yearning sucks (10/10 do not recommend)

from my ao3 ★ written on 050125

tw ☆   swearing, mentions of

alcohol, mentions of vomiting

low-key    depictions    of    an

unhealthy obsession/crush on

another person.

         Gunwook has only been alive on planet Earth for 20 years, and yet he still thinks that whatever emotion that courses through his veins whenever he watches Matthew interact with someone that isn't him, is by far the worst thing he has ever felt in his life. He knows he has no reason to, also, which only makes feeling the feelings that much worse. It isn't like he can approach the subject to Matthew either; he sees Gunwook like a younger brother, a cute dongsaeng that he was meant to "take care of" due to being older than him.

         So, he watches. He watches from afar, the smiles that grace Matthew's face when he's on study dates with Hanbin and Jiwoong, the laughs the three of them let out when Matthew shows them a funny video during their small 15 minute breaks. Gunwook ires Matthew and all his features, wanting to be that person for him, but has come to accept the fact he never will be. It sucks, sure, and he'll never hear the end of it from Gyuvin and Ricky, but he pushes forward. Places a smile on his face that reads "I'm still your best friend, hyung" when Matthew wraps his arms around his shoulder and drags him to the couch to bundle together and watch new episodes of an anime they started. Part of him wishes Matthew knew how much that smile pained him.

──────

         "Your textbook is down there, Gunwook," Ricky sighs as he flicks Gunwook's forehead, leaning across the table to do so. It's apparent to anybody who walks by their table in the study hall that Gunwook's focus is on anything but his anatomy textbook that's open on the chapter he vehemently promised he'd get done by the end of today.

         Gunwook responds to the flick by whining, rubbing his forehead with his index and middle finger before glaring at Ricky, who stares back, unimpressed. "That hurt," he answered, albeit a late reaction. The boy in front of him rolled his eyes and tapped his textbook, "Focus. You have an exam in two days on these five chapters. You can afford to tear your eyes off of Matthew for a couple of hours."

         "I can't, and you know that," was his reply, a lie he sprouted more often than not when he studied. He really didn't mean to choose to study at the hall the same day Matthew was with Jiwoong. It just happened to work out that way. And now, Gunwook sits distracted as he watches Matthew laugh and giggle while looking at Jiwoong's phone before going back to writing in his notebook. "He's just so–"

         "Nope. Not today, I am not sitting for this rant," Ricky huffed as he packed his things and stood up, grabbing Gunwook's items as well and pulling him up by the arm. "We are heading to my apartment, and you will finish this chapter."

         Ricky ignores the attempts from Gunwook at pulling away as he drags the younger boy out of the study hall, the latter ducking his head and apologizing when his whines become too loud and he receives stares from other students. Ricky does eventually let go, both pairs of arms dropping to their sides as they walk in silence. Ricky grumbles something along the lines of "I don't even take this class or get paid," as he walks at a faster pace, not caring if Gunwook is following or not (he knows he is, Ricky is aware that he hates when his textbooks aren't on his person at all costs, and Ricky still has a death grip on them as he walks).

         Gunwook watches as Ricky unlocks his apartment door, instantly being hit with the smell of Gyuvin's cologne, as said person is seated on the living room couch munching on chips as he watches a show on his phone. He watches as Ricky's eyes twitch before pulling him in and shutting the door. Ricky takes a deep breath in and exhales calmly before opening his mouth, "Gyuvin-ah, I thought I told you to stop eating messy foods on my brand new couch."

         His tone was sickingly sweet; Gunwook almost felt violently ill at the sudden change in voice from the person who just physically dragged him out of a study hall. If Gunwook thinks his yearning was bad, he just reminds himself of how Ricky repeatedly its how he doesn't care for Gyuvin like that, yet ignores the fact that he has his own key to his apartment, wears Ricky's clothes all the time, and worst of all, practically lives there even though Ricky pays for the apartment himself.

         Gyuvin cranes his neck back against the back cushion and smiles cheekily, "I know. I put towels down on the arm rest and underneath my butt," he pauses his show and sets down his bowl on the coffee table in front of him. "Aren't you proud of me, Rik?"

         Ricky blinks, his eyes glancing at where Gyuvin sits and sees that he did, in fact, do what he said he did. He sighs, ing that he has a hunk of a man behind him who is awkwardly watching this unfold as he waits for his books back to study. "Fine," Ricky lets out, nodding his head. "Yes, Gyuvin, I'm proud of you. But if I find any crumbs and God forbid any stains, I will actually commit murder."

         Gyuvin salutes, "Yes, Sir!" and continues on with his show, but not before muttering a 'hi Gunwookie' with a cute grin on his face, as if he knows why he ended up here. Gunwook waves back in response, then following behind Ricky into his bedroom, where he closes the door behind him and plops down on the edge of his bed.

