Defining Friendship And It's Colors

Introduction

Well , I am not really good at writing , but for once I will try to be courageous.....

Friendship to me is like watching through a kaleidoscope. All of the colors it has - some you might like , some not.

I know that it's strange to think like that . But over the years , I have noticed how we all find certain definitions for certain things , definitions that sometimes feels corrupted even to ourselves.

But I would say watching anime has made me realised this a lot - like , ah , this was what it was or what it is happening now . It has been comforting to realise how I had not been the only one to feel that way about some friendships .

As I did mention, friendship is like watching through kaleidoscope - some patterns are new to me , some aren't .

And there were certainly some colors I did hate over the years .

Let's say green for example. Let's say I hated the color green so much .

For all the troubles I had as a ten year old child , I also had this insufferable girl in my my class. We were on each other's necks more than Bakugo had fought with Midori over all the seasons.

Be it in studies or school culture programme or even the length of our hairs- everything was a competition with each other .

I certainly did not like how she always tried to act like she was way cooler than my level but would try to compete with me about everything.

And it did end up in a fist fight twice - with tearing hairs , scratching , and screaming .

It got serious enough that my other friends would mock us calling Naruto and Sasuke - yes, it was that bad ...

But oneday , a casual teasing each others in the classroom took a wrong turn . Some of the boys tried to nominate me as the ' Monkey Princess ' in the class ( well , I was not growing well at that age , and the boys had that absolute logic about how I could not have been born from a human but a monkey , considering how short I was ) I was on the verge of my tears and very much embarrassed, but also did not want to start sobbing over it . But it was getting bad. All the other friends did not really notice it but my 'Sasuke ' who came to rescue , purposefully slamming her school bag infront of the boys and calling them idiots in a cool tone , somehow ending the conversation right then and there .

I was really surprised how she stood up for me when I had always thought that she put herself wayyyyy too above my level and did not really care about my wellbeing.

But secretly she did care. Even when I never called her a 'friend' but over the years I have come to realise that our rivalry was just another way for friendship even though I did not recognise it back then.

Maybe we were really low budget Sasuke and Naruto , afterall .

Well , certainly one of us did not become a criminal , to a criminal group to murder family for elaborated reasons while the other one did not lead a chase to the end of the world - but she did stand up for me .

We have seen that many times in anime . Be it with Okita and Kagura or Vegeta and Goku - in times of need they do stand up for each other . Certainly it was not as important as saving a whole ninja village or saving the earth from immortal aliens but a mere rescue from getting humiliated as ' Monkey Princess ' does have some of its sweet part .

Also , it has me realised how I didn't really hate the color green that much ..

But I can not say the same about the color lavender .

Well , Lavender DID seem like a aesthetic colour - but until I had turned my eyes away to somewhere else , I did not realise how the color was hurting my eyes .

From middle of my junior years in high school ,I somehow managed to the ' Red Ribbon Girls ' after being nominated as the president of my class.( I know the name sounds cringey but don't blame me ,I did not come up with it ) . A group of girls no matter their classes , senior or junior were the only ' royalties ' allowed to use red ribbons in the school while the left over peasants got to wear only white ones .

Atleast that was the vibe with this group of highly accomplished group which included class presidents , atheletes who were already competing at state level , one or two actresses who had their debut and obviously the top scorers of the whole school . Even after having acknowledgements of the teachers and parents , the group had awful boundary set for them and I used to struggle to meet that .

From perfect hair and appearance to basic ninety percent scores in mathematics exam - the list went long . If God forbid you were single , you would be put together with one of the guys they would choose for you . And if you already had a boyfriend but he is not coming top in his class , you need to leave him for that .

Honestly, I have seen people choosing marriage partners with much smaller checklist that they were choosing boyfriends for a fifteen years old girl.

There were constant pressure to keep a perfect skin and hair - not very easy at that age , even athletes were pushed around to meet the group's ideal weight and I was forced to date someone who was very much into another girl .

And over all of it , we had to maintain ninety percent scores , and cultural programmes exhausting each other day by day but most never left the group.

During my four years with the group , my other friends had little of my time , my condition was detoriating so much that I used to fall ill more than ever . I developed disorders in my eating , sleeping , normal human functioning schedules but all I could pray for anything so I could finally make myself leave the group for good.

God helped me with a civil war( they started fighting with each other ) , and I fled the country to survive ( not literally, I just took opportunity to be more absent from the group activities , gradually severing my ties with them ) . By that time my scores had dropped low enough that the group did not chase after me .

