being cis; experiencing gender | advice guide

Warning : q/eer uncensored below + VERY long post

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☆ﾐ are you cis, confused or questioning ? are you having a hard time understanding your experience ? is your gender expression blurring the border with your gender, your sexuality ?

➵ If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are reading the right post. Below will be given analyzed advice about expression, self acceptance, understanding gender non-conforming experiences and more. This is intended primarily for LGB and/or GNC cis people but no matter your sexuality or identity, this may help you.

✿ Welcome to this advice guide ✿

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⎈ summary

❥ being cis ≠ being confident

❥ gender expression and gender non-conformity : be yourself

❥ society's expectations and trans identities : where is the line ?

❥ same sex/gender attraction and normality; a particular case

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❜ ─ being cis ≠ being confident ─ ❛

« if you were cis, you wouldn't search that up »

« cis people don't ask themselves these questions »

How many times have you heard these statements ? In my case, I lost count. They are meant to confort trans people, which is a nice idea. However, they reflect perfectly this common misconception in trans/questioning spaces; if you're cis, you know it.

False.

This may be the case for some cis individuals but not all of them. Being cis does not exempt you from gender related struggles. Being cis does not erase self doubt. Being cis does not equal being confident.

Lack of dysphoria does not equal lack of insecurities.

To be able to find and accept yourself, you have to work on it. It doesn't happen overnight and isn't a gift given to certain identities. There are many cases of cis people who thought they were trans, just like many trans people thought for some time that they were cis. Gender is a complicated topic because it is heavily linked to many subjects; gender expression, physical characteristics, gender norms and so on. Being confused and cis is not mutually exclusive.

☆゜・。。・゜゜・。。・゜★

Here is a little list of cases you may have experienced/may be experiencing that are completely normal, no matter your identity, with advice :

▼feeling lost between labels

╰─ it is a part of your self discovery journey. it is most likely only temporary, so give yourself time, do not overthink. you will find your label too, don't feel pressured to find it now.

△having a hard time understanding your experience

╰─ talk to others, share your point of view. you're most likely not alone in this complex state, you would be surprised if you knew how many people are in the same position. Experiences may be unique but they are similar.

▼feeling outside of the norm

╰─ a norm is defined by the majority. Gender wise, this majority is cis, straight and gender conforming. If you aren't all three, your experience is, by definition, abnormal, which may result in such an outcast feeling. If you are seeking advice, I encourage you to read further, as I will give more specific tips for each case.

↬↬↬ which brings me to my next point... ↫↫↫

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❜ ─ gender expression and gender non-conformity : be yourself ─ ❛

Gender expression can be achieved through clothes, behavior, accessories, even pronouns in some cases. It is usually be a way to communicate your gender to others but it doesn't have to. It should be a reflexion of your inner self, without external influence.

It can be hard to stop following society's indications, as they are everywhere. Let's take clothes for example, it doesn't stop at « dresses are for women ». We have separated categories for anything. You can find the same shirt in both spaces with only a few changes or have pants labelled 'for women' solely because they lack pockets.

This distinction is enforced by people themselves; how many times did I got weird looks while shopping in the "women" section ? And this isn't exclusive to clothes of course, it can happen to anybody, no matter the context, just because you're not fully conforming to the gender expression norm. This can be suffocating and actually stop individuals from being themselves.

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There is an interesting experience of mine I would like to point out. I sometimes wear high heels, heavier makeup or even just clothes clearly made for women, in public. Very few people actually talk to me, they rather stare but from this small sample of discussion, I always get asked the same question; « Are you gay or trying to be a woman ? ». Keep in mind that this isn't a fully reliable example and that I live in a fairly LGBT accepting country. Nonetheless, I always get more positive reactions if I say I am gay, more mixed reactions if I say I'm a trans woman (I'm not, it was out of curiosity) and only negative reactions if I say I'm straight (again, I'm not, out of curiosity only).

This shows that even within abnormal experiences, stereotypes are still more accepted. Gay men are often stereotyped as gender non-conforming, which makes it more acceptable while straight men aren't at all, which makes a gender non-conforming straight man standing out more. He would be an easy and common target.

Here are some tips you can use to ignore others' opinions on your presentation :

☮ Keep in mind that people can stare at you for multiple reasons, including iration. From there, tell yourself every weird look you might get is just iration.

☮ Remind yourself that while you are fighting annoying stereotypes and have to endure awkward discussions or explanations, there is an insecure person in the background that will find it inspirational and start wearing what they truly want.

☮ Don't forget that just a century ago, stereotypes were reality. Now, they're just plain theory. In the future, they maybe won't exist anymore. Do not give up, because your existence itself is a part of the journey to a non stereotypical world.

☮ What you shouldn't do, on the other hand, is to force yourself to be someone you're not. And strangely enough, that's a quite common mistake, that I detailed below...

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❜ ─ society's expectations and trans identities : where is the line ? ─ ❛

As mentioned before, gender non-conforming people step out of the norm to be themselves. However, they do not have to step out of the binary or their gender.

You can be gender non-conforming and cis.