         Despite his sighs and unwillingness to continue studying, which he usually loves doing, he continues anyway. Ricky assists him with practice questions until he's sure the information is drilled into Gunwook's memory. Only then does he close the textbook and place it into his bag, standing up from the floor and heading to freshen up. Gunwook does the same after Ricky walks back in and lays against the headrest, stealing Gyuvin's clothes as opposed to Ricky's as he fits them more comfortably.

         And now they lay side by side, Gunwook's head resting on his shoulder as he fiddles around with Ricky's fingers. His mind is racing a mile a minute, with thoughts of Matthew, his feelings, and the ways he wishes he could make the older see that he has always liked–maybe even loved–him. Ricky notices and sighs.

         "Are you ever going to tell him?"

         Gunwook replies instantly, "You know I can't."

         Technically speaking, Gunwook knows that he can. He has just chosen not to, in fear that it won't be reciprocated and he'll be left with a broken heart and no one close enough to him to fully put the pieces back together. He knows Gyuvin and Ricky would try, but deep down, it's clear that even those two combined wouldn't be enough to repair a heartbroken, damaged Gunwook.

         "I don't think I'm ready to face being left with a heart smashed into pieces by someone I care so deeply about," Gunwook explains after he hears Ricky click his tongue at his initial reply. "He's one of my best friends, Ricky. I don't want to lose that."

         "So you'd rather suffer knowing he may fall in love with someone else than risk the chance that someone else could be you?"

         Gunwook nods. He isn't sure what hurts more: Matthew falling in love with someone else while he watches, or knowing he could have been that person.

         He chooses to ignore it.

──────

         Ignoring it seems to do the trick.

         He continues on with his weekly hangouts with Matthew, occasionally with Hanbin, Hao, and Jiwoong. He pretends that the warmth of Matthew's touch and the lingering buzz that remains are reserved for him and him only, even when he knows it's false as he watches the same actions be done to everyone else. Matthew is overtly friendly, he concludes. Gunwook is still only seen as just that: a best friend.

         Currently, he's sandwiched between Matthew and Ricky, with Jiwoong next to Matthew. The whole group of friends have decided on a movie night to commemorate the end of their finals week and to celebrate the fact that all of them likely ed with flying colours. Yujin is seated on the floor next to Gyuvin, blankets thrown across their legs as Gyuvin holds the snack bowl. Hanbin and Hao are in their own little world by the kitchen bar, Taerae seated next to Jiwoong on the couch, watching the TV with an intense stare. He seems preoccupied with whatever film Ricky put on.

         Gunwook uses his peripheral vision to spare glances to the man next to him, trying his best to hide the smile that wants to creep onto his face. Ricky notices and sighs, shaking his head. Matthew, in turn, notices that and tilts his head, "What's wrong?"

         Ricky freezes for a second before relaxing. "It's nothing. Just... feeling the feelings, you know?" Matthew smiles and nods, seemingly satisfied with the answer, and turns back to his vibrant conversation with Jiwoong.

         Gunwook can't help but feel left out. The dark feeling of being unwanted seeps into his soul as his faint smile disappears upon hearing the beautiful laughs and giggles that Jiwoong pulls out of Matthew. He knows he's wanted, that the people around him love and care for him, yet he can't help but feel as though he isn't enough for them. For Matthew.

         Gunwook tries to push it down, focusing his eyes on the acting on the screen in front of him. He smiles at the conversation Gyuvin, Ricky, and Yujin have started up. Talking about some dinner that Yujin has to attend with a girl from his class, with Gyuvin and Ricky teasing him about it. It works for a couple minutes, ten at most. He turns his head to look at Taerae after smiling unconsciously at his reaction to a scene in the movie, and that's when he notices it. Matthew, having fallen asleep on Jiwoong's shoulder, their hands intertwined.

         Instantly, Gunwook feels bile rise from his throat, the unwanted, unneeded, and not enough feeling stabbing his heart. The stinging he tried so hard to ignore the last few weeks coming to a head. Gunwook turns his head away and rushes to the bathroom, shutting the door a little too loudly as he dry heaves over the toilet. Nothing comes out of his system but tears. He pushes himself back and leans against the wall, his knees bunched up and hands covering his face, silently sobbing.

         A knock on the door pulls him out for a second. "Gunwook-ah, are you okay?"

         It's Hao.

         When he doesn't get a response, Hao gently opens the door, shutting it just as carefully as he makes his way over to where he's cradling himself in the corner. Hao's voice is soothing when he asks what happened and if he's okay or needs anything. Gunwook shakes his head.