I had never been so happy about getting forty percent in mathematics that year , even though I knew about the inevitable sandals and brooms waiting for me at the home , eager for my return.

Even though we called each other friends, we were never really there for the others . The horror of getting left behind if others accomplished something marvelous was drowning everyone there and hating my own reflection in the mirror became regular .

It was friendship, alright ,because we were always together and at some point you could sympathise with other girls about what they were going through but at the end of the day we were just dragging each other's down .

See , some friendships are like that . You would worry , you would stay even if it hurt wondering about the loneliness they might face if you left them .

But sometimes you have to let go of a friend so you would stop hurting each other .

Even though I really really liked some of the girls in the group , I realised that we were not meant to be together.

But , after all the drama , I was able to sit back and tell myself ,"Man , that was like a cult "

I had recently started reading the manhwa ' Fox Club ' and it did hit the trauma- point to cause an avalanche in my heart .

More than the protagonist, I felt connected to a character named Sora Yun who struggled to keep up with the other girls. She is the perfect example of how the girls actually struggle to keep up with the meaningless group standard which is painful to them but they can not really think about leaving and even dread that thought of being left , probably because they know nothing outside of it .

(Sora Yun )

There will always be girls in your friend circle like llimi , who feels vulnerable about their place and jealous about little things of others but also pressures others to maintain her standards be it in appearance or in school works.

Well, these are the poor souls , alright . But times and times the plot warns us about how it is way better if you don't get close to them for the sake of your sanity no matter how pretty and pitiful they appear .

I had seen my share of enough animes about students making a group of their 'perfectness' or 'weirdness' ,for example ' Ouran Host Club '.

While they did get closer after getting recruited in a weird club, but it did not go beyond the expected anime plot of happy-go- lucky ending after some of their own trials .

Real life Ouran Host Club might not be like that . I had been guilty about how I left their group ( not left , I had run away , fled - tried to make a scene in my house so they would let me drop out of all of my classes) when they needed me the most - in their times of civil war .

But some of my favourite manhwas like 'Odd Girls out ' say the otherwise . It has brought me comfort to read manhwa like ' Fox Club ' ,' Odd Girls Out ' which actually explain how some friendships can be bad for your health in a realistic way .

For instance Miji and Nari's relation lets us understand how some people who claim to be our friends, are just dragging us down for their own selfish reasons , all the while killing a part of you slowly but surely in silent .

(Minji )

There was also Seolheyon, another girl who started being mean to her only friend, while also being clingy to her .

Nari , the protagonist of the manhwa did the right by cutting off the toxic friend and she teaches us that it's okay to let some friends go , even though you feel bad about it .

There will always be people like Suah who would call them your friend ( from 'My ID Is Gangnam Beauty ' ) in life but all these animes and manhwa teach us you need to leave no matter how exciting it is be a part of 'Fox Club '

Cause a bad relationship with a lover might end up in ' Five centimetres per second ' but bad friendship might lead to ' Berserk 'Plot .

I told you before no matter how pretty the color lavender looks on the tiny shards of glass in your kaleidoscope, it might not be a colour you want there .

But There Are Surely Some Colors I Really Really Really Love -

I am talking about bright yellow or baby blue . I am fortunate to have friendships like that .

It all started with standing outside the principal's office with teachers concerned about our mental healths talking with our parents inside .

We had a project on ' Your Dream For The Future 'where you have write on what you would like to become when you grow up and you had to write your daily routine for that future and try to interview people on the same profession if that was possible, or post their interviews from newspapers and write about their accomplishments and stuffs .

How bold of the teachers to not expected the unexpected answers on that , namely -

The Terrorist , The Earthworm, The Caveman .

(Well , I could have lied and told you guys , oh , I wrote the least weird one of all three but I can not really decide which one is more concerning than the other ones . If you might have not guessed it already , I am proud to tell you all that I wrote my Essay on ' How I would Like To Become An Earthworm '. P.S - I was edgy at that age , alright , everyone thinks differently when they are twelve and it is nothing to be ashamed about)

Well , some of the patterns in the kaleidoscope do be really weird. They don't make sense one by one but when you put them together they look beautiful just like that .

Even with me being in the ' Fox Girl Clubs ' , the Caveman and The Terrorist never stopped being my friends . We did have weird discussion about shipping Sun and the Moon with Earth having the second lead syndrome ; or tried to summon vampires by wearing raincoats in the middle of Summer standing in the sun , somehow still avoiding getting heat stroke after all that ; or write fanfictions about dead Naruto characters - but yeah it somehow worked out like that .

