My gender? (help??) (please???)

Hey guys! Let me explain! I really need some advice right now, I am desperate and confused and I want to scream :sunglasses: please help please

So! here is my history of gender identity:

6th grade: genderfluid

7th grade: cis male

9th grade: agender

9th again: genderflux/cis guy ish

10th grade:   :frowning:

Here's an old "pronouns check" vs one i recently made as well

old

...

New pronouns check

as you can see a good amount has changed

I never ever ever ever ever ever thought I'd ever identify as trans. I don't feel comfortable with being biologically a girl either.

so what am I so confused about you may ask?

Ahem:

recently I had a mettaton themed aesthetic. and I've been looking more and more into fan art of him and becoming more and more interested in him and wishing I was like him. I'll provide some art of him below

(P.s. None of the art is mine, I found them all on Pinterest and I have loads more. it's practically my whole camera roll.)

which is funny because I know even though he's a robot he uses he him pronouns but still presents himself very feminine lolz

in addition, I have a friend and her name is a name. so name has this long black hair and it's really flowy and whenever I see her part it or fix it or run her fingers to her hair and I always get mega jealous and wish I had hair like that.

now obviously of course I could just be a cis guy who enjoys more feminine things which is totally fine and valid. except now I'm thinking of starting to use she her pronouns? and the thing is, even if I wanted to use she her pronouns nobody would ever use them for me. here's a picture of my face just so you can know how feminine I actually seem irl.

(even with makeup)

...

so it's obvious I at least look pretty masculine right? even though sometimes I just want to throw on a skirt and I used to put blush in my face and stuff like that and make myself look a little cuter but I don't do that anymore since my makeup was basically taken away since you know, I'm a guy and "guys don't wear makeup". which is obviously wrong.

if I ever wanted to use she her pronouns I would have to do it on Amino and never in real life. it's just I'm certainly becoming fascinated with all this feminine stuff, it feels kind of sudden but not really I can explain it like the realization is sudden but all of the previous experiences are not sudden.

also I used to identify as non-binary because I definitely wasn't a boy because I was mega uncomfortable with being called a boy and masculine stereotypes. I always being told that I would want a beard when I grow up even though I definitely don't and I have ripped out hairs out of my face because I really hate fucking hate with all my life the hairs I've had on my face before. I was told I would want to build muscle but I really hate that idea. and I hated being called handsome, I hated being associated with many masculine things. and again, I did not want to be a girl but I often said that I wished I was a girl because I felt like it was easier for me. but the problem is I've never felt comfortable because I've imagined myself being a biological girl or AFAB, but I thought that I would be really uncomfortable with my body. and I'm honestly glad I was born a guy. so, maybe i was nonbinary!!

but when I started using they them pronouns I was still very uncomfortable with them. and I was actually more comfortable with he/him pronouns. I was even uncomfortable with being considered nonbinary. I absolutely loathed when my friends addressed me with they/ them pronouns and I told myself that it was just me not being used to it, but after a while I just realized that they're not for me.

before my mom gave birth to me, she had a dream that she had a girl. and my mom is kind of psychic and I won't explain that if you don't understand it. but when she had a boy she was confused because she thought she was going to have a girl. so out pops me, obviously not being cis but maybe not being trans? not even nonbinary? maybe agender? even though I do feel like I definitely have a gender, it's just messed up?

ultimately, I'm very confused!

if anybody has any advice, any thoughts on what I said right now, literally anything they can say to me to help me feel a little bit less confused about me and my life and what's going on with my gender I would greatly appreciate it. like a lot. so yeah! that's it have a nice day