19th | Letter To My 13 Year Old Self

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April 15th, 2025.

If I met my 13-year-old self for coffee today…

I would bring her to the cafe where I study, inside my university. She would look around in awe, looking back at how I used to study at home, away from the crowd. She knows how much I despise the rumbling noises of the bustling metro along with the unsettling gaze from the sea of unknown faces. I’m sure she would tell me…

“So we made it. Isn’t this our dream school?”

To give her the push she needs, the pat on the back I badly needed back then but never got, I’ll answer…

“Yeah. Thanks to your hard work and perseverance, now we’re here.”

But knowing how this idealistic yet secluded girl saw herself, she definitely would say–

“I knew it. All those years of reaching for the stars, for recognition; everything surely paid off. I never failed and even got to study at such a prestigious university, heck, I even got over my hatred of being surrounded by people!”

But, she could not have been further from the truth if she’d tried to miss it. Although I want to protect her innocence and pride, the world isn’t fair. In fact, the very world you wanted all to yourself destroyed you.

And so, I would simply smile and tell her how far I’ve come, so different from how she saw herself, from the future she aspired to have. That no matter how desperately she tried to protect herself from failure and disappointments, she would stumble and dig a deeper hole for herself. Her dream school would be her nightmare that ultimately destroys how she perceives the world. But despite that, she must stand up and not dwell too much on her lows.

Without a doubt, her face would look puzzled— even overwhelmed. She thought being flawless and looked up to was everything, but this slightly older girl in front of her suddenly messed up with her “world.”

With a stiff yet hopeful grin, I would give her head pats and a warm hug.

“It’s okay. Everything will be okay. Above all, you are worthy of love. Medals aren’t everything, you know?”

But then again, this is just a massive what-if fantasy.

If it was that easy to light a fire that vanished in the past, I would’ve done so without a second thought.

Despite that, I want this letter to serve as a remembrance of what I’ve been through. It’s something cheesy, I know, but it’s as personal and genuine as it can be.

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To my 13-year-old self,

I know how irritated you get when you have to deal with formalities and unnecessary questions, lengthy introductions that only drag the conversation senselessly, so let me lead with this:

This is the slightly older you; you’re 19 now. Six years might sound like a long time, but trust me, you haven’t aged a day in my mind. You’re not a memory. You’re a part of me I carry on loop.

I hope you know how I’d do everything to give you a squeeze right now… But we both know how farfetched that thought is. From the person you became, the very girl who disappointed you— from the future you never imagined but needed, here are some words I’ll leave with you as you walk through seasons that do nothing but break you.

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“Please don’t think too much of everything. Focus on the present. Chase the future, and you’ll lose track of what’s happening right now.”

With each ing sky comes overwhelming changes. You’re no different, no matter how hard you try to excel. The future doesn’t define you. Chasing after trivial achievements just because they’d look good on your resume only makes life unnecessarily harder, you know?

Just like Fern, fueled by her desire to return Heiter’s kindness by being a full-fledged mage to show him how capable she is. How she grew so strong and tough, building something for herself aside from what was given by him. Heiter is getting older, and with his years of alcoholism coming back to bite his ass on top of it, Fern knows how short-lived their time together is. With nothing but the drive to prove herself, not even a ion for magic, Fern aspired to be the best version of herself for the old man.

I know how pressuring it is to grow up in a strict Asian family. In fact, the baggage never went away. Even after 6 years, it never got better. However, I’m sure, somewhere deep down, you knew things would not get better anytime soon.

Is your desire to grow and build a future for yourself, or are you just doing your best to prove your worth to them, so you can shove down their throats that you’re more than the disappointment they see?

By being driven by hatred and revenge, you’re only blinding and robbing yourself of your present. There is more to life than just chasing recognition and attention from those who matter. You’re strong— I’m sure you can achieve your aspirations, but handling everything all at once is not it. Stop being prideful and look at the world you live in. You are loved, valued, and despite having your lows, you are worthy of everything you’ve worked hard for.

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“Write your story.”

Wanting a genuine connection with people that matter has always been the longing you carry in silence. You believe that it’s the best way to grow, right? Being surrounded by those who will challenge your intellect, skills, and how well you adapt to everything. What a nerd, ha.

Well, you’re not wrong— but you’re not seeing the whole picture either, not even close. Yearn for real connection, not out of need, but because you want to give back the unwavering they unconditionally give. To see them fully, understand them deeply, and love them in all the ways they’ve always deserved.

Listen, you’ll learn this lesson the hard way. Loved ones will leave you because of your nasty habit of keeping things to yourself and unknowingly seeing them as tools for your growth. As Frieren did, the regret of not knowing anything about her comrade only sank in when he was no more than a memory, and became the wound she healed from decades after his death. But see, this very regret served as the spark that led her to form real, unbroken bonds.

You’ll lose people you cherish, not because you dismiss them, but time will pull them apart from you. The regret of not knowing any better will always be there. Your hermit life never made it better, too. It will be the toughest hurdle you’ll face, and slowly, you’ll get there.

Stop focusing on the people you lost— they’ll never come back. Write your own story, as your company and self-reliance will be the driving force you need to overcome the harsh reality of life. Be comfortable in being alone, for you will never be lonely as long as you have your own back, but not too much. In the end, you must work on how to build relationships.

