Manon’s Journals 6

(Trigger warning self hard and abuse slightly referenced)

Journal 6

Dear Aranea,

All I have are my memories to live on.

I live on the memories of you.

I our dance.

I your quiet bubbly laughter.

I your beautiful dark hair.

I can picture ever inch of your face

but I am afraid as the days go on that I will forget pieces of it.

I will not be able to recall so easily who you were.

I the moment I helped Eve to see and feel the moon.

I his face,

I him talking to me about never feeling things.

I his utter peace at just talking to the moon.

Sometimes I do that too.

I can’t sleep at night and I get up and go outside.

I cry under the moonlight and I talk to her.

I talk to Luna.

I sing songs to her.

The Celtic ones we used to sing together. She listens to me and she cries with me.

I feel numb to the world.

He used my body

but he cannot touch my soul.

He can break my heart

but he cannot touch my soul.

But he takes his hand and he reaches into my chest and crushes my heart.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be the same and then I know I will not be.

He has not made it official yet but know I cannot leave. When I think that this will be my life for the rest of my years I can barely bear to bring myself to another breath.

I’d rather to hold my breath till I die and take away the pain and the emptiness.

On the nights he’s not there I think about what if I used my letter opener...what if I ended it right now, no more pain. And then I think I cannot. Because if you are still out there

I could not hurt you that way.

Perhaps you do not care

but I have to hold on to the hope that you might

That someone in the world cares for me.

Whether I live or die someone cares for me.