all i want is nothing. | Poem

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TW: Anorexia Nervosa

been struggling with nearly relapsing in my eating disorder so here's this

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i don't know when it started

but it came on suddenly

i became obsessed

with numbers and food and bones,

writing everything down,

exercising until i couldn't see straight

i starved until my hair fell out,

until my skin was pulled thin,

until my boned ached

i had never hated myself more.

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i try not to think about it now,

shove the food down my throat,

swallow despite the nausea,

not count the calories

i wear shorts too,

i force myself to look in the mirror,

bite back the disgust and smile

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but still,

i miss the comments,

the one's from my sister,

saying i look like i haven't eaten in days

i miss the concern in their eyes,

their voices gently pushing me to eat

until i lash out with unrighteous anger

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i still weigh myself sometimes,

see the scale mock me with 132

shown in black, bold lettering

it's not about being pretty,

not anymore, at least.

deep down i know,

i 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 i'm not bad looking,

i know people are attracted to me

but it's never enough,

no amount of compliments

or propositions

can fill the aching void in my chest

the need for something more,

something i'm not even 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘰𝘧

never really fades,

no matter how much i push it down

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"it's a control thing," i say,

it's a lie.

but i've always been a liar,

a good one, too

the secret is to stop feeling bad,

to operate with soulless apathy

the notebook under my dresser,

it calls to me sometimes,

begs me to pick it up,

to fill it with numbers again

i just lay back and cry.

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