9.0 ; past

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𝓽𝓻𝓲𝓰𝓰𝓮𝓻 𝔀𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰 : implied death, mentions of drinking and vodka, and ptsd

it’s been four years, seven months, and nineteen days. i often wonder; would my life be so different had that day not happened? would i be stuck here, in my room, unable to think properly every single day at the same time?

my hands clamped up, and sweat glistened around every visible part of my body. i can’t drive a car, what am i doing?

every day, the excruciating pain in my head appears like clockwork, at 10:31 at night. i suppose that was the time when it happened. i’m not sure, but i assume.

there was another yell. i winced. i should have just called 911. i’m so stupid. why did i do this?

i caused a lot of accidents that night. my night was filled with the honking of horns and angry yells from strangers, followed with confused glared when they saw a little girl driving the car.

”hang in there, please.” i begged to the motionless figure slumping in the enger’s seat. no response. “mama, please.” the smell was horrible. it was like rotten eggs had been dipped into pepper.

the night sky was beautiful that night. it was almost selfish. such a horrible event on a lovely night? it makes me laugh sometimes now. it was like all those constellations formed a huge middle finger towards me. what did i ever do?

i prayed. as i gripped the steering wheel, i prayed. i took deep breathes and closed my eyes to calm down. wait, don’t close your eyes! you’re so stupid!

it happened so fast.

the stench. oh my god the stench. the mix of vodka and other alcoholic substances made my stomach churn and i could feel my dinner pushing up my throat.

the smell was so vivid. that night, i smelled so much of that horrible stench that it was like i could never be clean after that. why does this happen every. single. night?

mama groaned. “mama, please hold on. you’ll be okay.” she replied with retching. i thought she choked. “mam—“

i was too focused on her. i should have been watching the road. but i got scared.

a loud honk preceded my shocked scream. i jumped, i let go of the steering wheel. so stupid. why did i do that? i could have saved her.

i think the worst part is that i listened to her. she told me, don’t call the police. don’t call your father. and i thinking, “what am i supposed to do?” i listened to her.

i heard a crash, and felt a pain. oh god, i crashed the car. mama!

that’s where the flashback ends. with mama dying, and me crying. i finally called the ambulance, but they arrived too late.

the past is painful. i should learn from it, but somehow, i find myself opening a bottle of vodka to subdue the pain.

that turned out much darker than i expected it to be. if you’re suffering from ptsd or any other mental disorder, please seek help as soon as possible! there are people who want to help you. and please drink safely.

         ↳ goodbye! ❀

[ 𝓽𝓪𝓰𝓼 ] ↲

◣ #ssc2◥