Well , Gintama taught us no matter how weird your friends are , you can never leave them if they gave you their hearts - and also don't judge them , because you are weirder.

Some friendship do turn out like that . You would wake up at night to wonder which one of you is the most deranged but you would not understand why you like them so much .

It makes you actually believe in the word ' Forever '.

Anime talks about friends like that a lot . The ones that brings out your inner craziness - for instance in 'Asobi Asobase ' , Kasumi somehow finds herself to start a club and become friends with Olivia and Hanako, the other two weird girls after a deadly battle of Rock- Paper- Scissors.

And it did somehow made me how my own mishaps of friendship started in such a weird way but we still get along even when more than half a decade has ed.

They make you fall , they make you grow and give you memories to laugh about and wonder how strange those friendly creatures are.

Gintoki never abondons Kagura even though she has a bottomless pit in her stomach and adopts a pet that probably is the reason he bleeds more than any enemy attacks . Kagura also does not mind staying with Gintoki even though it means no toothpaste , just shampoo to brush your teeth for .

Sinpachi - well , he does not mind how close he is to get locked up in an asylum , after staying with the two others .

There is never going to be a reason for friendship like that .It does not matter if your friends has turned into a flesh eating ghoul or ed the notorious ' Red Ribbon Girls' - The Caveman, The Terrorist and Hideyoshi Nagachika kept the friendship intact .

( Hideyoshi and His Emo Ghoul Friend )

I really really like colors like that . Because these are the stained glasses that make the kaleidoscope so precious.

Some Tiny Specks of Colors You would Never Forget - But Never Hate And You Know That

They might be really really small part of your life . Might be for few months , or just few weeks or just two days - before you have come to term with the fact that how much you like them , they might already be gone.

Online friends are mostly like that. But you can never hate them , never wish how you have never met them and only hope that they are doing well at the other end of the world.

Over the years I have met so many beautiful strangers like that .... As if not knowing their real name and face could stop us from pouring out our hearts to each other .

Even when you know that the parting is inevitable you can never hate it .

Strangely, anime talks about friends like that - Where parting is as beautiful as the sudden start .

In many anime centred on adventures like ' Pokemon ' , ' Hunter X Hunter ', 'Naruto ', - there are friendships like that . How Naruto or Gon would meet random strangers , only to share traumas and hearts and finally leaving with something greater than a physical bond .

Like fireworks, they would stay for a second or two but leave a lasting impressions for a long time .

We often see how the protagonists grow , get courage to continue on their paths even thought it deviates far from each other .

It used to be heartbreakingly sad for me . But Gon , Naruto - well, as hopelessly optimistic as they are , they do teach us with to not be sad over such friendships when they end , knowing you were glad to know each other . Atleast you had the chance to meet these wonderful people and call them friends .

I really like it how the protagonist would go their own way with a smile - it teaches me that it is alright to lose a friend you treasure , it is alright as long as you know they are happy where you have left them and maybe gonna treasure this insignificant time they shared with you as much as you treasure them.

These are the tiny tiny stained glasses in your kaleidoscope - you might wonder why they are there but these are the ones they add so much vibrancy among all the other colors . Be as tiny as they are , they make up with their strange combination and patterns - without them the kaleidoscope would have been oddle boring and dull.

There Are Certainly Some Colours Which I Am Horrified To Look At

There are some colors I really dread about staining the glass shards of my kaleidoscope - the color of death .

A year ago , I heard the news of death of a friend who used to be close to me once .

She was a childhood friend from my kindergarten who died in a car accident. But ......I still do not know how to feel about that ....

I have seen death of a friend too many times in anime. All the crying , shattered pieces of memory and the agony of realising that you will never meet them again - everything about a death of a friend has been painted in such a way that has me horrified dreading it might happen someday to a close friend .

Certainly I have my own share of death experience in my life and I have come to the understanding that death does not really severe a relationship, let alone friendship with a close friend . It just digs a hollow pit in your heart where their names will be echoed forever with noone to answer that.

When Suguru died , Gojo itted that he was still his best friend, even after all the betrayal and the hatred, some bonds are not meant to be broken...they would stay there like the sharp end of a broken glass , bleeding sadness but you can not really abondon that friendship even when the friend is long gone , stolen to the graves forever .

