anxiety - it’s okay (trigger warning)

this post is to show a small part of my mind and learn how to accept it.

“I wanna be soft. I wanna say things that matter. I wanna know what it’s like to wake up and be so in love; with myself. I wanna be warm and inviting and kind. I wanna see my friends grow like wildflowers in a field around me. I wanna help them grow. I wanna be a sun; nourishing and plentiful. I wanna hold them when they’re sad, and celebrate with them when they’re happy. I wanna contribute in some way to something that’s important. I wanna be a person that someone thinks of when they’re reminded by something that made their day.

Something that mattered. Something soft.

What if they are no friends? What if your mind tells you everyone actually hates you and just pretends to like you? What if they don’t actually want to talk to me? You distance yourself from them because you don’t want to bother them. You don’t want to constantly feel unlovable.

... that’s when you start wondering why you have no friends.. because you build up that distance just because your mind is telling you you are unlovable.”

“I lied and said I was busy. I was busy; but not in a way most people understand.

I was busy taking deeper breaths.

I was busy silencing irrational thoughts.

I was busy calming a racing heart.

I was busy telling myself I am okay.”

If there ever is a moment you think i’m weird or awkward trust me, that’s not the real me. I hardly show the real me to other people. Only maybe to 2 or 3 people. So don’t judge me by my behavior. I know it’s hard but the thoughts in my mind are harder. I’m trying my best to act like a normal person but there will always be situations where I suddenly shut down and become very quiet.

Don’t tell me if i’m behaving weird or make fun of me. It makes everything worse. It will lead to me completely shutting down. That’s when I usually get too scared to ever talk to that person again.

I’m trying to be normal, trust me.

It’s more than all of this but I don’t feel comfortable talking about all my thoughts yet.

Just believe me:

I am more than this.

#TriggerWarning