         "I can't do this anymore, hyung." Gunwook replies instead, vague on purpose. He knows that Hao will pry and prepares himself for it.

         "Do what, Gunwook?"

         "Love Matthew."

         Hao's face instantly softens even more as he pulls Gunwook into his arms and cradles the back of his head, taking the impact of Gunwook's quiet sobs onto his shoulder. Hanbin makes his way into the bathroom shortly after, likely receiving a text from Hao about the situation. Gunwook falls asleep like this, held softly by Hao, listening to his words of affirmations and sentiments that he'll be okay. He chooses to believe it this time.

──────

         Gunwook awakens the next morning with heavy eyes and a head that won't stop pounding. He recognizes being in Ricky's room, said person next to him, holding his hand gently. It's comforting, knowing that his best friend (that isn't Matthew, but at this point Gunwook is questioning if he can still consider him one) can be so open with touching and providing warmth despite not harboring any feelings. It eases the demon in the back of his mind, trying to force him into the mindset of last night.

         He lets go of Ricky's hand and sits upward, turning his head to find his phone plugged in with messages from Taerae, Yujin, Jiwoong, and Matthew. He ignores his phone first, noticing the note on the table with ibuprofen and a glass of water. The note was signed by Gyuvin, so he must've been the person who carried/eased him into Ricky's bed. He's always known that Gunwook has had a closer relationship to Ricky than him and feels neither jealous or upset at the fact. Proof that the relationship between Gyuvin and Ricky is strong enough to where friendship is a clear line.

         Gunwook takes the medicine and then opens his phone, opting to reply to everyone but Matthew. He isn't sure he can handle looking at him yet. Even if there's nothing going on between Jiwoong and him, the visual he saw last night hurt. Gunwook's heart is fragile, he realizes, as he stands up and goes to exit the bedroom when the door opens before his hand reaches the handle and Matthew appears in front of him.

         His body freezes, blood running cold, and he has the urge to just run. Run as far as his body can take him, back to his apartment, to a nearby park, to any place that won't have the person he's been dreading to encounter since last night. Gunwook doesn't run, though. It's like his feet planted roots in the ground where he stands, unable to even sway like a gentle breeze would to a regular tree.

         "Oh, Gunwookie! Are you feeling better? Hao-hyung said you gave him quite the scare last night." Matthew speaks up, his voice carrying over concern, though it's just as bright as Gunwook re it to be. It hurts. He knows Matthew cares, but he doesn't care in the way Gunwook wants him so desperately to, and it hurts. It stings.

         "Uh," Gunwook now verbally freezes, his vocal chords seemingly not wanting to cooperate with him in the way he wants them to. Eventually, he rasps out a, "Yeah. Thanks."

         He needs to get out of here.

         Gunwook ditches the bathroom, ditches the breakfast he knows Matthew worked hard on, grabs his bag and jacket, and puts on his shoes. He only pauses when he hears shuffling and a soft voice behind him, "Why are you leaving so early? Aren't you hungry?"

         He can't bear to turn to face Matthew, so he smiles, facing the door and lies, "I just ed that my mom needs me for something. She messaged me earlier, and I totally forgot."

         Matthew lets out a soft, "Oh, okay," before he heads back into the kitchen. Gunwook's eyes well up with tears when he hears the clinking sound of a plate and utensils being put away. It was clear then that Matthew had made breakfast for only the two of them. This is what Gunwook needed, though. To push him away. To stop feeling as deeply as he does. He said it to Hao last night, so why now does it hurt even more than knowing Matthew doesn't like him back?

         Gunwook wills his eyes to stay open until the front door behind him shuts with a soft 'click,' and then he closes them. Only then do his eyes begin to sting and the tears that formed and held themselves on with a string, snap and begin to trail down his cheeks. Based on the state of the apartment before he left, everyone aside from Taerae, Yujin, and Matthew had gone home. So, he texted Hao to see if they were able to pick him up.

         As he sits on the curb of the sidewalk outside Ricky's apartment complex, the tears he willed away now flowing freely, he wraps his arms around himself. The breeze outside is colder than he had anticipated, and Hanbin and Hao were further away than he thought. They could tell that Gunwook wasn't okay, but they also knew they would abide by road laws to ensure all three of them made it home alive. Gunwook was both thankful and irritated at that. Thankful because he would very much like to stay alive another day, but irritated because he doesn't know how much longer he can sit outside knowing Matthew is behind him in a building behind a closed door, able to leave at any time.

         When Hanbin and Hao do eventually arrive, they help pick Gunwook up and get him settled in the backseat, Hao buckling him in as he drapes a blanket over his thighs. He rests a hand on his cheek, wiping away the last remnants of his tears, "Oh, honey... We'll be home soon, I promise."

