:cloud: after hours

➸purple for a heavy heart and an exhausted mind

:cloud:

coming home late to an empty had never been comforting before. now, i find myself wishing for that solitude. wishing to come home to a quiet house, either empty of other inhabitants or everyone slumbering away, lost in a dream.

i wish for only the comfort of night, the moonlight my only company. no more forced, polite small talk, no more lethal words made to cut deep into each others hearts. no arguments or snide remarks. no glares or nasty side eyes.

no more wounds to inflict on my heart.

:cloud:

i don’t get what i want, of course.

but i find it to hardly be a selfish request. is it? is it too much to ask for a little space?

is it too much to need to breathe?

i’m sick of the name calling and blatant insults. i’m tired of feeling like i’m walking on thin ice.

one wrong move and the ice will crack.

i’ll fall through into icy waters, filling my lungs and wanting to scream but no sound will escape.

no one will see me drowning. they’ll only leer at the hole i fell through, mocking my silly mistakes.

i had it coming.

:cloud:

i must it, i’m not an innocent victim.

poison drips off my tongue just the same as theirs and the words i hurl in retaliation leave an acrid taste in my mouth.

i find myself playing devil’s advocate some days.

other days, their sharp words cut into me mercilessly for a small remark.

so sensitive. grow up already.

but no. i’m scolded for not being the bigger person and letting it go, when i should have every right to defend myself.

but in truth, i’m no better.

i’ve never wanted to be anywhere else but here more.

sometimes i wonder if i’m better off dead.

:cloud:

my own thoughts scare me sometimes.