Hoi everyone! I'd like some on a poem I've made recently that I'm someday hoping to put into a song. If anyone has some creative critiques or good criticism for this, I'd be so thankful. Okie now onto the song!
Btw, no it doesn't have a good title yet. Any ideas would help, I'm kinda stuck right now. ^^`
Teardrops rolling down my face
Drip drop, on my pillowcase.
Perfect days hidden inside my brain,
Stolen by your warm embrace.
Falling fast, caught below.
Most perfect thing I've ever known.
Afraid you'll think I'm crazy.
Scars become so hazy.
Yet there you stand,
Unafraid for who I am.
The memories that scar
Broken pieces of my heart
Begin to fade.
Warm and safe,
How I feel in your embrace.
Guarded from the war outside
Time stills as I gaze into your eyes.
Afraid you'll never love me,
Fate has proven cruel
Scared you'll start to hate me
But I can never hate you.
Feel my heart as the war rages on
Your loving words heal the world's wrongs.
You've got me trapped in a vicious cycle
Shot more times than a animal from a rifle.
Hands that fit together hold strong
Fates written out like the perfect song.
Scared you'll leave and I'll be alone
Yet there you stay, and now I'm home.
Scared you'll think I'm weird and run
You're all I think about, and I'm having fun.
Held together by your love and hugs.
Even as the wounds pull and tug.
Gunshots ring out, hear "bang bang bang".
Our ring of fire has grown in flames.
I've been shot with Cupid's arrows
Feels like a kiss from a rose.
Sweet love, but oh so painful.
Killing me now with each syllable.
Nights spent talking hours on end.
it right now I'm more than a friend.
Save me now from my own despair.
Love me through with your tender care.
Embrace me now in our ring of fire,
Watch the fall of a mighty empire.
Everyone should learn to love like you
Then they'll know in their hearts what's true.
Together were perfect, apart we fall.
You destroyed what was once my wall.
You hold me tight
My tears and fears disappear into the night
Knowing that I'm loved is joy enough
But if it's by you, I'm calling my bluff.
Kill me slowly, knowing now that it's okay.
I wouldn't ask for it any other way.
I'll do everything to win your heart
Even if in your arms, I fall apart.
Give me a chance to love your whole.
Know I'll fight through the fire and cold.
Forever won't give up on me
Together we set our love free
I'm sorry if I stare
Your eyes say more than I could dare.
I want to protect you to infinity and back
So cute, so happy, may you never be the one I lack.
You say you're lucky for having me
With you is where I want to be.
Two broken hearts fit to make one
And I'm realizing the true meaning of love.
Hands on each side of a screen
Separated by miles of green.
Scars and pain overflow and flood, but I still stay and wait.
If there's one thing I know, our hearts, now one, won't fade.
Comments (4)
As it has already been mentioned, if you want to turn this into a song, you should make sure that your syllable counts are the same for lines you want to have the same melody for.
I’m down for helping to turn it into a song. I’ve got a melody in mind already
You use the word 'scars' a lot. Perhaps substitute it in a few places with metaphor synonyms, such as 'wounds' or 'stitches.'
Also... your rhythm seems a bit... off.
Example: "Knowing I'm loved is joy enough." Eight syllables.
"But thinking it's by someone like you, I'll call my own bluff." Fourteen syllables.
The first line is good, and the concept behind calling the bluff is lovely. However, the second line is too verbose.
"Knowing I'm loved is joy enough. But if it's by you? I'll call my own bluff." This cuts the 14 syllables down to 10, and improves the flow a bit.
I really love the concept of this poem, though. It sounds like someone recovering from trauma finding someone who treats them sweetly, and yet they disbelieve it and have to adjust to this new reality they've never known where love truly is unconditional. I shared this poem with my husband and we had a cuddle.
Right, thank you dear! ^^