Surely , any and every death is going to hurt - be it your pet , or your love or your family member . So death of a friend will leave its own stigma on your heart .

Just recently I was watching the Jujutsu Kaisen. I am sure you guys can also the moment Riko , the young girl was shot before Geto . Her body hit the ground with smile in Geto's face was yet to fade. The second of disbelief lasted longer than you would imagine and I do not blame Geto for that . We , humans , are mostly optimistic creatures and usually it takes a little time for us to understand the oncoming horror .

I related to this scene so much from a point . How I couldn't really believe that it was one of my childhood friend who got into the accident and had died .I had to confirm by calling the hospital and her family home and it still did not hit me into the reality.

I can not even imagine to think how she is never going to walk the street , celebrate any of the new years or try new dresses anymore.

And I am dread to think about things like what if it happens to one of my best friends - will I break myself and disappear from the world ?

There is a wonderful anime on mental health who talks in depth about death of close friend , called ' Wonder Egg Priority ' . The protagonist Ai Ohto drowned herself in the darkness after her friend's death to the point that she could not longer keep relation with the outside world and society properly .

The anime speaks about how a friend's death kills a part of you and no matter what anyone says it's not easy to overcome that.

I have yet to face something so nightmarish but if any of you are at that place , if you need to talk ,I would love to hear about that .

The Colors That We Ruin By Our Own Hands - only would remain the colour of regret on your heart .

It can not be always perfect in your kaleidoscope,- some of the patterns you really really love might end up in ruination in a second and you will have noone to blame but yourself for that .

I used to attend to this private school in the early morning during one winter break . And when you are freezing to the bones , it brings out the greatest laughter and bonds .

There was this group of kids from different school who lowkey adopted me under their wings . Despite having only 3 hours of classes together in each week , they made time to visit my town and took me to anywhere they would go . They were different from my usual friend group and way cooler than my level . Actually some of the girls there helped me to first buy makeup and taught me how to wear them.

I obviously had to go and ruin this friendship by dating one of the guys and when it did not work out I had to leave them as a whole .

Considering how tight knitted they were , I did not want to be the wedge to divide them no matter how envious I was of their friendship . That guy , let's call him G - he was trying to leave the group because I was there , so I tried to do least nice thing I could do for them by leaving and making sure their group remains intact .

Over the years I have regretted this descision so much . There is a sacred quote about how you should never date someone in the same friend circle but I broke that .

Did I feel like I am the Griffith from berserk for ruining a very good friendship? Yes ( I can be over dramatic sometimes ) .And overtime I have come to sympathise many characters who ruined their friendship over something trivial like romance or jealousy.

For instance, Ra-im , the should-be-best-friend and adoptive sister of Su-ae , decided to cheat with the the protagonist's ( Su-ae) boyfriend behind her back . Only after ruining the perfect bond she had with the protagonist, we see her thinking back about their times together. It shades her character, although generally bad , with a tiny shade of regret and I get that .

(Ra-im And Su-ae)

Surely, in anime if there is a friends to lovers plot , it continues to be mostly wholesome , even after the confession and sometimes even breakup takes over a new ,better plot .

But it really did not prepare me for a real life breakup with a someone I used to treasure as a friend and how you can never really go back to the way it was .

So in 'Horimiya' when Hori confessed how she was scared of growing apart from Miyamura and worried what the future holds , I get her . Even though the other fans were overjoyed with their dating , I kept worrying about their future .( Okay ,I had long stopped reading the manga , so I do not know if far far away at some chapter they get married or something, also .... Don't say stuffs like it's stupid to be worried over fictional characters)

Buuut as the anime goes on , we can see the plot becoming more and more wholesome. I am glad about how they stick together, even though it was quiet opposite of an experience in my life .

That's how meaning of friendship to me has become regret and longing for something I have lost due to my own fault.

But there is another last colour I would like to mention - the color of forgiveness.

There used to be a friend from my hometown - let's call him Danielle. While other older kids never bothered to give me notice , Danielle never did that . He was like a calm , quiet presence who used to be always there since as long as I could . Each summer , both of us were back to the hometown where we spent time in each other's company. This was when I was like eleven or twelve when one summer our parents booked us for computer learning classes. This was exciting for us since the teacher would often leave me and Danielle to - like clean the room and shut down the computers after classes and then we would just hand over the keys at the teacher's house .

