I have so much trauma and anxiety that my head doesn't stop thinking 24/7 about every little thing I could have done better or how the world is so messed up.
It's been that way ever since I was little.
Doctors told my mom:
-Well you should just spank your daughter for acting out-
Others say:
- Do you hear voice telling you to do bad things? -
- Do you have a man talking to you? -
- Are these voices nice?-
Some thought it was lack of discipline.
Some thought it was for attention.
Many thought it was demons. Many thought I wasn't disciplined well enough. Some thought I was crazy.
Lack of discipline meant all punishments were acceptable by my father. My mom on the other hand. She thought panking a child was wrong. But once again the doctor ordered. And I did have demons in me.
This all happened 10 years ago...
Because they didn't know that much about mental health.
So they tried to perform exorcism on me.
It was at same age when I realized life isn't what it is truly. But I'm realizing that me being so smart at young age fucked me up. Because I could see my parents relationship truly. I saw my dad was controlling and my mom was scared. I knew that you could die and not come back to life. I knew that I didn't have to experience a funeral or see something die.It was like I just knew like something deep down wanted me to know not to fuck this up. But that also made me anxious and cry because I didn't know what to do about it because I didn't wanna die.
That's the only reason my mom went in that day and that's when I got into the fucked medical system. They make it seem like they're gonna help you and you're gonna get better and they're going to take good care of you like they have solutions for everyone and everything.
But I see threw more people's bullshit then anyone can. But I think that's what makes me dangerous because it makes me angry that other people are so oblivious to things like that. It also makes me angry that the health care sucks ass because without my pills my trauma is so bad. And I wonder why I didn't make everything perfect and I cry and I get angry over it. Still I guess I haven't found the perfect meds. But for now I'm stable.
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