Thoughts {pt. 4}

This is a vent post for my benefit. Feel free to read or move along idc.

Excuse the typos, I’m too lazy to make it look pretty or grammar

Parents

They’re fighting again. When do they ever stop tbh? It’s only gotten worse with the stupid quarantine.

I’m trying to stay offline as much as possible, but when i try, i get yelling and anger. I wanted to get better but no matter where I turn, there’s problems. I hate my father with every fiber of my being.

He couldn’t even let me have peace on my birthday. I don’t ask for much, really I don’t. I don’t ask for parties or expensive things or even appreciation. I just ask for my favorite foods so I can be happy. He had to argue with my mom in front of them. I didn’t ask for the small get together or gifts. Just wanted my food to be happy. I them asking what I wanted for my birthday gif. At the time I just laughed. They know I don’t want much. Now as i sit here crying, I know exactly what I should’ve asked for.

A day of peace.

That’s all I want. A day where my father can keep his mouth shut for once. A day where he can put his anger aside and treat my mom with respect for once. I don’t wanna hear yelling anymore. I don’t want to see tears in my mom’s eyes. I don’t want to answer my little sister’s questions about their disagreements. I don’t want to explain that her dear father is a verbally abusiv monster. I don’t want the idiot pulling my brothers into his tide of anger. I’m tired of him belittling us. Someone once said that no one owes me anything not even happiness. Maybe I’m selfish but fuck it I’m selfish and don’t give a fraction of a damn.

When he’s right about something, anything, he gets to constantly say so and make us feel lesser than him. When we’re in the right, he plays victim and accuses us of not respecting him enough. I have no tolerance for closed minded, entitled, overly stubborn ignorant people.

This is how controlling he is. He doesn’t let her drive. The house, car and my mom’s business are all under his name. He has 0 trust for my mom and would trust a stranger’s opinion over hers. This is quite sad as my mom is extremely smart and intuitive. He looks through her phone and blatantly lies about it while she’s watching him do it. He stood behind me at a distance and listened in on calls with my girlfriend at the time. He outed me by looking through my personal things. I would’ve been ok if he just asked, but he snooped just because he could.

I’ not crying anymore. Now I’m sleepy and utterly sleepy exhausted, drained.

Just want peace of mind. Freedom and freedoms