Both of us were thrilled to use the internet for the first time! We would watch anime , listen songs and sometimes talk to strangers by a profile we created together ( well , we were both nervous about talking to strangers online after listening to horrors of internet from our parents all our life )

That summer I was also into some other stuffs - like summoning vampires by spells chanted with rotten apples , trying to make a pact with a devil so he could do my homework ( yes , I know , I should have been sent to therapy ) but Danielle did not like my bizarre adventure.

So I would leave Danielle alone in the ' computer -room ' many times so I could go on my bizarre adventures.

The two months of summer ended with our parents called by the teacher and they started confronting us .

I was terrified since I had never seen my mother so angry and she started accusing me of dating online .

Apparantly the teacher found out about it after searching through the computer ( we did not know that we had to log out of the at that time -)

I would have kept my mouth shut , but there were other students and other parents present - they were all about how scandalous it was for a girl at my age , already talking to a boy .

That was unfair , since I was not the one talking to a boy - I was out summoning vampires! The culprit was quiet until I pointed at him.

This came out as a ridiculous accusations but Danielle's mother already had suspicion about her son .

I had no idea back then about how I had shoved my friend into a hell .

A hundreds of therapy sessions, countess abuse and ultimately severing the ties with any friend he ever had - Danielle's eternal nightmare started since then.

It took me a while to realise the horror when my parents mentioned something like - 'Danielle is a boy , so he should not date a boy '

I knew nothing about LGBTQ then , not even the , but I knew that Danielle did not need so much ' therapy ' , but I was speaking to the walls .

Eventually Danielle was cut off from my life .

When I watched 'Silent Voice ' , I cried because the heroine reminded me so much of Shouko, the disabled heroine . Although Danielle never had any physiological problems but the way he was treated was pretty similar to Shouko - being bullied for what he was .

I found myself as a reflection of Ishida , how he never meant to hurt Shouko - he never understood the consequences his actions would have . Ishida started to bother Shouko what seems to be a problem of his tiny ego - and I shoved Danielle into the darkness for my own ego . I was ashamed of being humiliated infront of others and my ego took the shot on him .

Shouko and Danielle both had this gentle , calm aura about themselves,so I could not help but compare them.

And I could not help but compare how they were hurt by their friends .

Also , I could help but compare their nature of forgiveness.

After few years Danielle came to find me . It turned out that after suffering two years of intense abuse , he left his home in the name of 'God's Service '. His conservative family and community could not accept his sexuality but now they also had to respect him as a person belonging to the God .

He took his own kind of revenge to his mother who wanted to control his now but now Danielle is out of her reach .

I waited nervously like a guilty cat , for all the shouting , blaming that was to come but when Danielle saw me , he crouched on the ground and started sobbing .

Apparantly he had been very worried about me ( that year was pretty tough for me , I had this 'Red Ribbon Girls' and some family situation going on )

I realised how quick he was to forgive my betrayal.

In the film 'Silent Voice ' we also find Shoko to forgive Ishida very quickly .

Some friends are pure like that - some friends do forgive you easily .

While the Ishida and Shoko developed love from their friendship, I found something better - a brother .

It certainly is not cinematic like the film, but I did have my happy ending with my friend Danielle. Certainly it means someone trying to recruit you in 'God's Service ' every weekend but I still love him. I love him just the way he is and that is that .

Conclusion:

I still have no idea about the exact meaning of friendship. Like I said - it's like a kaleidoscope with all the colors - some are beautiful like 'forever friends ', forgiveness ' , ' unforgettable memories 'and others ;some are dark like ' regret ', 'death ' and much much more dreadful colors .

Some do end the in Naruto episodes , some end up in Berserk .

Friends to me are strange creatures like that , the strangers - who you would like to stay in your life or used to like that .

No matter good or bad they leave traces of memories - of which some are spoiled until they are better , but some are frozen in the time forever .

Anime lets us to relate to a lot of friendships like that . Sometimes you crave the friendship you see in anime , sometimes you dread them . But nevertheless, they make you realise how precious your own friends are - no matter good or bad , they do give definition to our own existence; even if the friendship has to end , you have to leave - but you are never robbed of everything, they do leave you with something .

That is what the friends are for.

( I would like to thank you guys for organising this events which helped me think about all this incidents and realise how grateful I am for the people around me . Also , I might have messed some of the timelines of the incidents and I know that my english is bad ,so please have mercy on my horrible writing skill )

P S- I own none of these pictures, they are taken from Pinterest and Google .

#MeaningOfFriendship