         With the car eventually pulling away, Gunwook misses how Matthew watched from the window. He misses how Matthew now, too, feels the stinging in his chest.

──────

         "Matthew knows you've been avoiding him, you know," Taerae speaks over the phone to Gunwook, who has since laid himself in his bed in a makeshift burrito. "He's been begging every single one of us to tell him what he did wrong."

         Gunwook stays silent as he rolls over and buries his head further into his pillow, groaning. He'd been in this state for the last four days, emailing his professors that he's been feeling under the weather and won't be able to hand in his last few assignments on time. While he isn't necessarily lying, Gunwook mainly has been doing this as a means to avoid Matthew and to gather his thoughts. Getting over a crush you've had since you met them is a little more difficult than he thought.

         "Let him keep begging, then," Gunwook replies after a short while, only hearing the soft typing of Taerae over the phone as the older works on his budgeting plan for a client (side business things). "I'm not ready to face him and tell him how I feel. I'm scared, Taerae-hyung."

         Taerae sighs loudly, clearly unimpressed. "It's getting to a point, Gunwook. You need to tell him. Do you not how even just thinking about him being with someone else nearly killed you?"

         "It did not almost kill me." Gunwook retorted.

         "Uh-huh. Sure," Taerae scoffs, shuffling papers around before Gunwook hears him pick up his phone. His voice goes softer, "I'm serious, though, Gunwook-ah. This will only keep eating you alive, and while I still love you, you're turning into a shell of yourself."

         Taerae pauses as though he's conflicted with what he says next. "You're not who you used to be."

         Gunwook stills. It's like he's just had a grand revelation. Gunwook tries to what his life had been like before he met Matthew. He finds that he can not recall anything of importance that mattered to him that didn't involve the older man in some capacity. Matthew has weaved his own life into the strings of life that stitch and hold Gunwook together, their threads so severely intertwined within his own being that Gunwook doesn't at all what he was like as an individual.

         He turns his head to his bedside table, eyes landing on the plant Matthew gifted him a few months ago. One that he still waters and keeps alive to this day, for fear that having it die would leave a piece of Matthew gone from his life. His eyes travel down to the articles of clothing placed upon his body, realizing that even despite wanting to distance himself, Gunwook absentmindedly went to putting on his matching pajamas that he has with Matthew. His ears, fingers, and neck still adorn the jewelry Matthew gifted him for his 19th birthday.

         Gunwook drifts back to the beginning of the semester, ing that he prioritized making sure he could always find or see glimpses of Matthew, whether it be taking a class together (he still had the mind to ensure it worked with his major), or booking tables at similar times at the study hall to ire him. Only then did Gunwook realize that his yearning, his internal and carnal desire to have Matthew all to himself in whatever way he could have him that wasn't anime episode nights on his couch, has caused him to lose touch of himself.

         Would itting to Matthew that he likes him and wants to be his change that? Probably not, considering the no recollection of his life before him, but Gunwook thinks that it's a step forward in redirecting his path to the one he had started when he turned 18.

         "I know." Is what Gunwook settles on before he feels before hears Taerae nod in response across the line. There's a sad smile on Gunwook's face, one that its defeat but acknowledges the toxic and harmful way he changed his life. It was all his own doing, and now it's up to him to fix it.

         Taerae ends the call shortly after, softly telling Gunwook that he was going to head to bed as he had to get up early in the morning for a get-together with old friends from high school. It left Gunwook on his back, staring at the ceiling until he sighed and closed his eyes, forcing himself to succumb to darkness in an attempt to get some rest.

──────

         It's around 4 in the morning when Gunwook hears his phone go off, the familiar ringtone being the one he set for when Matthew would call him. Groaning and albeit a bit groggily, he reaches over to his nightstand and answers his phone with a mumbled, "Hello?"

         "Hehehe... Hi Gunukie..." Matthew answers, his words slurred, and despite having just woken up, Gunwook can visualize the sway of his body due to being inebriated. "Gunukie actually answered me... This is the best night ever." The nickname tugs at his heart, even more so since it's being used while Matthew is essentially beside himself, clearly almost two sheets to the wind.

         "Where are you?" Gunwook decides to ask, unsure if Matthew has been drinking alone at his place or if he made the (to him) stupid decision to get shit-faced in public–even worse if he chose to do it alone.

         Matthew giggles as a response, the nonchalance of it all pushing Gunwook to sit up in his bed and let out a deep sigh. He's irritated, Matthew calling him as he's drunk but not telling him where he is. He holds his phone to his ear as he pulls himself out of bed and toward his closet, throwing on a sweater and changing into a pair of sweats. Matthew continues to giggle into his ear, eventually slurring that he's at the club nearby campus.

