I don't how old I was when the first sign showed up. All I know is I was very young. I was playing on the floor in the living room, and my mother asked me a question I will never forget.
"Would you marry a boy or a girl?"
I answered "A girl."
I know my mother tries to accept me for who I am, but I also know she was hoping I'd grow out of it. And I did for awhile. Not in the sense I thought I was straight, but I forgot what had happened on that day. For several years after that, I lived not knowing what sexualities were. I didn't even consider dating anyone. The idea of crushes didn't have a place in my mind yet.
I'm not sure why it never came to mind. A lot of my friends then had boyfriends, but for some reason I never thought I should too.
I was nine when I found out what sexualities were. I was sitting on the edge of the kitchen table, listening to my mother and my older sister talk. The conversation turned to sexualities, and as I listened, that's when I realized... Hey, I don't know my sexuality!
So, me being nine years old, I got up and told them. They were very accepting, and that's when I began my journey of self-discovery.
At first, like many, I thought I was bisexual.
Then I realized I'm lesbian.
That's when I slipped into my emo/tomboy phase. I stopped wearing girly clothes. I didn't let my mum put my hair up anymore. My entire tenth year of life, that was who I was. Like many events in my life, I don't know why that happened.
The summer of my tenth year of life was when I started exploring my gender. For the longest time I thought I was trans. Then I went to other genders. It took awhile, and a lot of tears were cried, but I finally accepted I'm cisfemale. I don't regret this stage of my life though, and I did take one thing from it with me.
I changed my name from Lily to Asher (Ash)
My family still doesn't know about this, only my online friends do. But it's my name, and even if they're the only ones who know me by it, it's my name. And one day I will tell my family.
This is also the time I found out I'm demiromantic and greyromantic. Demiromantic means someone who can only feel romantic attraction towards someone they have a strong emotional connection with. Greyromantic means someone who rarely experiences romantic attraction. That's probably the reason I never had any crushes when I was younger.
This reminds me, this tenth year of life was also the time I got my first and only crush. On a girl, of course. Her name was Maggie. I don't think I'm completely over her yet, but we had to move to another school, away from her.
Why? Because my parents divorced.
I'm not sorry about this. I don't like my dad, and I have good reasons for it. But in the next part of the story, I'm in a new house living with just my mother and brother.
This is my eleventh year of life. I got into anime at this point, and started wearing brighter colours. Also, I realized I might be asexual.
I'm not counting asexual as one of my sexualities just yet. I might just be young, or I haven't met the right person yet. Maybe it's because of my past.
I've started to buy more LGBTQ+ stuff, and when I start school again next year I'm going to bring it with me. I'm done with being afraid. People have rained on my parade before, but it's reinforced now. It's time to stop living in fear. I live in a homophobic state, and I'm determined to lead the way for other LGBTQ+ kids in my state.
OTHER EXPERIENCES I HAD
When I was in fourth grade, I was in a group project with a fellow fourth grader and two fifth graders. We were given an yellow envelope full of cards. One of the fifth graders took all the cards out and wrote on the inside of the envelope, "Gay". They all started shouting insults at it and saying stuff like " EW!" And "Get it away from me!". That's when they started to it around. When it finally got to me, I hid it under the table and glared at them. They treated me as an outsider for the rest of the project.
Also, the art isn't mine! https://picrew.me/image_maker/296093
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