Basically I'm bi.

509

grєєtíngs humαn

For today's post, I'll talk about my first same-sex crush and how it has made me realise that I'm part of this community. Who knows, sharing my experiences might help someone out there who is lost and unsure about their feelings right now.

But I'll tell you now that there was never that one moment in which I realised I wasn't straight. It was a process that took a whole bunch of feelings and plenty of realisations. Most of all, a lot of waiting.

Եհҽɾҽ sհҽ աαs...

the first bit of butterflies in a long time

❈ • ──── • ──── • ❈

New school, new country, no one to talk to. Until I heard a voice behind me, asking who I was.

I turned around and well, there she was. A very pretty girl, greeting me with a friendly smile. If I had now dropped all my books or somehow emberrassed myself, I would've been convinced I was part of a terrible highschool romance movie.

❈ • ──── • ──── • ❈

There was nothing going on at first. Or - so I thought. She was just a nice person, after all. That was until I catched myself glancing over at her in class. Once, twice, maybe a few more times.

From then on, I couldn't seem to get her off my mind. And thats when realisation number one hit.

í բíղժ Եհís ցíɾl ճҽαմԵíբմl

Now what the hell do I do.

The first night I thought about her, I started to panic. I was scared and overwhelmed by the things I felt, and how similar they were to my crush on a boy.

I was lying in bed, and my head started to fill with question after question, none of which I had an answer to. I felt guilty, and I didn't know why.

There was always something... weird about being LGBT. Something that excluded you from the rest, made you a stereotype of beanies and flanels.

I live in relatively ive surroundings, and I know my parents would accept me, even if it would take them some time.

And I still felt this - guilt. That I might not get my mom the biological grandchildren she so badly wants. Or that I will always be different from the norm, in a bad way.

I carry this thought in the back of my mind, engraved by jokes that sound harmless but cause so many insecurities about my identity. When kids tell each other "thats so gay" and the other one goes "EW I'm not gay leave me alone".

í Եհíղk í líkҽ հҽɾ

and it will be okay

I guess subcontiously I always felt like there was something wrong with feeling the way I did. All I was ever tought and learned to accept as normal was a guy and a girl, happily ever after with a few children.

And now, it looks like things might be different as to what I always thought was going to be my future.

í'ต ճí

and happy

After a few weeks, I started getting over my first same-sex crush, leaving me with my biggest and final realisation.

I can love both genders, and thats okay.

It took me long enough to accept this pary of myself, and it will take a lot longer before I will tell my parents. For now, there are three people who know about my identity, and I'm fine with that. There is no hurry for me to come out to anyone, but I also don't want to hide it if I find my special someone in the same sex.