When Hulk Hogan tried to rap

Music is a key element in wrestling. It's part of the iconization of the legends and has been since the 80's and the Rock 'n Wrestling Connection by the WWF. A theme in itself can change the trajectory of a superstar and the public's perception of him. Music and wrestling go very well together. But what about when wrestlers make music?

We have examples of wrestlers doing well like John Cena and Chris Jericho on one side, and on the other we have Hulk Hogan. After retiring in 1993, Hogan was desperate to diversify his business to keep his income high.

After his career in Hollywood was a failure, Hogan returned to wrestling in 1994. But that didn't stop him from embarking on some bizarre projects on paper. In addition to his pasta-based restaurant (a story for another time), he also released a music album in 1995... damn that year.

During 30 minutes, Hulk Hogan, Jimmy Hart, J.J. Maguire, and Linda Hogan who form The Wrestling Boot Band, show us their vocal skills. The music style is described as pop, rock and rap according to Wikipedia. I'm basing this on Wikipedia because if someone were to ask me what kind of music Hogan is doing to us, I would say auditory vomit.

The Hogans well, clearly they are not musicians. Jimmy Hart and J.J. Maguire, that's another story. They collaborated together to make many cult themes. Which ones? Buah, Shawn Michaels', Bret and Owen Hart's, Dusty Rhodes, Big Boss Man, Honky Tonk Man, Jimmy Snuka, Ted DiBiase to name a few. Clearly there was potential in this album.

10 songs make up the album. The theme? "All hail Hogan! "... it's going to get heavy very fast I feel... Well let's start

1. Hulkster’s in the House

You may have heard this music in an episode of Malcolm in the Middle. It starts with an instrumental that sounds like the kind of music you'd hear on a fitness tape from the 80s and 90s. Ultra basic and generic. Then we have a chorus of 3 people singing ultra simplistic stuff before we have Hogan singing and... well his voice is fine for promos, but not for singing. I'd love to tell you about the lyrics but, not only is it a platitude, I have nothing interesting to say about it, but 90% of the music is the chorus which is : When the going gets tough, The tough get rough. Hey hey, ho ho, come on, let's go. We're on the first song and they're already out of inspiration... Oh my lord…

2. American Made

Oh look, Hulk Hogan's WCW theme, and therefore by default the most listened to music on this album. It's also one of my favorite music of the album... I didn't say it was good. It's okay. You take Real American, make a forgery of the instrumental, make the lyrics even more patriotic and much more repetitive and voila, you have American Made. I don't have a problem listening to the music again, but I don't have a big urge either.

3. Hulkster’s Back

Oh my God Hogan rapping... Actually lyrically, it would in the late 80's, borderline 1991, in the era of Run DMC, Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer, but here we are in 1995. Dear Mama, Shook Ones, Shimmy Shimmy Ya, Gangsta's Paradise... Hulkster's Back. The rhymes are too simple for the standards of the time, and you need a lot better than that if the theme of your song is "I'm awesome and this is why". It's a very common theme in rap music, but at least the best ones make an effort.

4. Wrestling Boot Traveling Band

... Are we in Hawaii now? That's the impression I get from the instrumental. Anyway, we have to change the tone, a song that is not the audio representation of Hogan who shows you his muscles, but rather a small musical ballad, with Jimmy Hart who tells the story of a group of vagabond musicians. The instrumental is okay, the lyrics do the job even if it's ultra simplistic, but it does tell the story of how hard it is to be on the road all the time, away from the people you care about. It works just as well for a musician as it does for a wrestler. It's the best song on the album for me.

One sentence in particular caught my attention: "She heard the band playing late yesterday and thought the bass player was cute". Okay, who is the bass player in this album?... Oh my, it's Hulk Hogan. Damn they still found a way to add compliments to Hogan.

5. Bad to the Bone

I've already heard this song somewhere... oh yes, Crank it Up in the WWF album "Piledriver". Yes the WWF has made albums with their wrestlers singing... 3 times. More on that another time. Anyway, another musical anachronism. This is standard and acceptable rock... in 1985, not 1995. I'm not saying that it's bad in this case though, personally it didn't bother me as a song, but still. In 95 you have Wonderwall, Lump, Fake Plastic Trees, Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me and you have this. It's not from his time at all, but it's able

6. I Want To Be A Hulkamaniac

I've heard this instrumental elsewhere... It's Owen Hart's theme! How did they get away with that without a trial? Anyway, this song is the heaviest and most difficult to listen to. The chorus is repeated over and over and seems to be sung by 3 adults trying to sound like children who have taken too much morphine. The chorus is that boring and supposed to be a contrast to be appreciated... Hogan rapping again with advice to improve your life. What advice? Be good, work hard, have fun with friends, study hard in school. Thanks Hulk

7. Beach Patrol

I also heard this instrument elsewhere... Oh no, you have to be joking... it's Tidal Tempest in Sonic CD! Damn but you only have 10 songs, was it too much to ask to make original instrumentals? And why Sonic of all things? Anyway, let's move on. The music is about Jimmy Hart and Hulk Hogan who are coast guards who like to party too... Not at the same time I hope. Ah and I learn in this music that Hogan listens to rap/rock on his Ghetto Blaster, but also heavy metal. Uh... I have a hard time imagining Hulk Hogan listening to 99 Ways to Die in public so loudly but hey.

8. Hulk’s The One

Linda Hogan has her own song where she tells us how Hogan is the perfect husband for her. Did you know that they later divorced and that Linda hates him very much now? Other than that, she sings better than Hogan yeah, but damn... I guess Hogan got tired of masturbating and asked his wife to do it for him. The further into the album I get, the harder it is for me to listen.

9. Hulkster in Heaven

Let's stop the jokes for a second. This song is a tribute to a child with cancer who was an English fan of Hogan and was supposed to go to one of his matches in 1991 at the London Arena (not Wembley as Hogan says), but when Hogan arrived for his match, the seat for the child was empty. He was informed after the match that the child had died just before. The proceeds from the album would go to his family. The song is not a pleasure to listen to, but I have to acknowledge Hogan's nice gesture here.

10. Hulk Rules

Let's end on a more energetic note. This music contains a saxophone solo. 5/5. Now seriously, this is another tune about how great Hogan is, in case you didn't realize it earlier. Thank God this is the last song on this album.

In conclusion, if you want to listen to Hogan tell you over and over again how he is the best human being since Jesus, this album is for you. Other than that, ignore this album. Hogan can't sing, rap or write lyrics.