The Reason

Dear you,

me? Perhaps you don’t. I haven’t been writing you in a while, after all. I wanted to, but I shouldn’t let my desires control me.

Right? It’s what you told me.

I took time for myself, alone and in silence. It was horrible, if I’m honest with you. Life hasn’t been helping me too, everything seemed to go downwards after experiences with you.

I never told you what I felt, I never attempted to get closer to you. Although, I wished I did. Who knows where we would’ve been now?

I could be laying next to you in bed, my arms wrapped around your waist and your beautiful face nuzzled into my neck. Your hums filling and pleasing my ears, my body close to yours. Minutes, hours just relaxing with you around me. It is something I am wishing for, something I regret.

I would raise your head with my thumb, staring into your eyes and telling you how beautiful you are.

“You’re an angel,” I would say.

I would lean in and press my soft lips gently against yours, I would brush them against your pink lips and hold you against my body. I would run my fingers smoothly through your brown hair, deepening the kiss and making you smile into it. I would show you my love, I would show you how much you mean to me.

But that’s my imagination. In reality, I will never have the balls. I will never have enough courage to make everything clear to you, not even to send you any of this letters.

The truth is that I am scared, my love. I am scared for your rejection, your disappointment. I don’t know your thoughts about me, I am clueless to your feelings.

I am a loser, I am not worth your love. I don’t deserve laying with you in bed, I don’t deserve talking to you, I don’t deserve your attention. You don’t know what I have done, no one knows the person I actually am. And no one will understand.

One would say I am overreacting, one would say everyone deserves love. But is that true, my love? Am I allowed to be happy? Am I allowed to smile, to make someone smile, to enjoy the days my soul exists on this earth?

If I do, why does it seem not so? Why is everything so negative in my point of view? Negativity doesn’t disappear in a day, darling. My emotions don’t wash away just like that, I don’t change because a few spoken words.

I am a horrible person. I know so. I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want to disappoint you. I don’t want to be that person in your life, I don’t want to be that person who broke you like I broke myself.

I want you to smile, my angel.

Smile.

Laugh.

Love.

Live.

But without me.

I will regret my decisions, I will regret not trying. In the future, I might think of you again. Perhaps cry, maybe laugh…

You will always be a part of me, but not the part I wish you to be.

I want you to love me; although, I can’t even love myself. I might never can, maybe I will be delivered of that faith sooner than I think.

But for now, my wish will be that one day we will be able to intertwine our souls.

My wish is that one day I will tell you.

From a helpless person,

Me