Today our beautiful Pensri seems to have something on her mind. Let’s go chat with her and see what seems to be weighing on her.
Oh, hi everyone. Sorry, I am just feeling a little down today. I have a performance coming up in a month and a half and I am scared I’ll do bad again. It’s not like I think I am the best skater out there, but before I hurt my shoulder I was really good. Now, after my last failure... we’ll I am worried I will mess up like that again. I didn’t land a single jump. Not one. I have never fallen that many times during a performance. It was as if I had never bothered to practice before I went out there. Even all the pictures taken from the performance have me fallen. I know it seems petty, but I had a bad practice today. It was like my body was refusing to land jumps. This has me so worried. What if I do that again in this coming competition?
Can I tell you a secret? I’m a sore loser. I’m very competitive. I do my best to hide it, but when I decide to do something, no matter what it is, I give it everything I have to be the best I can. I know I will never be the best skater, but in the last competition, I came in last place. I have never came in last! I didn’t even know how to react. I just kept a smile on my face to hide my shock. When we got in the car I just sat silently. I wouldn’t speak because by that point I was furious at myself. I had allowed myself to fail. And at ice skating none the less!
I get intimidated competing at times because of who my parents. For some reason people automatically expect me to be the best skater ever, and that is not the case. This time was just humiliating. As we were leaving people were staring at me and whispering to each other. By the time I finally got home, I just cried. Dad tried to cheer me up reminding me how Uncle Yuuri had had some very disappointing failures but it didn’t help to cheer me up. It was mom who actually helped me the most.
I was upset for a few days after when Mom finally came into my room to talk. I laid on my bed with my head in her lap as she ran her fingers through my hair. While she did that, she told me that even though I had failed, she was so proud. I began to cry again because I had really felt like I had let my parents down with such a humiliating performance. When I asked her why she simply told me, “The only way that someone can truly fail is if they don’t give it their all when they try.” She explained that even though I had fallen, each time I got right back up and kept smiling. That even when it was over and it was confirmed I had received last place, I had kept a smile on my face.
I was so surprised by this. I honestly didn’t think they would be proud of me after that performance, but it meant the world that she said it. It took some time, but I got my confidence back, though today it is a little shaken. Hopefully I will do better. I mean, I do still have some time. I guess we will see. At least this failure finally gave me the courage to tell my parents my dream of becoming a doctor. I guess that is the silver lining. Well, I have to go now. It’s time for dinner. I hope I will see everyone again soon!
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