Let’s Talk Pt12: How Horses Saved Me

Hello hello! Welcome to Let’s Talk Pt12! Today’s post is going to be a little more personal than normal, but it’s a very important topic that I feel like I should share. Anyway, without further ado, let’s get into today’s Let’s Talk!

How Horses Saved Me

TW: Mentions of suicide and mental illness

It was the middle of 2020, right in the thick of quarantine and coronavirus. It was around midnight, and I was laying in my bed, just thinking. I wishing that it would all end, the quarantine, the political BS, all of the crap in the world that prevented me and everyone else from being normal. It pissed me off, it still does, when I think about our rights to simply walk into a grocery store without a mask on were taken away. At first, yeah, I was scared. Scared that my family or myself would get sick and what would happen, but that changed after what was supposed to be 2 weeks, turned into months, then years. Of course, I didn’t know it would be that long at the time, but it made me sad, it really did. Then, because I was so upset, with pretty much nothing to do outside the walls of my own home, I became depressed, and it was pretty severe.

I wouldn’t get up from my bed, unless it was to grab a snack from the kitchen or take care of the horses. I was gaining weight, loosing sleep, and loosing motivation to do anything. I mean, I can’t really blame myself, I was stuck inside all day, what else was I supposed to do? Then, it got really bad. Bad to the point where I was crying all the time, most of the time without really a reason, but that’s depression for you. That wasn’t all it did though, you thought that making me lazy and emotional was enough? Nope. In 2021, in May, 4-H had started back up. I was signed up for the first qualifying show of the year, and my very first show ever. I still had no motivation, and no energy. My depression made it hard to practice with Sissy, I couldn’t work with her for more than 10 minutes without feeling exhausted. The fact that depression was now preventing me from doing what I loved, just made things worse. On top of all the crap going on in the world, it was now hard to even do the thing I was ionate about the most.

It pained me, it pained me so bad that I thought about committing suicide. It was a rainy night, and I was laying in my bed like always. It was about 2:00 in the morning, and I was laying there, thinking about it. The only things that prevented me from doing it, was my family and friends, and Sissy and Nicky. I went to bed at around 3:00am, I didn’t know it then, but I was sure lucky that I came to my senses that day, because about a week later, would be one of my happiest days of my life. At that qualifying show, Sissy and I came home with a blue ribbon. For the first time in a long time, I was genuinely happy. Showing with Sissy, pulled me out of that dark place I was in. It wasn’t the shows or blue ribbons that healed me though, it was Sissy that healed me. I owe that little mare everything.

Then, in December 2021, I lost my nana due to a heart attack. It was so sudden, that nobody had time to process. My mom and I took it the hardest, because not only was my nana my mom’s mother, but my love for horses came from my nana. My nana loved horses with all her heart, especially one horse she had named Sahar. She was so happy that my sister and I had also grown to love and adore the animal she cared so much about. Her and I would always talk about horses, but now, I couldn’t. It was also around that time, that we had brought home my newest horse, Flicka. On the day my nana died, I had ridden Flicka for the first time at home. I was so excited to share the videos with my nana, because I knew she would love them. I never got that opportunity though, unfortunately. Loosing my nana, brought my depression back. This time though, it wasn’t Sissy who saved me, it was Flicka. I knew how excited my nana was to hear about what I would do with Flicka, and that gave me the drive that I needed to get up and work with her. Working with Flicka, it gave me something to do. It gave me less time to think about depression and suicide, and because of that, my depression got better. It was because of the time that I was spending with Flicka, that helped me get better. That is why, I believe, horses saved me.

Thank you guys so much for ing me in Let’s Talk today! This is more of a personal story than a informational post, but I felt like it was something that should be heard, especially because maybe some people can relate to it. Let this be a message, if you’re struggling with depression, PTSD, or anything, don’t give up. You will make it through this, there is always a reason for you to keep going, wether it’s people you love, or a horse.

Goodbye for now!