★ʜᴇɪᴍs ᴍᴇᴍᴏʀɪᴀ★

Hi AA! I guess I am back with another blog. Its sort of my second entryy. Warning its prolly gonna be hella edgy and rusty since Im writing in first person is not really my thing XD

Heims :: winter

Memoria :: Memory

#HaveliSecrets

Opl credits :two_hearts:

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Chapter:  _

winter;

Satou Mafuyu

Clouds cover the sky only to block the ray of sunshine from meeting the earth. Though that will not halt the sun from its rise. One lives to live, live to love, love to cherish and cherish to . Memories stained in the history of the soul like the blood stains of the war. None was meaningless nor was it necessary, it was what it was because it was meant to be. Each day his soft eyes would look up in the sky to find the sky being deprived of sun- again, again, again, again and… Again. An infinite loop of winter. A winter that brought nothing but frost to his heart. It ached; ached to the point of breaking and never coming back in its place. A seemingly endless blizzard of sorrow, confusion and painful emptiness and he was drawned in it for the love he lost. Yet, like the sun rose each day indifferent of the season, the warmth of summer engrossed his heart to fade away the endless frost. Though the frost was fading, the ache in his heart may never fade. It may even be a part of him, reminding him of the footsteps he once walked in, the firsts he had with, the sounds he sheltered in his heart only for that one to hear. That painfully numbing winter was once his comfort, taken away by the uncalled misfortune- only leaving numbness in its way for Mafuyu to absorb, flooding his soul-senses with nothing but thoughts and blame.

"I did it."

"I killed him."

"Its my fault"

"I can never forgive myself."

"Maybe I- I… i should too.."

"It's cold."

Like a day never repeats, like the time keeps on its flow going, like the water only falls downward- Satou Mafuyu too, moved forward. Abandoning nothing but accepting everything and learning to smile even during a blizzard, even during the rain he wept in.  As the sun sinks in the sea, let him once again have the opportunity to say his confession in the guise of a goodbye and express the hidden pain and grief

❝Your everything has lost its tomorrow

And now is wandering around eternally

Along with me

Who was unable to say goodbye or move on.❞

⚘

;;

"Are you smiling like you used to? Are you still holding my hand like you used to?

Do you still love me like you used to?

Will you say yes like you used to?

This is my final goodbye to you, so hear me as I confess my most ugliest thoughts and emotions to you, accept this heavy burden as I finally ask you to let go of my hand.

You were my everything and your tomorrow was taken away from you. I was at fault. I was childish to even ask you to prove your love. In the distant past I can still recall the first gaze I laid on the azul winter ocean, it called out to me to embrace its beauty. To me, it was a vivid image of nature, nothing more and nothing less. What made it beautiful was that it was near you. You stood there, took my hand in yours and made that painfully cold winter to be my sooth in sour, you made winter to be my excuse to be closer to you, your fearless grin made the waves of the ocean to be my view of a natural smile.

You made it beautiful.

You held my hand in the times when nobody would subside their sorrow to be a shoulder to cry on. You made me smile. Grateful is a word that is not nearly enough to express how much gratitude I had for you. Gratitude, love, adoration, care and what not but even after all that-..

I can't forgive you.

There were so many things I wanted to thank you for, there were so many things I wanted to say sorry for, there were so many things I wanted to do together with you… there were so many more memories I wanted to make with you, Yuki. But you left me. All alone in a world where I wanted nothing but you. Wherever I went I saw the foot prints you've left behind, everywhere I went I would get the whiff of your scent as if the air around me were your arms, embracing my very being in an instant. My breath would hitch as if the cry I had been holding onto would come out in an unstoppable ugly sob. I wanted to hug the very air that were you but just like air would, you slip away from my grasps just like that; I couldn't see you, I couldn't speak to you, I couldn't ever reach you. How can I forgive you for leaving me? I can't!

I can't forgive myself…

You left and I couldn't even follow you. Like a coward I always just hid away. I didn't speak, I didn't scream and I didn't let my emotions free. I suffered in guilt of a non-existent mistake I made. I was willing to trade my desire of music for you, only if I knew. Your memories were such unforgettable image that had me in a trance of endless emptiness. I don't know what I am feeling. I don't know how to react to this feelings. I never knew, you were always here to lead me. You were someone I belonged to, you were someone I called home. I missed you all this time, I still miss you and I will keep on missing you until the day I draw my last breath but-

Both you and me must part ways. You left the winter to be a blizzard for me as if you wanted to punish me in your own silly way for hurting your feelings. For disrespecting your feelings of loyalty and kindness. You might not have wanted to but your memories punished me until I broke to pieces. But I found my summer to smile under the sun again. He showed me the way to a new door of love. Though you won't be here to make the winter comfortable anymore, you will always be here in my heart to warm it with love. I found no replacement for you, what I found was someone just as precious. His ion drove me to acknowledge my own desires, his efforts were put together with me. He may have a warm embrace like you did but he wouldn't just comfort me, he would push me to own up to my own feelings, desires and responsiblities instead of just protecting me like a shield. Though he is not my first love or any of the firsts I had with you, his marks are carved on my soul like a guardian angel's symbol would. It is time to close the door to my every firsts with you. It is time I let go of your hand. It is time I say good bye to my love for you.

This is my farewell to my first love

And the confession of how much I stayed strong for you and how I moved on from our incomplete love. I always loved you and I will always keep in my heart but I want to belong to someone else. Someone who became my path to happiness.

