I tried love again... :broken_heart:

Hey everyone! It's been so long...I got a story for you all so if you're in the mood, stick around.

ꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄꨄ

After 3 years of a relationship with t͟h͟e͟ l͟o͟v͟e͟ o͟f͟ m͟y͟ l͟i͟f͟e͟, and 3 years of being alone, with a few months in a sexual relationship with two of my closest friends...

𝙸𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚍...I found myself looking at one of my girl friends differently and I just wish I could freely and effortlessly begin to talk about what made me fall for her...but after what happened it is really hard...

Still, I will try my best for the sake of the story.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚜𝚠𝚎𝚎𝚝, 𝚎𝚡𝚝𝚛𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚕𝚢 𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚍, 𝚌𝚕𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚢𝚎𝚜, 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚒𝚏𝚞𝚕 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚍𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚝𝚎...𝙸 𝚏𝚎𝚕𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚒𝚗 𝚖𝚢 𝚊𝚛𝚖𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚢. 𝚂𝚘, 𝚊𝚏𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚊 𝚠𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚞𝚝, 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚊 𝚜𝚕𝚎𝚎𝚙𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚍𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚖𝚎 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚖𝚎, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙸 𝚝𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚊𝚖𝚎. 2 𝚠𝚎𝚎𝚔𝚜 𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚍𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐. 𝙸𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚜 3 𝚖𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚑𝚜, 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐, 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚞𝚗𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚞𝚗𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚕𝚢, 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚏𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚑𝚎𝚛, 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚞𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚎𝚡𝚌𝚒𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚗𝚎𝚡𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚞𝚜.

I shouldn't have done that... there were

🇼 🇦 🇷 🇳 🇮 🇳 🇬   🇸 🇮 🇬 🇳 🇸!

Truth is I dedicated myself to her...we where always together, we slept together every single night, I actually, unconsciously left my friends because I started to hang out with her friends.

Now I see it, and I hate myself for that.

I also see now that I was a babysitter regularly...she simply didn't know how to drink responsibly. I was always worried but b͟l͟i͟n͟d͟. So blind that I forgave her for k͟i͟s͟s͟i͟n͟g͟ a girl friend of hers on a night out when she wasn't with me...

🅸 🅺🅽 :o2: 🆆,stupid me.

Then it happened...

A͜͡n͜͡d͜͡ n͜͡o͜͡w͜͡ I͜͡ a͜͡m͜͡ t͜͡a͜͡l͜͡k͜͡i͜͡n͜͡g͜͡ t͜͡o

YOU!

I was justifying your behaviour by saying it was your first relationship but you knew very well what you were doing and I see that now. You acted weird for days and you said nothing was wrong until you avoided me for a whole day....and then you texted me to come meet you in the middle of the night...

We were by the water and it was raining (I know, how romantic) and you told me things weren't working out and that you wanted to break up.

Okay, that's fine

... but I did ask you why...

First thing you did was confuse me while you told me it was a build up of many things...things you weren't even able to explain to me...things you said "have been wrong for a while now" ,things you've never talked to me about so how could I even know?! Communication maybe? Hello?!

☹☹☹☹☹☹☹☹☹

After that it was just hurtful...

The things you said, the way you made me feel so inferior...like nothing...like I was nothing and not enough...like it was impossible for me to be loved. You undermined me...you said

I wasn't enough

you said that

I was too troubled...

...that I d͟i͟d͟n't͟ w͟o͟r͟k͟ h͟a͟r͟d͟ e͟n͟o͟u͟g͟h͟ to get better when you knew and know way too well how hard I've been fighting for years and years since I was 12 years old to survive my mental illnesses and never once, not once did I put that heavy weight on your shoulders...

While I carrying you and yours on mine.

☠

You said hurtful things...you made me feel worthless...to this day I'm still not whole. A part of me died in that moment,

the part of me that wanted to love and be loved again...died...

and I actually doubted myself, my recovery process, the recovery itself...everything! You truly broke me.

After that day I felt free from you but stil stuck on your words from that night.

𝙸 𝚌𝚊𝚖𝚎 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚢 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚜, 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚜𝚞𝚙𝚙𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚖𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚖𝚎 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝙸 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍𝚗'𝚝 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚋𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗...𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚜𝚊𝚠 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚊𝚜𝚗'𝚝 𝚗𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚎, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚍𝚒𝚍 𝚜𝚗𝚊𝚙 𝚊𝚝 𝚖𝚎 𝚊 𝚕𝚘𝚝. 𝚃𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚜𝚊𝚠 𝚑𝚘w 𝙸 𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚔𝚎𝚍 𝚖𝚒𝚜𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝'𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚌𝚊𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝙸 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚍 𝚊 𝚕𝚘𝚝 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚜𝚗'𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚖𝚢 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚜 (𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝'𝚜 𝚘𝚗 𝚖𝚎).

𝚃𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚜𝚊𝚠 𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚑𝚎𝚛...r͜͡e͜͡m͜͡e͜͡m͜͡b͜͡e͜͡r 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝙸 𝚜𝚊𝚒𝚍 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚜𝚠𝚎𝚎𝚝 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚍? 𝚆𝚎𝚕𝚕, 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚒𝚜𝚗'𝚝. 𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚜, 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚜, 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚎𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚜 𝚊 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝, 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚎𝚗𝚍, 𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚌𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚙𝚘𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚜 𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚑𝚎𝚛.

This is a big, big rant....but one that I needed to get out of my chest. Take this as a rant of a girl who was too dumb and too blind... But also, take into consideration what I got from this... besides the obvious trust issues, what I get now is that

You need to look deeper to figure out what kind of people you're surrounding yourself with and please, never...ever let anyone make you feel like you're not enough.

You are enough.

As you may notice this post does not focus on the break up but on the way it made me see myself. Please don't ever let this happen to you. We all have flaws but we are all enough and worth it. If you've dealt with a partner, friend or parent making you feel inferior, I'm so sorry....you can make it through, don't doubt yourself :purple_heart:

Thank you for reading my story!

Loads of love to all the lgbtqia+ community 🏳‍ :rainbow: