What we found (in a hopeless place) | short story

Set in Sunnyfall's Paws of Stars universe/timeline (honestly go read Paws of Stars, it is very good and gets better with every book, suffice to say I cried on a plane while reading the final book).

Stars to Shadows (book 2, similar point in time as canon Long Shadows). Missing scenes from the twoleg nest, or: Hazeltail learns what being part of a Clan really means.

"with a white doves feather, a #WAQuality took flight" - thank you Felix!

And thank you so much for featuring! <3

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Scenes from the Twoleg nest

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'we're standing side by side'

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The clammy wind of an early leaf-bare morning howled around the twoleg nest, shrieking in the stuffed cracks of the harsh angular walls. A light drizzle was coming down outside, the kind that a cat barely felt on their pelt, yet would end up drenched by.

Inside the muted grey lighting seemed to reflect the mood. Stale nests were occupied by sniffling curled up cat shapes, tangled up in their own thoughts and misery. An echo of death reverberated in the corners. Close to one of the walls, a grey-and-white warrior was bent over a smaller white figure.

"You should try to eat something." Hazeltail pushed the tiny shrew closer towards Icepaw. The white apprentice's eyes were bleary and her normally sleek and well-groomed fur matted. Hazeltail supposed she didn't look much better herself.

"I can't swallow," Icepaw croaked weakly. "It hurts."

"I'll find you some honey," Hazeltail promised, her belly clenching in sympathy. Icepaw did sound awful - her throat had to be raw and painful. "And some water. But you need to eat to keep your strength up, okay?" A muted nod was all the reply she got as Icepaw buried her head under her tail, a shiver running down her flank.

The grey-and-white warrior carefully navigated her way between the sometimes sleeping, sometimes resting, sometimes uncomfortably tossing figures of her sick clanmates until she reached the walls of the Twoleg nest. Just beyond, on the flat stone, she'd find supplies left behind by the medicine cats.

The herb pile was pitifully small, and Hazeltail could not find any honey among it. She'd talk to Leafpool the next time she came and ask about honey. At least they were still stocked up on fresh-kill, though that was mostly since less than half the cats in the Twoleg nest were eating properly.

Hazeltail sighed. She'd been trying to keep an eye on everyone. If that was the best - only, more likely, she thought bitterly - way she could serve her Clan right now, so be it. Someone had needed to step in after Firestar had been taken back to camp. And maybe, just maybe, she was also keeping busy to avoid having to think about Mousewhisker.

"There's no honey left," she explained apologetically as she returned to Icepaw's nest, "but will you do me a favour and try to swallow some herbs?" She was pretty sure this was tansy. Mostly because, for the past half moon or so in which more and more of ThunderClan had been taken sick, that herb name had been thrown around more often than any other - with the exception of catmint, which they didn't have.

Icepaw nodded and began chewing, trying to mask her expression of disgust at the taste. "Tastes horrible," she croaked.

Relief prickled in Hazeltail's paws. If the apprentice was well enough to complain, it couldn't be that bad. Not like-

She stopped herself in her thoughts as she took notice of the intense, perceptive gaze that Icepaw had turned onto her. "Are you alright?," the young she-cat rasped in a low voice. "If you want to talk about your brother-"

"I'm fine," she responded immediately. She had a job to do here, and besides, she was a warrior. No need to burden an apprentice with her worries.

Icepaw responded with a questioning look, but didn't say anything else. Hazeltail sighed inwardly in relief. She could grieve another day… when every cat was healthy again, and most importantly, when she could do so alone.

She checked on Millie and Briarkit next, fear raising her heartbeat. They both looked so weak, and she wished there was something more she could do than try to get them to drink water and eat a little. They needed healing herbs, and proper care - nothing she could provide.

For a few drawn-out moments Hazeltail wondered whether she should head back to camp and call for Leafpool or Jaypaw to see to them. Who had come up with the stupid idea of leaving the medicine cats in camp in the first place? Shouldn't they be here with their patients?

The ThunderClan warrior shook out her pelt to chase the thoughts away. It had been Firestar's idea, and there was no way she would judge their leader so harshly when he too was likely fighting for his life right now, in the ThunderClan camp. Hollyleaf would definitely not approve if she criticized his idea - and neither did Hazeltail herself. Loyalty to her Clan included loyalty to its leader, even if his decisions were flawed sometimes.

