Manon’s Journals 7

(Massive trigger warning, expresses trauma from R in a poetic way that shows how’s she’s trying to deal with it and heal from it.)

Journal 7 (trigger warning)

Dear Aranea,

What song will they sing for me when I am gone?

When the circle of life is complete what will they sing for me?

Who will be there?

I am no one.

I am nothing.

I can lie and say I used to think I was something.

But I know the truth.

I know I always felt like nothing.

My father thinks I’m nothing,

and so do my brothers.

Aranea, these days make me think.

They make me process.

The forced silence.

Its not even that...it’s I don’t want to focus on what is happening in the present.

To survive I need to think of something else.

Sometimes I go to a good place where I can sing and be happy and smile and see your smile. And other times I can’t help but get caught in the web of the past.

Why am I like this?

Why do I do the things I do?

Why am I so messed up?

How did I get here?

Then it hurts too much to it it Aranea

it hurts too much.

I hurt too much.

My heart it’s been broken.

I realise it’s been broken.

It was hurt long before I ever fell in love.

It broke that night in my room at 3am the lights are off. I could hear the sound of my brother’s voice as he asked me if was awake.

I was awake,

there was a storm.

I couldn’t sleep with storms.

He told me he was going to cuddle me to help me fall asleep.

But he didn’t.

He broke my heart.

I cried the whole time.

I was so scared.

He broke my heart over and over.

I should have said something,

I should have screamed, I should have told my father.

I should have but I didn’t...it’s my fault.

When the darkness closes in and the silence attacks me

it’s my fault.

I hear it echo.

I hear it pound on my head like a hammer,

like my fists,

trying to get out,

trying to leave this prison of words,

this prison of memories.

Why can’t I leave?