Yellowed

Poetry is self expression. This might not make sense to anybody else, but I am neurodivergent and in online school and struggling. Maybe someone else is too. So here’s where I’m at right now.

Will my problems be yellowed and old when I look back at this? Will life get easier?

My brain is a hamster wheel but a really big hamster wheel so the hamster runs twice as fast as it should have to and some days it doesn’t want to run at all

It’s worse when I feel like I’ve lost something

Like I used to be able to make things but I can’t anymore

It just feels so exhausting

And I lay down

And I switch restlessly between my music

The sun always comes up again

Too late for me to get up for yesterday’s work

I am so worried that people will judge me but I promise this is way harder than just buckling down and doing my homework

If it was that easy I would’ve done that by now

I need a change of pace.

I need a 5k instead of a marathon.

I need a tree with more limbs to climb on

It’s taken a village to get me here

The village is so far away

I have to run there to get help

My headphones on, blocking out the world,

Playing that song by Mountain Goats,

I am gonna make it through this year, if it kills me

I am gonna make it through this year, if it kills me

As I stall restlessly, the computer hums like a fly gone mad

Or a fly gone immortal in silicon and wires

When I fall through the cracks I pray there’s a foundation

Because I feel like a burden for making everyone around me build one for me

There will be feasting and dancing in Jerusalem next year...