Egg Is A Slut (Episode #1)

God why is this featured?

Warning: This post is rated PG13, protect your kids.

I'm sure some of you have come across those lovely mobile game ads where you get to make brilliant big brain decisions such as

Today, I'll be playing Episode because of a dumb promise I made with someone. I'm just posting it here because I thought it would be funny and I needed something to post.

Anyway, let's play...

Episode: The K*ss List

The episode starts...

My family moves a lot.

Another city or town...

Another mansion...

Another mansion? Jesus, this character is rich. This is supposed to be me?

Another batch of disposable boy toys...

Ah so she's a horny slut.

...and girl toys

YAAAAAS

Ahem... Let's continue

And of course, another high school.

Kentwood would be my seventh...

So I know EXACTLY how to take it over.

Take it over? Pfff that sounds so cartoonish. All I can think about now is

After the intro, I had to customise my avatar. I really wanted to make it look like my pfp but there was no bald option, sadly :pensive: . Instead, I went for a normal look. That is, until I went to the eyes tab.

Pfft why is this an option? Why are her eyes are so fucking red?? I'm keeping this. She gonna be an EVIL queer horny slut.

She looks like a vampire. What if this is an option because my character is actually a vampire? I go to a different school, have sex with everyone, and kill them by sucking all the blood out of them. So I'm taking over the school because everyone's dead.

Oh god, this is just Jennifer's Body and I'm Megan Fox. If you haven't seen that movie, don't.

Alright, so I walked into school wearing a really slutty outfit that would 100% get me suspended here in Asia. I made the sassiest most attention seeking entrance in the history of high school which I did not screen record because I just really didn't expect that. The animation in this game is a hidden gem.

Don't ask how I got the gems for the options. I don't want to talk about it.

I love how my big diabolical plan to take over the school is in the form of a checklist in a notebook. Istg someone is going to find this dumb list and expose me. Now to find a sidekick.

This is Jenna, a typical beta-bestie desperate for validation. Idk how I know her name. I haven't even talked to her yet. Plot twist: *cue Death Note theme* These red eyes are shinigami eyes. I'm taking over schools because I AM JUSTICE.

Okay but ngl, not feeling Jenna. She looks like she hasn't seen the sun for 4 months. Quarantine kept this girl away from society for too long. I didn't screenshot it but she had the creepiest smile. So I kept looking.

This is Lewis. Saying he has style would be generous. All he's really got going for him are a floral vest and blue jeans. The floral makes him remind me too much of Jeffery Bowyer-Chapman. That's an instant n o. So I kept looking.

I see Ron Weasley's slummin' it with the muggles today. This is Artie. Descendant of Arthur Weasley. But for real, this guy seems innocent, I'm not gonna ruin his life. So I kept looking.

Apparently I'm stuck with those 3 options so... crap. In the end, I chose Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman. Hateful bitches gotta stick together, after all. I lied about his vest being fabulous and boom, new GBF achieved.

Then I went to the cafeteria to "sample some of the local fruits". Why is my character so horny? I had 3 "hottie" options (which I didn't screenshot because I'm an idiot). All you need to know is that the girl was the only attractive one there.

A soccer ball immediately flies at me and I panicked because I only had 10 seconds to react even though that's plenty of time. I caught it, obviously. I'm not a weak ass bitch. I'm a strong independent demon lady. The girl, Kris, walks to me, apologises, takes the ball with her wrists(?), and walks away with her broken ass knees.

Next on my dumb little checklist is to "Identify the HBIC (Head Bitch In Charge)". I talked to Lewis and he gave me the deets (God, I hate that word) about a girl named Riley who has an Instagram dedicated to body-shaming other students. Wow, and I thought I was mean. Next to this girl I'm just an innocent little demon slut.

So next was to send a message to Riley. I chose to walk right past her because I thought she'd confront me or something but nah. She just looked annoyed and said nothing. Damn it, I should've just asked an insulting question ;-;

Then I disrespectfully stood on a table like Tori fucking Vega and invited everyone to a party at my mansion. Word spread quickly, blah blah blah, and next on my list was to "Dominate Riley".

Oh I was ready. I was prepared to dominate this bitch so hard. Ohohoho...

It was disappointing.

Instead of t-posing at her at the party (like I had always planned, obviously), I had to wear this champagne dress to make her BOW DOWN to me. Ngl, looks really basic. It's a pretty dress but it needed earrings or something because this outfit is sooo plain. It would probably look a lot better if I had lighter hair (and not blood red eyes).

So when you make the right choices or spend gems, you earn points for something. I managed to earn enough iration points to turn Lewis into a worshipper? Am I starting a cult here? Is the whole school domination thing really a plot to start my own religion?

The game was literally like: "Collect worshippers to grow your squad and unlock secret content! Some characters will be harder to convert than others, though". What the fuck am I playing? Is there a secret cult ending in this game just like in Dream Daddy? Don't ask how I know that.

Okay, I came fashionably late to my own party and everyone somehow loved my outfit more than Riley's. Kris was there and we had a short conversation while blonde Kris Jenner was grinding on a high school kid in the background.

Kris (not Jenner) left early because of chemistry homework, and I was approached by the HBIC herself. We had a staredown which I obviously won because this bitch is being extra wearing shades indoors at night while I have the eyes of a literal death god.

She blinks and its defeat.

I guess I should add some of the dialogue to make this more interesting.

Riley: Cut the bull, Egg. While you were fashionably late to your own party, I took the time to snoop around.

Oh no... my hentai collection D:

Riley: And I found your little journal with your little "Takeover Plan."

Oh thank god. Ha I knew I was gonna get caught. Who writes their evil plan in a journal? Fucking amateur.

Egg (thinking): Crap. I underestimated Riley!

No, you overestimated yourself.

Riley: 11# Take my lunch spot? #19 Steal my squad? I know all your moves now

Egg: It won't save you. This train is still coming down the tracks.

Riley: Oh. I have no doubt. You want what's mine and you won't stop until you get it. But why don't we make this more interesting?

Egg: What are you proposing?

Riley: If you're really such hot stuff let's see you beat THE K*SS LIST challenge.

Riley: If you can kiss 10 of Kentwood's most eligible singles before the semester ends I'll step down as HBIC and give you all my perks.

Egg: And if I can't?

Riley: You leave Kentwood. Forever. And the only other school in the district is Yardell High.

Lewis: Yardell? All the bad kids go there! They have to wear orange sweatpants!

And I bet they still look 10 times better than you, lEwIs.

The episode ends with me accepting her challenge and Riley immediately started throwing shade at me in front of one of the guys on the K*ss List. The game has officially begun.

So yeah that was something. Idk if I'll do the 2nd episode. Should I do it? After what I just played I kinda just want to stop... breathing. But I'll be honest, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I've read worse plots. Maybe I'll play the next episode during school or something. Doubt I'll do 15 of these but we'll see.

Will I be able to beat The Kiss List challenge and establish my cult?

Or will I fail and leave Kentwood forever?

Find out in the next episode oooofff....

THE KSKSKSKSKS LIST