Just a Bit of Self Reflection

Alright, so trying to use my writing as a way to understand myself and my own emotions is extremely new to me.

Here goes a little experimenting anyway..

~ ♡̸̸ ~

On rare occasion I’m completely dumbfounded by just how strongly some things affect me. Recently I came to a realization that I had lost something I didn’t know was gone. Or more likely, I just didn’t want it to be. I really, really didn’t want it to be.

I can, in very large part, gracefully accept what other people need to do to take care of themselves. I might not be happy about it at first. It will probably hurt. If it’s good for the people I care about, then that’s that. I work around it. I always have and I always will. I don’t ever want anyone to be held back by me, even if that means losing them.

You see, I don’t actually wonder why I feel alone so often. I don’t like it a lot of the time, but it’s a choice. When I decide to love someone it is forever, whether it’s reciprocated or not. I want nothing but happiness and health for those I care about. Yeah, I know I can’t actually influence that as much I’d like. I think that hurts more than anything else.

Unfortunately all this plays into how close I let people get. The ones that truly get close to me, they mean everything. When I lose something dear to me associated with them.. I’ll still work around it. It’s just harder. So much harder. It feels silly, and petty to me to be so upset. Like somehow just because the other person doesn’t know or understand them somehow makes my feelings invalid. After all, it’s my own fault for having them, right?

Inevitably I seem to be the one left standing by myself, holding the broken pieces of something I cared about. Trying to figure out why I can’t move away from things while everyone else seems so capable. I hold on too long, care too much, but I can’t help it. All of it is part of who I am. I rarely get angry. Just sad, just hurt.

The things I question are always the same. What did I do wrong? Where did I miss the plot? Why did I think that meant more to the other person? What’s wrong with me that I can’t let go of things..? I hope you notice the questions that aren’t there. Anything having to do with the other person and their motives. That isn’t an accident. That’s just not how I think.

I may be a Taurus, and I am most certainly as stubborn as a bull, but the only fight I have in me is to love and keep loving the people I hold dear. I don’t hold grudges. Let’s face it, that’d only hurt me. So please, don’t make the mistake of underestimating how much or strongly I love. Do I need to reiterate that?

~ ♡̸̸ ~

Right now I still want to beg and plead with you to give him back his exquisite tease.. It’s going to take some time for that feeling to go away.. Right now the thought of never writing those two again is killing me.. Anything else was never an issue.

I will put it behind me. In time.

~Background photo and all elements of cover edit, made by me, were free to use pictures and stickers taken from PicsArt.~