boring than Hamlin

KYLEE - Justin Haley. Case #2 of catching a sus NANGIPS competitor thinking with their.... reproductive parts. Bruh, he's not even that hot

JACK - Denny Hamlin. The last time I saw a pick this boring in contention to win, he got two fing- uh, fenders up his ass by Alex Bowman

TANOR - Denny Hamlin. The last time I saw a pick this boring in contention to win a championship, his girlfriend dumped him for being an asshole.

BRYAN A - Kurt Busch. I hate everyone that picks Kurt, because making fun of them makes me an awful person. Fuck you for this Bryan.

TYLER - Justin Haley. Mans is an iRacer, and if you know anything about the Podium 500, you'd understand why iRacers have few enough brain cells to make a pick like this.

PAUL - Brad Keselowski. After the Coliseum, if Brad wins the Daytona 500 I will put a picture in NANGIPS Week 3 of me with underwear in my mouth.

JARED - Harrison Burton. There's the Jared Holmes I know, picking nothing but his favorite drivers!

ETHAN O.- Brad Keselowski. I hope Brad is smart enough not to ANOTHER CAR TO THE INSIDE ON PIT ROAD! *Spoiler- He was, but that's the only thing he DIDN'T do*

NR2003- Austin Cindric. I shit you not.

🌡Track Conditions🌡

Air Temperature: 43°

Track Temperature: 26°

Track Surface: Old-Ass Asphalt

🟩Green Flag🟩

EVERYONE IS SPINNING! HOLY FUCK! CADEN BISHOP IS DOING BURNOUTS ON TOP OF THE ICE! EVERYONE IS CRAWLING AT 10 MPH! OH SHIT, THE CREWS ARE RUNNING OUT TO ZACK'S AND CARTER'S CARS WITH SNOW TIRES! THIS IS STUPID DANGEROUS, AND HIGHLY ILLEGAL, AND NANGIPS OFFICIALS HAVE RADIO'D THAT THEY DON'T CARE! Zack and Carter take off

🛡Battle Lap 4.20🛡

Zack Stern and Carter Jones are side by side, not really racing each other. It appears that they are trying to make their cars shoot as much exhaust at each other as possible?

Bruh. They're having a car fart contest.

Oh yeah, the NANGIPS has put a force field around the grandstands because some loser on the ground was hit by the hail. Don't worry, he was 400 lbs, it bounced off of him.

🛡Battle Lap 147🛡

Brad Keselowski just wrecked the shit out of Ricky Stenhouse Jr. His tires are down and he's stuck on the apron. His day is done likely.

🟨Caution Lap 69🟨

Tyler and Justin Newman have been simultaneously struck by a glowing purple hail ball the size of Tanor's dumpy! They have been teleported somewhere!

Justin Nyooman and Tyler King have been teleported to Martinsville. They now have 25 laps to race each other, then can return to the race. Winner gets 50 points (divided by ten due to the depression), loser smells like ass the rest of the race!

LET THE BATTLE COMMENCE!

Tyler wins! He gets 5 points!

They are now both back on track for no reason.

🟩 Restart Lap 79🟩

Oh yeah, the race was extended to 240 laps because fuck you.

🟨Caution Lap 79🟨

Not again! Justin Nyooman has been annihilated by another Tanor Dumpy Ice Balls! This time its Leland who also gets hit!

Bruh, it's Martinsville again. Get creative, chaos gods! Same rules as before, I guess.

LET THE BATTLE COMMENCE!

Leland wins! Justin got shit on!

They are now both back on track for no reason. Justin Newman's car now looks like a turd

🛡Announcement Lap 88🛡

NANGIPS officials have announced a new car. The car is going to be a sports car with stock car elements, such as bumpers meant for bumping. After a backlash, the series retracts the cars and instead will field F1 cars.

🟨Caution Lap 99🟨

THE WHEEL HAS APPEARED IN THE INFIELD, AND IT HAS GONE AFTER JARED HOLMES!

Jared will now lose the amount of points Kyle Larson earns in the NASCAR race. Get shit on, Jared.

🛡Battle Lap 147🛡

NANGIPS OFFICIALS HAVE BEEN OVERTHROWN BY NAMDCS OFFICIALS! THEY DISQUALIFIED PQ GUY! BUT WAIT, HERE COMES THE NANGIPS RACE DIRECTOR WITH A FOLDING CHAIR! OH GOD, THE NAMDCS RACE DIRECTOR IS UNCONSCIOUS! NANGIPS RACE CONTROL IS IN SHAMBLES RIGHT NOW! THE NANGIPS OFFICIALS WIN THE BATTLE!

🟨Caution Lap 152🟨

HOLY FUCK, THE WHEEL REALLY JUST SAID SIKE!!!

NOW EVERYONE ELSE IS GONNA GET NEGATIVE POINTS WHILE JARED GETS POSITIVE POINTS! FUCK YOU, NANGIPS FIELD!

🟨Caution Lap 156🟨

JUSTIN RICCI HAS BEEN GRABBED BY A HAND IN THE INFIELD! HE IS TUMBLING VIOLENTLY WHILE THIS WHEEL SPIN APPEARS!

JUSTIN WILL NOW GET THE RESULTS OF JIMMIE JOHNSON'S LAST RACE, WHICH WAS 12TH OVERALL IN THE ROLEX 24! OH MY GOD, THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

🛡Announcement Lap 205🛡

NANGIPS officials have that the entire schedule next season will feature international road courses and street courses.

🟨Caution Lap 206🟨

THE WHEEL IS NOT DONE YET!

THE STANDINGS HAVE BEEN INVERTED! OH! MY! GOSH! CAN THIS RACE GET ANY STUPIDER?!!?

🛡Battle Lap 230🛡

Did I mention we don't know our points format yet? We don't know our points format yet.

🏳White Flag Lap 250🏳

THEY ARE DIRT TRACKING IT! OH MY GOSH! ICE PACK RACING AT 200 MPH! THEY'RE ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE, NO ONE CAN KEEP IT STRAIGHT! THREE CARS AROUND IN THE BACK, NOBODY CARES! HERE COMES THE PACK OUT OF TURN 4, COMING TO THE LINE, IT'S- HOLY FUCK BRAD KESELOWSKI HAS WRECKED THE ENTIRE FIELD! BRAD KESELOWSKI THEN SPINS HIMSELF OUT AND A ROOKIE JUST WON WHAT.

🛡Post Race🛡

OH MY GOD! JARED AND CADEN HAVE BEEN LAUNCHED INTO THE GRANDSTANDS BY KESELOWSKI! THE SPECTATORS ARE IN SHAMBLES!

No penalties because I said so.

WAIT, BUT THE STANDINGS INVERT AND BECOME NEGATIVE! HOW DO THE POINTS SHAKE OUT?!

JAMES - -12.7 points

TANOR - -44.8 points

PATRICK - -6.1 points

ANDREW - -9.4 points

EVAN - -6.1 points

KYLEE - -10.3 points

ETHAN O. - -5.8 points

COLIN - -8.2 points

TYLER - -5.3 points

ZACK - -45.5 points

JUSTIN R - -34.3 points

CADEN - -44.8 points

JARED - 12.9 points

KAYDEN - -46.6 points

CARTER - -8.2 points

JACK - -14.8 points

BRYAN A - -38.8 points

JUSTIN S - -14.8 points

LELAND - -2.3 points

PAUL - -35.8 points

NR2003 - -3.4 points

LOGAN - 0 points

CALEB - -5.4 points

And now, the field begins to eat shit. Brad Keselowski will end all of your careers. I'll be back for more at Auto Club