         "Stay there, don't move," Gunwook sighs as he grabs his wallet and keys, throwing himself outside into the night, cool air enveloping his body. "I'm on my way."

         "Yayyyy!" On any other day, this interaction between him and Matthew would place him on cloud nine; make him so happy that he feels like he could do anything. Right now, though, Gunwook doesn't know how to feel. If the older man were to spill his feelings to him, Gunwook guarantees that he won't it in the morning. The only thing he'd was drinking and the pain in his head from the hangover. Knowing that hurts more than it should to him.

         Gunwook ends the call and instead focuses on locating Matthew after he picks up the pace and eventually makes his way to the building. It's there that he sees Matthew sitting on the sidewalk, legs stretched out onto the road, head hanging low as his hands are slump on his lap. The sight to an outsider would elicit either disgust or discomfort, but to Gunwook, it's sad.

         There's something about the look on his face that tugs at his heartstrings as he walks closer. He leans down and places a hand on his shoulder. "Matthew," he says quietly, watching as Matthew lifts his head and stares at Gunwook. "Let's go home."

         Matthew whines as Gunwook assists in lifting him up by holding his arm and tugging him upward. He resists with a petulant "I don't wanna," but with the alcohol in his system doing what it does best in high doses, he easily complies after a bit of force on Gunwook's end. Pulling out his phone as he wraps an arm around his waist after throwing Matthew's arm over his shoulders, he dials Hanbin's number.

         "Gunwook? Why are you calling at..." he trails off, seemingly to check the time. "At nearly 5 in the morning?"

         "I have a drunk Matthew, and I don't know what to do," Gunwook breathes out, his words coming out a struggle with the heavy weight of Matthew pulling at his side. "I've never dealt with something like this before."

         Hanbin decides not to ask the question of why Matthew is drunk at this hour and why Gunwook is there as opposed to him. Opting instead to calmly reply, "I'm sure you're already doing it, but get him to your place first, since his is likely too far away,"

         Gunwook nods even though he knows Hanbin can't see it. He lets him continue, "And then get him water. It'll help sober him up. I think it has magic or something in it, since whenever he drinks it after consuming an ungodly amount of alcohol it makes it seem like he never drank to begin with."

         That's... Worrying. Not because it's a bad thing, but it means that Matthew might start spewing things that a sober Matthew would never say out loud, and Gunwook isn't sure he's equipped to handle that yet. "What if he–"

         "What if he starts rambling?" Hanbin cuts him off, already knowing the question he wanted to ask. "Well, you know the saying that drunk words are sober thoughts. This applies to Matthew, and he's 90% likely to them in the morning."

         Hanbin says this like it's a good thing, but it only furthers the spiral that Gunwook is already in. Just when he's about to ask more questions, Hanbin is answering them in rapid fire motion in an attempt to appease the stress he knows Gunwook is in. It doesn't help, but he appreciates the notion regardless.

         "Just treat him like a human, Gunwook. That's the least you can do when he's not himself."

         With that, the call ends. It's ironic, the parting words said by Hanbin. Gunwook isn't even himself right now, so how can he take care of someone else in the same boat as him?

         Sliding his phone back into his sweater pocket, Gunwook generates as much strength as he can in the weather he's succumbed himself to and guides him and Matthew back to his place. It's empty, as Hanbin decided to go back home for the weekend, and Hao had tagged along, stating something about "wanting to shower Areum in gifts." Whatever that meant.

         The walk the two engage in is nothing short of silent. Matthew grumbles here and there, but otherwise, he's pliant, heavy, and quiet. It's rather concerning, to be honest, but Gunwook just has to get him home and onto their couch, and he can regard the night a success. The breeze around them causes Matthew to shiver. Gunwook notices and decides he can sacrifice his own warmth to keep the man beside him warmer, taking off his sweater and stopping their walk to guide Matthew's arms in and zip it up. When he sighs in relief, the tug of Gunwook's heart is louder than the way it thumps in his chest.

         Gunwook has never been happier that he lives close to a club, because now he can at least say it was more convenient for him to take Matthew to his place than to call for a driver to take them back to his own. At least, that's the story Gunwook will explain to him if Matthew asks in the morning about why he ended up in their shared living room when it was clear Gunwook had been avoiding him. His brain also generates the question of: if you were so hell-bent on ignoring me, why answer my call? Spoken by mind Matthew.

         Gunwook's mouth dries at the hypothetical question no one asked.

         The pair eventually make it back to his place, Gunwook using his free hand to pull out his keys to unlock the door. He guides Matthew in first, following behind him to shut the door. Taking off his shoes first, he holds onto the older tighter as he fumbles with his balance attempting to take of his own. The view makes Gunwook chuckle, to which Matthew responds to a weak punch to the chest as a faux 'shut up' spoken in actions rather than words.