To my everything who's tomorrow was lost forever.

Take care."

Sato Mafuyu.

"A winter story that ended in summer."

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Chapter:_

memories;

Ugetsu Murata

Like the pieces of broken glass would stick together but would never form anything but disfigured structures, broken hearts would come together but never mend each other. Hurt brought on by selfish desires and desires abandoned by selfish love would cause nothing but the soul to be torn. Like walking on a path filled with thorns but still smiling through the pain is a love one would call toxic. A love so strong and violent that it would intoxicate you until one would tear the other apart. The urge to be the one to crush the other would always be immense. Talent, competition, love, jealousy, neediness and sacrifice, a love consisting of all this and not falling apart in fear of loneliness. Ugetsu and Kaji formed their love on the desert sand, the base would slip away with just a simple misstep. A love that was looked at from a different view from both sides. Kaji was neglected but found comfort in the form of his new love but Ugetsu was alone. In a room which had nothing but his silent cries and suffocating loneliness.

"I love Kaji."

"I love him so much."

"I want to hold him, be with him."

"But.."

"I love music more than anything."

Had he gotten the chance to speak, he would have confessed all his deeds. The things he desperately wanted to scream.

;;

"Violin was- no. It is my ion. Brushing on its strings, with every stroke of my bow a sound would come out, expressing something I have never been able to.

Kaji, I loved you. I still fucking love you and I can't help this intense emotion I feel each time Im around you. It urges me to go near you, touch you and accept you in my arms.  But I won't. We were born enemies, our talents tangle our paths for the other. I wanted to carry on being with you but I knew the love we both have for music would never fade away and one day devour our own love for each other with things like envy, jealousy, resentment and even regret. I tried. I tried really hard to not be tangled in such self suffocating actions and decided to remove you from my life but- you won't listen! You left everything and clinged to me! How could you- anyone expect me to let go of your hand when you had no one but me?

How can I let go of you when you hide me in your arms like that? Why did I keep on holding onto you when you torned my heart into so many pieces? Why was I always on the broken edge of a ship? You left to your friends whenever I hurt you to finally let go of my hand and got comforted but what about me? I was always left behind in a house made of sound proof walls where no one would listen to my cry for help! I was left to be suffocated! One day you just walked in and said you'll abandon this hell hole when you were the one who created it with me. You told me you were tired, you wanted to leave and that you wanted- no you were most definitely going to stop.

What about what I wanted? Why did I not have anyone to help me?

Why

Why

Why

Why

Why?!

Just why?

Now I will tell you exactly how I felt, let me confess every damn thing you made me go through but I had to hide it for the sake of being strong, just so you can have a fresh start. How I felt suffocated each and every minute you spoke to me, every cup of coffee you made for me was like poison- which I drank happily for you. Everytime I would try to move on from this hell hole to forget you, you would grab my wrist and pull me down! You would cry, growl, scream and the most hurtful, you would still love me and beg me to stay… just why should I even listen to you begging like a child?! How unfair! I resent you! You wouldn't let go of my hand or let me form a new life but you still went on with your life and discovered a new love, new friends and welcomed your ion again.

Do you know how I felt?

I hated you.

I hated you so much I wanted to slap you, scream at you and kick you out of my life forever and ever, I wanted you to just go away from my face and never turn back but you did exactly what I wanted.. Even when I didn't ask you to. I didn't get to hit you, scream at you, curse you for wasting my time, hate you for breaking my heart. I could've done all that even then, I wanted to! But I couldn't because-

I still love you.

I wanted to run after you, cry my heart out and tell you how much I love you, I wanted to grab your hand and ask you to choose me again, again, again, again and again! Always! But I had to hold myself back, even though my heart was breaking with every ing heartbeat, it throbbed to have you back but I didn't try. I had to let go of you for the happiness of both of us. Why am I always thinking about you? Why? It's so unfair.

So I hope you listen carefully now, I may still be in love with you but who cares? I am going to live for myself and myself alone, I am going to keep on filling that suffocating house with sounds of music to fade your memories from it. Though I cherish you, I will make sure to forget you.

I hope to achieve the happiness we couldn't together."

Ugetsu Murata.

"An intoxicating love that teared hearts into pieces."

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Though the words that always hid in the deepest depth of their hearts were out, it was merely the feelings that they should have expressed to the other long ago. Given the opportunity, this was the confession they had been holding onto since forever. Though the feelings they expressed caused nothing but tears to flow down their cheeks, it was something that was needed to be said. In reality, it was a confession from the soul to the heart, telling it that it won't hold back anymore. A confession to one's own self, a rejection to one's old love to love one's own self. Amidst the harsh truth, it was a cry asking to be forgiven for the bad memories they had made and been through. One day, today or tomorrow- someday they would know that they're-

For g i v e n.

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Thats it for this challenge entry guys. I hope you liked the way I approached an incomplete love. A confession that isn't about expressing love but about expressing the will to leave it and move on. A confession about the ugly emotions they felt when they were together instead of the feeling of love and happiness. On a more realistic note, life isn't all candies and rainbows, with time people fall in and fall out of love, they feel things they don't know about, confusion and agitation, negligence of one's own suffering to not hurt the other, negligence of others feelings to save your own self. Several other things. I am glad I was able to write this blog.

Rising out!