exploring my gender identity

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

Hello lovelies! Cidney here and today I’m going to be talking about my experiences and feelings on my own gender, and how I’m still making discoveries about myself even today.

I hope this helps, and maybe some of you can relate to this yourself. So, without further ado, let’s get started!

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

childhood

During my childhood, I was always a pretty happy kid. I was considered a tomboy, and would run around with the guys a lot. I wasn’t too fond of dresses, but I wore them from time to time. Any excuse to wear pants though and run around in the mud, I took.

Up until about age 7-8, my mom would always dress me, so I didn’t have much decision over what I wore. However, as I entered grade school, my parents finally gave up in telling me what to wear and that’s when I started to express myself! Some days I would show up in a tutu wearing Lighting McQueen shoes and a t-rex t-shirt. Other days, I might opt for just plain old jeans and a t-shirt.

Most girls my age wouldn’t want to play soccer with me, or run around in the fields. It was all about playing fairies or jumping rope. So, I mostly stuck with the guys. (And maybe a few tomboys here and there who didn’t mind getting dirty).

Needless to say, my gender expression was kind of all over the place.

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

middle school and high school

As I hit puberty, I grew a lot more self-conscious of my body. I started slouching and trying to hide my chest... My mom and I would oftentimes butt heads as she would lecture me on good posture while I retaliated on why I didn’t want my chest to stick out.

As I journeyed through middle school, my wardrobe changed to mostly jeans and baggy t-shirts. Most of the time, I would go makeup free, but on occasion for band concerts and such, I would express that side of me.

As high school came on, I became more upset about my appearance at times. My chest was getting bigger, and I was not happy about it. When I ed my school’s jazz band, I found out we wore dress shirts and ties! And from that point on, my dress wear of choice became a button up and tie no matter what the occasion.

Looking back, I’ve always really liked the mixing of masculine and feminine things. The way I look in makeup, while wearing a suit and tie. Or when I mix a button-up shirt + tie with a skirt and combat boots...

However, one thing has remained consistent: I’ve always wanted a flatter chest.

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

my experience binding

I my first time binding clear as day. After I slid my t-shirt over myself, I finally felt like I was me.

I have distinct memories over the past few years googling non-binary top surgery results, and envying male/amab cosplayers when they cosplayed as a female character and how they looked with a flat chest.

I rejoicing with Ash Hardell as they revealed their top surgery results to the world. It makes me happy to see others happy, and it reminds me that top surgery in the future might not be too far around the corner.

where i’m at now

These past few months I’ve experimented with a lot of things... I’ve tried on new labels, pronouns, clothes, and much more. I’ve had my friends use different words to describe me — like “handsome” or “dashing”. Asking my boyfriend to say things to me like “beautiful prince” or “handsome princess” when he’s iring me.

And, I’ve learned a lot.

While I have learned a lot of things lately, there are still a lot that I’ve got to learn. I’m still learning and exploring and growing. I might not have everything figured out quite yet. Some things may change. And, that’s okay.

At the end of the day, however, one thing is for sure. And that is that I am me.

No matter how much my labels change or who I end up becoming in the future, I am going to be me. And that’s something that will never change.

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

outro

I hope this post helped, and maybe you guys learned a bit more about me. I love you all!

Stay safe loves, and I’ll see you in the next post!

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

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