Society and its norms can be suffocating and even tho, escaping it with non-binary/trans identities sounds like a nice idea, it isn't. Being a feminine man, a masculine woman, androgynous, having a fluctuating gender expression does not mean you have to reject your gender. It is actually quite toxic.

Trans people are, again by definition, abnormal and can share this misfit feeling. However, fighting to include gender non-conforming people in their own spaces is better. Gender isn't a restricting box, gender roles are. It isn't gender that should be reformed but gender expectations.

The freedom of expression you are seeking does not reside in trans spaces more than cis spaces. Trans people are not immune to gender roles, quite the contrary.

Let's also not ignore cis people being misleaded by norms. Even here, a lot of people still think that being a certain gender comes with a certain behavior, that not conforming to it means you are another gender. Let me remind you that :

✯ Being comfortable with multiple pronouns is an experience shared by cis and trans individuals, women, men and enbies. It doesn't make you anything more than 'comfortable with any pronouns'.

✯ Anyone can wear anything. Liking dresses doesn't necessarily mean you're a woman, for example. This is why gender expression is so diverse.

✯ Men do not have to like cars, women do not have to like shopping, and so on for every stereotype you could think of. Liking or disliking something indicates nothing but your personal taste.

✯ Being insecure about a specific body part and/or wanting the opposite sex's characteristic is not necessarily dysphoria. It is important to dig further than that to erase the discomfort, if possible.

☆゜・。。・゜゜・。。・゜★

Your perception of gender can be influenced by a lot of different experiences; dysphoria, insecurities, education, trauma, beliefs... It is still important to that the norm is not a good influence. You may conform to it, because you are like that but you shouldn't force yourself to do so.

Are you struggling to break those roles, even tho you want to ? Try :

• Spending time with friends of the opposite gender, doing stereotypical opposite gender activities. Do you feel stereotyped or even ridiculous, depending on what you did ? Probably. Are you yet a different person ? No. You just expanded your possible activities, it isn't that big of a deal.

• Doing research about historical clothes and traditions. You will soon find out that today's norm was yesterday's abnormality. By seeing how gender expectations evolve, you will most likely find a period corresponding to your ideal appearance for example, or discover a tradition including something you always wanted to try. The point is to realize that these role boxes aren't permanent and that you hold the power to destroy/alter them.

• Stay true to yourself. Fully gender conforming individuals are pretty rare. Everyone is a mix of feminine and masculine characteristics, maybe with one more prevalent than the other. Pay attention to your hobbies, behavior, wardrobe, habits in general. You will probably notice, even just slightly, an opposite gender characteristic in your daily life. That is a first small step you took, without even noticing. See, it's that easy.

• If you're LGB, you are inherently breaking gender norms. Why ? This is my next and last point.

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❜ ─ same sex/gender attraction and normality; a particular case ─ ❛

If you are gender non-conforming, you redefine womanhood as not only feminine, and manhood as not only masculine. LGB individuals, on the other hand, redefine wo/manhood as not only heterosexual.

Attraction plays an important part in gender expectations. We may take the example of marriage. Same sex/gender couples were not allowed to marry for quite a long time, which made impossible the fulfillment of this expectation. Keep in mind that there are many other cases.

This leads to a disconnect from wo/manhood. As said before, the norm I am targeting is composed of three key elements : heterosexuality, gender conformity and a cis identity. Lacking one or more has a great influence on your perception of gender, making your experience unique. This is why LGB individuals have a different understanding of this topic.

It isn't surprising that queer can mean unusual. As a slur in a homophobe's sentence, it would directed towards our love, and it is right. Our love for wo/men is what makes us queer, abnormal but this is also what gives us our precious point of view.

It isn't a coincidence if gay/lesbian and straight are separated words. We cannot have a single word for loving wo/men, because even outside of discrimination, our experiences are way too different.

.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.

This last section isn't advice but a love message.

Please, realize how precious our spaces are and cherish them, protect them. Fall in love with them the same way I did. We are abnormal and that makes us, me, you, beautiful. I understand it might be hard, internalization of harmful ideas is quite frequent and our overall situation isn't great. However, please open your eyes and see what a treasure your attraction is. How wonderful your experience is. May it even be about gender and call it magical. You're not superior nor inferior. You're unique. Please, I beg you to embrace that. Be yourself, fully. If you can't now, maybe tomorrow, maybe in the years. But one day, you'll be true to yourself.

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In conclusion

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Gender, self expression and sexuality are heavily linked and can influence each other. It is however important to make the distinction, as one do not necessarily imply another.

Being confused, unsure is not a trans exclusive experience. Cis people are allowed to doubt. You are allowed to feel lost. At one point, you will get your answers.

Being gender non-conforming is more than okay and doesn't mean you are trans in denial. You are yourself and that's amazing. Thanks for breaking a little more gender expectations.

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You reached the end, but before leaving/commenting...

Please keep in mind that, in this case, ab/normal means not/conforming to the norm and NOT weird/natural.

Understand also that I used LGB and same sex/gender attraction as synonyms for clarity. I am well aware of other orientations and this includes them as well.

You can also message me/leave a comment if you have anything to say or ask.

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