         Gunwook places Matthew on the couch, covering his legs with the throw over blanket lying on the back cushion before making his way into the kitchen to pour him a glass of water. Mentally, he is not prepared whatsoever for the future words that may exit his mouth when he downs the supposed 'liquid magic' as Hanbin had described it. He's lived going on three years pushing down the touches, the words, the soft smiles, and giggles from Matthew as something that happens between friends. He's pretended that all he feels are platonic feelings, even when all it has done to him is strip him of memories before him.

         Gunwook isn't ready at all for that to change if Matthew decides to speak.

         He silently walks back into the living room and hands Matthew the glass, the older downing it in record speed. Although a bit loopy, he successfully lands the placement of the glass on the table, leaning back against the couch and sighing. Gunwook awkwardly stands at the end of the couch, simply watching the older boy. He jumps when Matthew utters, "Sit down."

         Even with his eyes closed, Matthew can sense Gunwook nodding his head and feels the couch dip next to him. He still doesn't speak. He just follows. Alcohol tends to dissipate quickly for Matthew, hence why Hanbin often thinks water has magic capabilities to it when he drinks it after a night of nonstop drinking. All it does, though, is help him formulate his thoughts. And now, after a week of no- or severely limited with Gunwook, he's decided to speak it all at once. The residual alcohol in his system provides a confidence boost more than anything.

         "I know you've been avoiding me," Matthew starts. The pain is evident in his voice, and it takes Gunwook's entire being to nor crumble right then and there. "I just want to know why. Did I upset you? Did I say something wrong?"

         Gunwook stays silent. What should he say? He doesn't want to lie to him but he also cannot bear the change that will occur if he speaks his truth and reveals all the demons nipping information in his ear; that Matthew would find him disgusting, that he's just like a little brother to him, that he'd never, ever see Gunwook the same way. The older seems to notice and sighs.

         "You really are someone who thinks too much and speaks so little," he hums. Matthew turns his head to look at the younger boy next to him. He looks so small despite structurally being larger than him. "I've always wanted to know what goes on in that head of yours. If it thinks about me as much as mine does you."

         Gunwook blinks.

         Wait, what?

         "What?" Matthew watches as the gears turn in Gunwook's head, and his eyes widen. Matthew laughs in response, "I mean it, whatever that brain of yours is interpreting that as, I mean it."

         He continues, "You're not very slick, you know. Everyone can see the study hall book list. I know why you ed my Econ class despite not theoretically needing it."

         Gunwook feels sick to his stomach.

         This shouldn't be happening. Matthew should be asleep, snoring loudly, blissfully unaware of his continuous yearning and longing gazes from afar. He should not be staring into Gunwook's soul, speaking words that he understands but are foreign coming out of his mouth. Matthew is drunk. He doesn't mean this, not in a way that will matter come the next morning. It doesn't stop Gunwook from covering his mouth and bolting to the bathroom only to have a repeat of a week ago, though. This time, no tears escape his eyes. All he feels is emptiness. Instead, it's the realization that Matthew is speaking the words he's always wanted to hear from him but won't in the morning, that makes him ill.

         Gunwook rests on his knees, head hanging low and his arms feeling like loose strings on his body. How poetic that he rests in the same way he found Matthew on the street forty minutes ago, just slightly different.

         The universe decides it still wants to play God with his life, and in walks Matthew a few minutes later after he recovers from the dry heaving. The sun is starting to poke its way through the small window in the bathroom. It's shine illuminating the side of Matthew's and his own face. Gunwook flinches at the touch of a hand on his shoulder before the words that exit his mouth, "Are you okay?"

         Forming balls with his fists, Gunwook breathes in heavily and moves to stand up, wobbling a bit before holding his stance on the ground. He exhales, "No, Matthew-hyung, I'm not."

         "You're the reason I feel like this. You're drunk and saying things I've always wanted to hear from you. I can't keep pretending that we're friends when all I've wanted for three years is to be more than that," Gunwook rushes out, trying to control his volume so he can regulate his emotions. It works to an extent, as he's able to continue on without raising his voice. "But, you're drunk. You don't, and won't, mean the things you say to me even if they make my heart leap. I may not be able to handle the rejection, but I certainly won't be able to handle being led on."

         Gunwook feels the kiss of tears beginning to trail down his cheeks, his hands still fisted latched to the side of his body. He's done it. Gunwook has spilled his heart out to the person he swore he never would for fear that it would change everything and not in a way he wanted. He closes his eyes, not wanting to see Matthew seeing him in this position. He feels vulnerable, exposed, and, worst of all, still unwanted.

