The First Goodbye

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"It's your turn, Aubrey."

How on God's green earth will I be able to do this?

I slowly rise from my seat, clutching the tattered paper in my hands. I'd spent hours on it, I knew that Rory would've liked it.

I deliberately make my way to the front of the room, my legs feeling heavy, and step closer. My hands skim the shiny surface of the casket. I stepped up to the podium, and look out across the sea of people here, in the funeral home. Tears sting my eyes.

This is what he would've wanted. Right?

I quickly wipe the tears off my face and look down at my paper, my hands fiddling with it. My legs shook. No sadness could compare to this moment in time.

"First of all, I want to thank everybody here for coming," I look straight at my mother, "I know this is what Rory would've wanted. He's always been the most extroverted out of us siblings. It's a shame he isn't here to see this." I saw my mother, tears streaming down her blushed cheeks, holding onto my father's suit coat.

"So, if you didn't know already, Rory was fighting leukemia for most of his life. He was such a fighter, I'm so proud of him. But, we've always known that it wasn't a matter of if, it was a matter of when. No matter what we ever did, we couldn't save him. He was too young, and his body was too weak." I looked back at my mother, "I've recently realized that, and I'm so glad that we made the most out of his final moments together." I held eye , her eyes looked bloodshot, and the light that was once there now a distant memory.

"I once, when Rory and I played with his toys," I continued, "he had said, "Aubrey, you know I love you right?", I responded with a nod, "When I'm gone, I don't want you or momma to be sad. Okay?" I ed after he spoke, my breath caught in my throat, he had not been diagnosed yet, but I somehow knew he had really meant it, "Don't say things like that, you don't know what you're talking about." I had simply waved it off. But then two weeks after he was diagnosed, it was cancer. I decided not to tell my mother; I figured it would worry her too much. "

"I don't know how or why, but he knew. He knew he didn't did have time. He knew he would never have his first kiss. He knew that he would never get to see New York or Amsterdam. He knew he would never hear the cries of his newborn child. He said goodbye long before he died. I did too. I think that's why I feel numb. My only regret was not telling Mother sooner. So, for that, I'm so sorry."

I slinked back to my seat, looking down, not at my mother. And as I sat down, I felt a black hole of my own sorrow, enclose around me.

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