I don't know why

WARNING

Contains mentions of self-harm, thoughts about committing suicide and perhaps depression

I don't know why you all even bother to care about me at this point, tbh

I ruin everything

I broke the only promise I made to myself: to not self-harm

I just feel so empty, like nothing ever matters anymore

One of my favourite food, pan-fried salmon with spinach now makes me sick

Everything seems so dull and blurred

On the outside, I would be smiling and laughing like any other person out there

But inside, I am dead

I've been a hypocrite

I told you to stay strong, I didn't

I told you to stay safe, I want to throw myself in front of a bus or drink some sleeping pills

I told you to just be you, I start to obsessively care about ing, constantly worrying about what other people thought of me

I told you to stay positive, I think of the most negative things about myself and believe in them

I told you to love yourself, while I make me sick

Gender dysphoria sucks

I constantly feel disgusted with my chest

And how they are not me

I don't

I don't have any masculine clothing

My voice isn't deep enough

Every time that I look at my body, I want to die

Binding doesn't work, the backwards camisole doesn't make my chest any flatter

I spent my money on stupid stuff

I should have bought a binder with the money, god damn it

I haven't been going to work this past month

My mental health is deteriorating and I don't know where to turn

I couldn't go to work when I'm feeling this bad

No way

My parents checks on my banking , monitoring everything that I do

I feel suffocated, like there's no way I could escape

In my past poems, I frequently mentioned running away from home

In truth, I just wanted to die

They think that it's a phase, I'm just doing this for attention

Why would I fake it so I would feel so hated upon?

Like no one understands me but myself

And my thoughts that destroys my self-esteem

Making me hate myself

I don't know how to stop this from happening

I don't

The harder I struggle to stay afloat and reach towards the shore

The harder I fall

The deeper I drown

Please, I will do anything to make the voices stop

Please

I don't know if things can get better

I've been naive this entire time, believing that hope solves all problems

It doesn't

It truly doesn't

I don't know how long I can continue like this

Not dead, but not living either

I've become an emotionless soul

Drifting her way through life

Always "her"

I'll never be "they"

Forever doomed to live my life as a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother

Top surgery costs so much

Idk if I'll ever be able to afford it

Or if my family would ever understand

Why can't they understand?

Why can't they feel happy for me?

That I've finally found myself

But in their eyes, I'll always be a failure, a freak

Underserving of love

I guess I'll always be that, no matter what I do.