         "Gunwook-ah... Look at me," He tries to pull away when he feels Matthew place two hands on his cheeks. Matthew doesn't relent, though, instead keeping his grip. It's soft yet strong. It makes Gunwook peel open his eyes to look down at him. "I've sobered up long before we got back here. You have to believe me when I tell you that I know. I know you like me because I like you too."

         "When you weren't in my sight for the last week, it was torture," Matthew continues on, his thumbs wiping away the tears that don't seem to be stopping any time soon. "I saw the signs so long ago, I just was in the same boat as you."

         Gunwook sniffles, "Not wanting to ruin what we already had..."

         "That's right." Matthew nods, a soft smile adorning his face as he cradles Gunwook's face with such a gentleness that it almost makes him start crying again. He holds it in, though, not wanting to break down a second time.

         A pout replaces the frown on Gunwook's face. "But what about Jiwoong-hyung?"

         "Hmm?" Matthew tilts his head as if he doesn't know what he's referring to. Gunwook whines as he has to relive that gut-wrenching moment of seeing his crush curled up next to someone else so comfortably, sleeping.

         "Movie night..." He mumbles, refraining from committing a full body tremor to exude jealousy that he technically had no right to feel at the time. This seems to jog Matthew's memory, and he starts giggling loudly, his hands falling from his cheeks to clutch his stomach.

         "Oh, Gunwook... You're so cute," Matthew starts after he calms down enough to speak coherently. "I mean, I can't deny falling asleep on him because I did, but I don't like him like that."

         "Besides, have you seen the way he looks at Taerae?"

         Gunwook turns into Matthew as he weakly punches at his shoulder, covering his tear stained face with his other free hand. Matthew laughs again and grabs onto his wrist, hand traveling to hold his own. They stand in silence for a few seconds before Gunwook decides to speak up.

         "So... What now, hyung?"

         Matthew smiles, "We sleep," he watches Gunwook open his mouth to speak, and he cuts him off before he can. "And, as much as I want to give you space... I'm cold, you're warm, and you have the better bed in the whole apartment."

         Gunwook giggles at both the statement and the smile that's on Matthew's face. He could live with this. At least he now knows that he spoke his truth, and if Matthew changes his mind come tomorrow, Gunwook can say that he tried and can move on without regrets.

         Something tells him, though, that Matthew wasn't lying.

──────

         Waking up with a numb arm and a weight splayed across your chest is a feeling Gunwook can confidently say he has never felt before until now.

         His eyes flutter open, the time on his phone reading 11 in the morning. The feeling in his left arm is gone, but when he notices the brown fluff against his chin, he supposes it is worth it. Matthew's arm is wrapped around his waist, head on his chest as he snores softly. Even if this is a one time occurance, it will always remain a fond memory in Gunwook's life.

         Using the arm he still has feeling in, he maneuvers Matthew into a position more comfortable for him while Gunwook carefully gets out of bed. He uses the bathroom to freshen up, finding himself back in his kitchen to start making breakfast (or any food, really) for the two of them. It's peaceful having the apartment to himself, so he's able to move freely around, making as much noise as he wants until he re that Matthew is still dead to the world in his bedroom.

         Gunwook opts to make Matthew's favourite pancakes, something he knows reminds him of his home. Though he has high hopes about the conversation they both known needs to happen before he leaves the apartment, Gunwook believes that Matthew should be sent off with a hearty first meal of the day even if it ends with someone's heart being broken.

         Just as he starts preparing to pour the batter in the pan, he hears shuffling behind him as Matthew stands on his tip-toes and rests his head on his shoulder. "Whatchya making?"

         "Your favourite pancakes. With a bit of my own extra love," Gunwook smiles, having made sure to hide the mint extract he added to Matthew's batter right after he used it. He feels the older make a confused face and giggles. "You'll see."

         It hit him then how easy it was to use the word "love" in that sentence and how it seemed that Matthew was more confused about the idea of something happening to his pancakes rather than the way it was worded. It's small, sure, but it still makes his chest feel lighter in the moment. Maybe he's worried about nothing. Only time will tell for that judgment call.

         Matthew goes and sits at the dining table, seated in the chair that directly faces the kitchen and, more importantly, the stove. Gunwook feels his eyes on him the entire time he cooks his pancakes, and for once, it feels at ease with his eyes on him. He doesn't feel the need to cower, to push down how he feels and pretend. A smile etches itself on his face as he plates their food, and it widens when he watches the light in Matthew's eyes glow at his plate.

         Gunwook sits down across from him, waiting for Matthew to taste his first before digging into his own. The reaction is immediate when Matthew goes, "You put mint in my pancakes!" He locks eyes the second he says so, and the smile on Matthew's face is forever embedded into Gunwook's visual gallery. He nods in response.

