More 2am Rambling

I’ve always wondered what people’s true intentions were when I mentioned something personal and they’d say “you can always talk to me.” Do they really mean that? Are they just saying it to be kind? No... I truly believe most of the people who say that are genuine. But then why is it that when I say the same thing, no one believes it. I wonder if maybe I’m just not as close to those people as I thought I was.

Or maybe it’s just easier for people to listen than to expose themselves. To help others before helping themselves. I want to believe that’s the case, but my mind debates otherwise. That I’m lonelier than I thought I was. That the people who I thought I could share my deepest feelings can’t do the same to me. I the times I had those people in my grasp.

There was my elementary school best friend who I saw fading away from my memory as we started high school because neither of us left time for each other... Oh wait, there was my high school senior best friend who I could share all my insecurities too, but one ridiculous fight stopped our friendship not too long after graduation. Even the people who I’ve stayed with since middle school don’t seem to know me well. But all of this is my fault. Because I didn’t make the effort.

So how can I blame others for not opening up to me, for not being close to me, when I can’t seem to find the energy in myself to make these relationships work? I wonder what the reason for this is. Well I better stop my rambling there. Even if I keep going, I’m not going to find the answer. I have a feeling it’s something I won’t ever discover. At least not by myself.