Day's End

Trigger Warning : themes might be triggering to some

...what woke me? Was it the sun glaring at me due to the hour? Was it the pain of my bladder and the sheer need for release? Or was it the guilt knawing at my sunconscious mind?

I suppose it was all of those things put together. Regardless of how I felt, I was awake now and there was nothing I could do about it. But it was so warm, the blanket that bundled beneath my my chin, clutched by my fist; soft the texture of the threads pulled tightly together; safe, a shield from the cold, a get away from my thoghts, a barrier from the world outside my door.

But i was awake...

                                                                 No matter what i felt

I needed to get up.

__________________

My bare feet making with the frozen tiles was just the shock I needed. Quickly, I pattered along, ignoring the goosebumps that covered my bare skin, the slowness of my mind, the urge to return to sactuary.

I needed to really wake up before they do. Cold water splashing on my face did the opposite of what I wanted. Instictively my body cringed back and again my mind struggled. Why? Why am I awake? What is the poiny of getting up at this hour? Am I actually going to do something or waste my time like everyday before this?

I disgu-

              the water wad the slap in the face I needed. With stinging cheeks, half lidded eyes and lips tinted pink from the cold, I unmounted my toothbrush and methodologically began brushing my teeth.

What am I doing right now? Why am I doing this anyway? No one would notice if I did not do it.

My grip on the toothbrush tightened and I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to refocus on the task at hand. Washing my face afterwards took even longer than the initial time.

It was those dark eyes... the depths of which where everything hides. The bags that from beneath them, the tell tale signs of sleepless nights, of a haunted soul.

"Why do you bother looking at yourself? Its nothing different than you see everyday. You're nothing pspecial. If anything you should hope no one sees you at all."

Reflection forgotten I moved into the shower, the only piece of silence in the morning. The warm water cascading down my skin drowns the parts of me I could not silence on my own. I revelled in the beauty of it, the sparkling water and its comforting touches that envelopes me, whispering of better things up ahead. I allowed myself to hope.

Stepping out of the shower, the cold welcomed me back. My body trembled, its tight hold on he towel, desperate for protection but it offered none. As I got dressed, they got angry. My head began to pound as their rage rose.

"No one cares about you and they are never going to help you. Why do you bother reaching out? You really think those clothes would hide the fat on your tummy or the harrowing skininess of your arms? You're a mess and everyone knows."

Sighing our eyes connected in the mirror again I ignored them as my fingers wrapped around the cool handle of the clear brush. Releasing my hair I slowly make work of soothing out the tangles before gently brushing the waves then I tied it back. Then I alloeed our eyes to connect, the gaze as icy as before. A bit intimidated but not deterred I forced a smile on my face , not caring how I look.

                                                        It doesn't matter matter.

                                                                    None of it matters.

Because I am trying