         "You are literally the best person in the world, I love you. It's like eating warm mint chocolate chip ice cream. I'm in heaven."

         The flush that appears on Gunwook's neck, ears, and cheeks does not go unnoticed by the boy across from him, but he says nothing and continues happily eating his mint chocolate chip pancakes, doing a little dance each time a new bite is placed in his mouth. Gunwook picks at his own as well, trying to will away the burning he feels in his face. It was a fleeting statement, but it stuck; Matthew said the three words.

         Their conversation from last night picks up when Gunwook is doing the dishes. Matthew walks beside him, taking a tea towel and drying the dishes that he's already washed and set aside to dry. It's quaint, and they work in tandem.

         "I everything from last night," Matthew starts off, his hands slowing down before he eventually sets the water glass from last night down on the counter. "And I meant everything that I said."

         Gunwook gulps, rinsing off the last dish before setting it aside. He dries his hands and turns to Matthew, "I did too," he pauses. "Meant everything, I mean. I've always liked you, Matthew. I was just scared that by telling you we'd ruin everything. I wasn't sure if I could have handled that, so I held it in."

         "I was kind of hoping that you would've just said 'fuck it' and tell me anyways but..." Matthew trails off before grinning and inching closer to Gunwook, deciding that he could wrap his arms around his waist and rest his head against his chest. "I suppose getting drunk because I was in my feels about the distance you put between us got us here in the end."

         Matthew pulls away for a moment to look up at Gunwook, "I want this to work out. Do you want to go on a date with me?"

         Gunwook lets out a breath he didn't realize he was holding and smiles.

         "Of course."

──────

         2 weeks post first date, it's designated movie night once again between the group of friends. Dynamics haven't changed much within that time frame: Hanbin and Hao remain glued to one another's hips; Jiwoong and Taerae continue to sneak glances to one another; Gyuvin and Ricky bicker like an old married couple; and Yujin watches everyone with fondness in his eyes despite his actions making him out to be a menace.

         The only dynamic that has changed, is that of Gunwook and Matthew. No longer do they dance around the feelings each have harbored for one another. They don't do things that make you want to bash your head into a wall, and most importantly, Gunwook is beginning to become more like himself again; a development Taerae made sure to whisper to him that he was proud to witness.

         Somehow, they've become worse than Hanbin and Hao, according to Yujin, and those two have always been bad.

         "We're dating now," Matthew announces to the group the second they walk into Ricky's apartment. He holds their intertwined hands and pushes them into the air like a trophy. "Eyes, hands, and feet off. I'm looking at you, Gyuvin. Playing footsies all the time."

         "First, we all bet on when it would happen so everyone owes me 20 bucks," Gyuvin replies calmly, taking a sip of his cola. "And second, I haven't played footsies with Gunwookie in like five months, relax."

         "That too!" Matthew exclaims, pointing a finger at him. "Gunwookie is my nickname for him."

         Gyuvin sticks his tongue out at him, replying in a singsong manner, "Too late for that, I've been calling him it longer than you have!"

         Matthew huffs, much to the amusement of Gunwook before he goes off and begins a conversation with Hanbin and Hao. The younger makes his way to the couch where he opts to sit next to Taerae and Ricky, sandwiched right in the middle. The fond look Ricky has on him makes him feel mushy.

         "You look so happy, Gunwook," Ricky smiles. Gunwook feels happy, too. "I'm glad that you guys worked it out."

         Taerae nods his head, "I agree. When you phoned me that day a month? Ago, I was so scared that we were going to lose you. Not in that way, but, you were slipping away personality-wise."

         "I never once thought that dealing with a drunk Matthew who sobers up like he has an internal magnet that sucks away inebriation would take us where we are now." Gunwook answers after listening to both of his two friends. As their own reply, they both wrap an arm around his waist and rest their cheeks on his shoulder. The action makes him feel loved, appreciated, cared for, and the warmth of friendship burns. However, this time, it burns like a campfire: controlled and comfortable.

         After the movie that they chose ends, Gunwook stands up and makes his way to place himself in the front of the TV. The credits roll and, to match his initially eager boyfriend earlier in the day, announces too that he is dating Matthew. Everyone wears a confused look before he adds on one special statement:

         "Prepare for me to be even more insufferable." Gunwook triumphantly states with a hand to his chest and one on his waist. The laughs that surround him fill his heart with more joy.

         So, while yearning sucks and if he were to leave a review it would be a -9000/10, Gunwook can say that it worked. It hurt, yes; it stung, he cried, dry heaved, and nearly lost himself in the process, but it worked. With his friends by his side and now Matthew, his boyfriend, he can start the healing process. Work on building a new identity for himself that includes both him and Matthew.

         Gunwook knows he could live with that.