It's only about this time I wonder
why I'm as lonely as I am.
Only when the rain falls
against the windowpane,
And my dog snores by my feet.
I wonder why I,
of all people,
Must be so woefully alone.
It's horseshit, I know-
I have:
Sarah
Lauren
Maggie
Mom
My dad
My stepmother
(depending on the weather)
Aunt Alicia
Uncle Clint
But that's... all?
No lover to hide,
Nor a friend who knows exactly what it's like
to be the way I am.
I wonder if I feel this way
because this body isn't even mine.
A hug, a kiss on the cheek, land on skin not yet my own.
I exist in the space between molecules
In a new house that hasn't been filled
And my loneliness is written into every facet of my day;
The only boy in the girls' locker room
-but not in the fun way-
The only Jew in world history
The "diversity" on the hockey bus
It seems to me,
That to stare in at laughter through the window
Is, in a sense, my cross to bear-
(To quote my Christian friends, that is.)
I'd quote my Jewish friends too, if I had any,
But it seems I'm condemned to pray alone as well.
Love, worship, run wild through the field.
Study, dance, push my heart through my bassoon.
How can I feel whole,
If I must do it all alone?
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