As the day progressed, Hazeltail tried to keep herself busy and useful, even as Cloudtail reminded her to rest. She hated feeling this cooped up. And so she checked Mousefur's pelt for ticks, played a guessing game with a whiny Briarkit who was at once bored and too sick to stand, changed the stale moss in their nests, convinced everyone to eat some tansy - even Millie, who barely seemed to what it was she was feeding her - and gave Icepaw's pelt a wash.

Sunset could not be far off, though the clouds would have barred them from seeing the sun even if the walls of the nest had not, when paw steps sounded outside the twoleg nest.

"Is anyone awake?"

"Hollyleaf!" Excited that it was her friend who was bringing them supplies today, Hazeltail rushed up towards the edge of the next. She stopped dead in her tracks, careful about maintaining her distance from the jet-black warrior who was currently stuffing her catch into the hollow tree stump.

"Hazeltail!" Relief shimmered in Hollyleaf's green eyes, and she waved her tail in greeting. "How are you feeling? How is everyone?"

"We need honey." She began with the most important thing. "Icepaw has a sore throat and can't eat well, I hope some honey will help. And Millie is still very sick - I don't think she's been fully awake all day. I really think she needs to see a medicine cat."

Hollyleaf nodded, the worry obvious in her clenched lips and constantly moving ears. "Graystripe fears she'll die," she itted.

"So do I," Hazeltail concurred.

Hollyleaf studied her for a moment. "And how are you?," she mewed more gently. "After... Mousewhisker and Buzzardkit?"

A sigh escaped Hazeltail before she could prevent it. "I'm alright," she stated nonetheless, adding "I promise" when it seemed like Hollyleaf was not fully convinced. There would be time to grieve later, when her Clan was safe.

"Make sure you rest too, will you? We need you all to get better." More shyly than was common for her, her eyes turned to the ground, Hollyleaf added "I need you to get better. Dawn patrols aren't the same without you."

Warmth prickled inside Hazeltail. She too missed her friend, and could not wait until they would be able to hunt together again.

"I'll do my best," she promised.

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'it's the way I'm feeling, I just can't deny'

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Hazeltail awoke in total darkness, shivering violently and feeling colder than she could ever feeling. Every hair on her pelt seemed to hurt. She suppressed a groan and tried to dig deeper into her mossy nest, careful not to wake anyone. It must be the middle of the night still, but sleep was unthinkable.

She sat up slowly as she tested her body. The uncomfortable scratch in her throat had become a burning sear. Her head felt stuffed and heavy like on a hot greenleaf day while cold ran down her spine in waves. Just as she thought she had never felt this bad before, a coughing fit ripped through her chest, leaving her gasping for breath and dizzy as her flanks heaved to suck in air.

Exhausted, she collapsed back into her nest. Her body was a catalogue of all different types of pain she thought a cat could experience - the pressure on her chest a boulder resting atop her, her throat being ripped by claws, her muscles screaming like those of one who has run all day, and her head pulsing uncomfortable as if a branch had hit it.

It was a mercy when sleep finally won over the agony.

"Hazeltail? Are you alright?"

A voice filtered into her ears as if from deep underwater. Hazeltail blinked weakly through sticky eyelids until she managed to see clearly. Icepaw was sitting in front of her, a mossball soaked in water lying beside her.

"Sorry. I'm just a little tired - I'm fine." The ThunderClan warrior had tried to sound nonchalant, but barely got a whisper out. Her voice simply would not cooperate. Then, as she tried to scramble to her feet, a wave of dizziness overcame her and she had to dig her claws into the soft moss of her nest. Unable to tell whether the twoleg nest or she herself was swaying, she desperately clamped her eyes shut.

A warm, soft body pressed against hers. Hazeltail melted into the touch, finally steadied enough to reopen her eyes as Icepaw gently guided her back down into her nest.

"I don't think I agree with that, but for now, let's just get you comfortable," Icepaw replied gently, her voice still hoarse but much stronger than the day before. Too weak to do anything else, Hazeltail just looked at her, dazed. When the white apprentice pushed the wet moss towards her, she took a few halting sips, then eagerly drew the soothing liquid into her parched throat. Until she choked.

