My first crush

This is the story of my first crush, the one that made me realise I was not straight :sparkles:

When I first started to crush on her

I was 12, and she was 11 at that time, but it felt like we were the same age.

We where 5 people in our friend group, and we hang out a lot. All our families was part of a Christian community, and that’s how we all meet each other. I want to point out that this Christian community are strictly against LGBTQ+, so none of us ever talked about it. I was actually scared of it. Which sucked, because this led me to denying my feelings and forcing my self in a direction I did not belong.

When our friend group hung out, she was the one I liked to hang around the most. When we were playing games I always tried to get on the same team as her, and she tried to get on the same team as me.

We also hung out a lot only the two of us. She lived only 7 houses away, so we could walk to each other whenever we wanted. We watched movies together, TV-shows, and obsessed over fandoms. We played around in the woods and pretend like we lived there and had to survive in the wild and avoid other human beings.

We both had a wild imagination, and made up magic characters and creatures. I loved being around her, and it was all I wanted, to be around her all the time.

I did not understand my feelings then, as I had been told all my life that homosexuality was wrong. Sometimes, when we were sitting next to each other, talking, or watching a movie, my mind always started fantasizing kissing. I tried to push the thought of it away as this scared me, but I kept on fantasizing. I was ashamed of myself picturing us that way. And I got more frustrated because I had to it that I liked it.

This happend a lot.

Sometimes it was just holding hands, hugging, sitting close, and I convinced myself that that was fine and just a friendly things, nothing more. But other things I fantasized about was obviously more than just ‘friendly’, and I could not push that away. I started to constantly tell myself «just friends, just friends, just friends» to try to make me not like her that way, and I tried to keep some distance to tone down my feelings.

One day, we were sitting alone in the woods, and we started to talk about LGBTQ+. I did not know what to say about it, because my family was so strongly against it, I did not dare to have an opinion.

I knew her parents were even more against it, and more strict than mine was, so I was in shock when she said «I really don’t se why it’s a bad thing. People feel what they feel and it’s nothing wrong with that. Why can’t people just be themselves?». I did not know what to say, but I agreed with her in every way. After some minutes I dared to let my self lose a little and started to talk about it to, that I din’t se why it was wrong with it either.

After this she started to speak up every time someone said anything homophobic. I did not dare to do that, but I ire her courage.

Then I started to wonder if she was queer

My gaydar was kind of strongly telling me she was not straight. But I never dared to ask, because if I did, I knew I would somehow out my self.

She made queer jokes, but I couldn’t tell if she was just being funny in a confusing way, or if there was some truth in it. For example one time, we were at the mall. She was looking for glasses, just for fun. She tried on a lot of different ones, and honestly I couldn’t stop staring at her because she looked so cute, and she suits glasses more than she realizes. At a point she suddenly stops and stares at herself in the mirror. And then she turns around to me and says «you can see that these glasses are not sitting straight, right?» the glasses were kind of tilted more to one side. She continues with «Well, I’ve noticed that no glasses I try on are straight, and I realized, maybe it’s not the glasses that aren’t straight, maybe I’m the one thats not straight?» and there was some seconds of silence, and then we both started laughing. But as we laughed I was hoping that she would say something more, tell me that she wasn’t really joking, telling me it was true. But she did not say anything more.

She made a lot more jokes, but she usually whispered them to herself. She came with small comments like «coming out of the closet» and «when you realise you’re queer» in situation when we watched movies or TV-shows and it fitted in what was going on, and made kind of a meme of it.

I one time we were making bracelets, she suddenly said «I kind of want to make a bracelet in the colors of the pride flag. I want to make a rainbow one». My head then went like «oh my god, please just tell me you are gay, please like girls, please com out». But I did not say anything...

Whenever people talked about relationships she was always silent, and when anyone asked her if there was a boy she liked she always looked stupid at them and said «no». She said that her reasons for not wanting to be with a boy was because she did not se the point of it.

All this made me question if she might be into girls, and maybe if she likes me? The possibility of this made me scared and excited at the same time, and then I lost some of my self control around her..

My feelings grew stronger

I were now 13, and she was 12. My heart beat faster and harder every time she was close. I did everything to be close to her, and I wanted to be around as much as possible. And when we were sitting close to each other, I struggled to not suddenly throw myself over her and kiss her.

I did not accept my self. I told myself that I was not allowed to be anything else than straight. So I started ignoring her.. I started kissing boys and had a lot of non-serious relationships with boys. I made up fake crushes so other people to would think I was straight, and with this I also tried to convince myself that I was attracted to boys. It felt so wrong, and I made my self extremely uncomfortable, but in my head I thought I had no other choice.

After a year I finally stopped forcing myself to be with boys, and I started talking to her again. She was kind of mad at me, but we became friends really fast.

Things were back to normal again.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

• I accepted the fact that I like girls first when I turned 16.

•We are still friends, but I try to not get to close as I do not want to lose her or scare her away.

• She have still not said anything about what gender she is attracted to. Neither boys or girls. All she has said is that she can imagine her self marry someone on day.

• I never told her about my crush on her. I never told her I like girls, but I hope one day I will open up to her.