Warning! This post will contain topics of self hate, depression, and other triggering content! If you are upset by these things please do not read!
A bit of backstory as to why I'm writing this. I wasn't sure how to explain my own personal thoughts and feelings so.. I decided to write this as a sort of vent. I've been dealing with these thoughts and such for the last few days, and my lovely bf(hi baby <3) convinced me that I should be open when I am not 100% soooo here we go. ^^`
Edit: Ahhh thank you so much for a feature! >\\<
Characters Involved in this:
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Do you wish to play Audio file NGC: 213 DL 88-Bf?
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playing audio file NGC: 213 DL 88-Bf
ılı.lıllılı.ıllı.ılı.lıllılı.ıllı.
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(A clicking noise is heard as the tape begins recording)
???: (A higher male's voice is heard sighing tiredly) "Dear diary.. the thoughts have been coming back again. I've been bottling up all my emotions for so long, I don't know if I even have the guts to speak about what is going through my mind.. let alone with.. Kris.." (Sniffling is heard before the male's voice seems to waver)
???: "I-I.. I don't know what to do anymore. Everyone seems to be so happy around me.. but I feel something is off. I'm trying to be strong for the people in my life who love me.. but I'm so tired. I'm so scared that if I say the wrong thing or I-I.." (A slight, soft gulp is heard before the voice resumes) "Or if I tell someone about it.. they'll think I'm just trying to be a drama queen and hate me.."
(The voice sighs heavily and he can be heard sniffling once more. There's a soft thump, as he lets his head fall back a bit and it bumps the wall)
"I'm so tired from these thoughts that keep running through my mind. I've been overwhelmed with the thought of just.. how much I don't like who I am. I bloody hate myself.." (He emphasizes the word hate)
"I've been trying to deny it, or just ignore it, but.. when the silence comes.. I hate myself. My stupid face.. my pudgy cheeks.. my ugly body.. my personality. Everything. I can't stand it. I want to be perfect for Kris.. but I'm just a screw up."
(A knock is heard, and a muffled male's voice is heard) ???: "David love, are you in the bathroom?"
(The voice belonging to David speaks up in a fake happy voice)
D: "Course Kris, love. I'll be there in just a minute. Save some cuddles for me mkay?"
(The male's voice from behind the door, assumably Kris, speaks again with a chuckle)
K: "Of course sweetie. Come back to bed when you're done using the john."
(Footsteps are heard walking back to the bedroom beyond the door and then very soft snoring is heard from the other room minutes after)
D: "No.. I can't let him know.. gah!"
(A soft smack is heard as David facepalms)
D: "Why do I even try to be something I'm not. Something I'll never be. What's the point anymore.. I just want to be someone else for once.."
D: "I just.. I can't help but hate myself.. everytime I look in the mirror.. everytime I'm alone.. I can't stand being me.. I feel like I'm such a screw up. I don't feel like me anymore.. I feel like this bloody mess. But somehow I find that better than being the piece of.." (David sighs) "I've just.. given up on myself. Why am I never enough for people.. why am I not good enough. Why do I feel this way, and why do I feel like I don't deserve the life I'm living."
D: "I don't see people like I should anymore.. I don't see Kris or Ted like I should.. all I can see are just judging eyes staring scornfully back at me. How can I love someone else if I can't even love myself. If this is it, then what's the point in hoping. What's the point of trying to be happy anymore.." (Soft sobbing is heard)
"I'm such a failure of a bf for Kris.."
(A loud bang is heard as the door slams open, before a soft thud and a squeak)
D: "K-Kris?" (David's voice said confused, before he shut off the tape recorder)
-Cut to the short story section-
Kristoffer in fact, hadn't left the other side of the door. He wanted to make sure David thought he'd gone back to sleep so he'd continue talking. Kris knew better than anyone, if he came in at the wrong moment, David would shut him out.
Kristoffer was brought to tears by the words he heard leaving his beloved's mouth. He used all of his will to not slam the door open just yet, but when he heard that David felt he was a failure, he kicked the door open and ran to David, falling on his knees and pulling David in.
David squeaked, ending the recording. "K-Kris?" He said, confused. David's eyes widened in shock at the sight of Kristoffer crying. "Kris.. I.." David could feel his heart breaking even more at the tears in his lovers eyes. Kris kissed him ionately, holding David there for a moment. His own heart in aching pain at the look of sadness in David's eyes. He pulled away, but kept their faces close together. "Do not ever say you are a failure to me, David. You have never and could never be one." David whimpered, feeling more tears pricking at his red eyes. "I-I.." Kris hushed him. "Don't make excuses. You know we don't lie to each other." David just nodded silently. "I heard everything, David." David gulped in anxiety. Kris sighed and held him close. "I can't fix you.. but I will be damned if I let you go on thinking you're useless."
Kris gently rubbed David's back. "I will stay here with you tonight and lecture you in the morning. Do you need anything?" David whimpered. "I need you.." Kris nodded and lifted the young boy in his arms, as David clung on tightly to the male. David was shaking and cold, so Kris wrapped them both in covers and kissed him softly. "Please.. rest for now. I love you, okay?" David nodded and Kris called Ted over, as the dog laid over David's lap. David petted Ted for comfort, still holding on to Kris. "It's okay now David.. I am here.." Soon the two of them fell asleep, still in that same position.
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