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“I’m sorry that they always pick you last…”

Despite that… I’m sure you know all too well, how hard it is to see the good in people— not when they always pick you last, how they treat you as nothing but a last resort. In fact, you’ll only have sincere souls around you when you’re in college.

Friends who will instantly look at you the moment your professor announces a group work. A group that finds a common ground without forcing anyone to compromise too much. Friends you can cry to when things get too overwhelming, and people who will understand, pushing you to become the best version of yourself. Everything you wanted, always deserved…

During your high school graduation, instead of happily going home after celebrating a feat, you’ll break down crying as you the sea of faces, hugging friends, and cheering with their classmates as they end a significant part of their lives; while you sit in the corner, alone. You will carry this trauma years into your life but… the right people will find you. Stay true to yourself, and become better as you push through everything.

Just as Frieren found Himmel, Eisen, and Heiter, you’ll find them too. Frieren achieved great things, even defeating the biggest threat to mankind, but as she always proclaim—

“I didn’t do it alone. I was blessed with strong allies.”

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“You’ll grow up, grow so tough.”

Being on your own comes with its own set of challenges, and deep down, you know that. Life will keep reminding you of that, over and over. For years, not even a single soul will be there for you— but hey, it isn’t so bad.

Every journey comes to an end, even with the people you cherish the most. In Frieren’s adventure, her time with Heiter, Eisen, and Himmel only lasted for 10 years. See, in her life, the lessons and experiences she gained in her journey only flourished in her quiet moments followed by everyone’s absence. The same goes for you too… but it’s not too bad, as accepting the solace of having nothing but yourself gives you the warmth and comfort you yearned for.

Through this moment of silence and solitude, you’re learning how to love and appreciate yourself. The realization that growth never happens in the midst of having people who have your back, but rather, it comes when you learn to depend and believe in yourself no matter what happens.

You’ll grow up, strong and tough. Not because of the people around you, or the ingenuine relationships you held onto — but because you finally learned to love yourself, despite it all.

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“Keep on going with your silly dream. Everything will make sense, dear.”

Even Himmel the Hero will someday be forgotten. His vigor, triumph over the Demon King, and the recognition he earned for saving the world— all of it, less than a century after his death, is already slipping from memory. His sacrifices, once celebrated, are now quietly fading, almost as if what he did was nothing but a fairy tale.

I understand how your young mind equates achievement and recognition to self-worth, but that’s not how it is at all. Stop aiming for the stars if it means losing track of what really matters. No matter how far you have come or how many sacrifices you make, you will be forgotten someday. So live your life. You can’t have it all even if you give everything you have. Life is incredibly uncertain, and so… please live a life you can look back on and say, “I was truly happy and content.”

Eventually, you’ll realize how much you lost in the pursuit of your goals. You lost your ion for music because you only saw it as a distraction from your studies. Our 9-year-old self would cry if she knew that, you know? So keep on going with that dream of being the best musician. Live a balanced life, excelling in your studies isn’t everything.

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“You’ll fall in love too, something you thought you’d never do.”

Lastly, I know you’ll hate me for being open like this, especially in a post where hundreds of people will see you vulnerable…

But at the end of the day, you’re just a girl. You’ll fall in love despite being a nerdy, stubborn, hot-headed idiot. If you’re wondering what kind of a man you’re with, he doesn’t fit the daydreams. You know, the ones you stitched together from movies and fantasized about while listening to soft songs. No, he’s not the perfect guy you used to imagine yourself with.

Further in life, you’ll realize— you don’t need someone who matches every single thing about you. You don’t need a guy that showers you with gifts, you don’t need someone flawless and picture-perfect. Heck, if the present you met someone like that, I’d shoo him away for creeping me out.

Instead, the man you’ll be with is someone who might appear too simple at times, never stands out and isn’t flawless in any way. Yet, he’s the one who shattered the walls you built from learning the hard way that promises can lie too. He’s the one who let you be you.

The definition of perfect differs from person to person… But for you, he’s the embodiment of it. You hated men, but you never saw, not even once in your life, how you could ever hate this man. And hey, guess what, you’ll experience simping too. We share the same affection for gentle giants, after all.

Unlike Himmel, he isn’t a hero who saved you from all the burdens you have to carry. Instead, he is the best friend who offers you light when everything else is drowning in shadow, through his unconditional and unfading existence. He carries your burdens with you, just how you like it.

Please never reject affection and love, you are worthy of it. Don’t make it harder for yourself by pushing everyone away, dumdum.

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Anyway, I have to go soon. Life is even busier now, with the endless responsibilities that come with pushing through. Either way, we can never coexist and have a chat about life. A bit self-serving to soothe my yearning for the days of the past; not to dwell on it, but to give you pieces of advice you needed the most.

Do your best for me, alright? Stay strong.

Until then,

— From me,

the one who made it through.

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#YuriYuRei

Heya, it’s been a while.

I haven’t posted anything for 2 years, and yeah more or less gave up on blogging. I even forgot about this app for a good while hahaha. I just had lots of free time for the first time in MONTHS thanks to the Easter break. Also, today’s my 19th birthday, and seeing the event on the featured page, I thought it’d be a good opportunity to incorporate a “letter to my younger self” prompt into a blog. I wanted to word this post in a casual but “advice”-ish tone, just as how I would talk to my younger self.

The content is heavily inspired by this song by Laufey. Her songs are one of the few things that keep me alive lately.

That’s all for now. Thanks for your time and have a good day.