A few harsh coughs rid Hazeltail of the wayward water, but her weakened lungs could not stop the coughing once it had started. Helplessly she shook in her nest, wholly overtaken by the fit as darkness lapped at the edges of her vision. Only slowly she recovered and could draw uninterrupted breaths again, helped by the long soothing strokes of Icepaw's tongue across her back.

"You don't need to pretend to be fine," the apprentice chastised her mildly. "We've all had really bad days. You are sick. It's okay that you need rest."

Tired and shivering as she was despite the fever heat pulsing in her body, a low purr escaped Hazeltail as she curled up in the moss. "Thank you," she whispered hoarsely. Even though she was a warrior - or perhaps because she had not been born as one - it sometimes felt as if she needed permission to show anything other than strength.

Icepaw rested her tail on the young warrior's shoulder, her roughened voice drawing closer. "Of course. You've been there for me when I wasn't feeling well, haven't you? Now it's my turn to take care of you."

Hazeltail's breathing slowly evened out as she lay in the nest, comforted by the presence of her Clanmate. Maybe it was okay to rest. Maybe she could close her eyes and doze… just for a moment.

She woke up near sunset, feeling something at least resembling rested - and, mercifully, warm. The latter most likely thanks to Icepaw, who was curled up around her.

"Hey," Hazeltail whispered hoarsely.

"Hey," Icepaw replied, a smile shining through her voice. "How are you feeling?"

"Better," Hazeltail acknowledged, gently stretching all of her limbs. They still ached, likely not helped by the stiff position she had slept in, but at least they had stopped shaking. She did still feel much worse than the day before… but certainly better than in the morning. "No longer freezing."

"That's good," the white apprentice murmured, touching her nose to Hazeltail's cheek. "Your fever must have gone down." She slowly got to her paws, sneezed twice, then stretched out her back. "You should try eating something. I'll fetch us some prey."

Hazeltail hummed agreement, even though she wasn't exactly hungry. It was almost… nice, to be cared for this way. She couldn't another cat taking care of her since she had been a kit, in the nursery with Daisy. Then again, she had always done her utmost to resist any affections shown by other cats, too focused on being strong and independent and an asset to her Clan.

Maybe it was okay to be weak and to lean on her Clanmates from time to time.

✧

'we found love in a hopeless place'

✧

A half-moon later, Icepaw and Hazeltail were on their way back to camp, chatting amicably as they made their way through the barren trees. The long days and nights spent in the twoleg nest had bonded the two she-cats together in what Hazeltail was now sure was her second strongest friendship - just after Hollyleaf.

"Wait a moment," the warrior huffed, "I need to catch my breath." Though Leafpool had certified both of them as healthy and fit to return to camp, the long illness had left its marks. What would normally have been a short walk through familiar territory felt like a long journey still, and this was not the first time they had had to rest in between. After a moon of barely leaving their nests, their steps were unsure and clumsy, and they moved at a fraction of their regular pace.

Hazeltail knew that when they returned to camp, they would not get to resume their duties immediately either - there would be more check-ups from the medicine cats, and at least a few sunrises of being confined to camp. Still, she was eager to leave the twoleg nest behind and return to the warriors' den… Except that she would miss spending time with Icepaw. Maybe she could help the apprentice with some of her lighter duties while they both finished recovering.

They had stopped by Buzzardkit and Mousewhisker's grave earlier, Icepaw gently encouraging Hazeltail to say goodbye to them. She hadn't wanted to. Hadn't wanted to it that she would miss them, that she should have distanced herself less from her family. There had been a rift between the grey-and-white she-cat, her brothers, her mother, and their new half-siblings, one she had dug almost intentionally, to set herself apart as the model warrior first and the horseplace-born outsider last. Perhaps now, when it was already too late for two of them, it was time for Hazeltail to reach out a paw again. The thought sounded suspiciously like Icepaw's suggestion.

Brightheart greeted them at the entrance to the hollow, her eye shining with relief. "Icepaw! Hazeltail! It's good to see you both back." She touched her nose to her apprentice's and gave the warrior a friendly nod. "You must be exhausted from the trip. Take some prey, and then you can both go to your nests and rest. Jayfeather said he would check on you before sunset."

"Thank you, Brightheart," Hazeltail mewed gratefully. A tiny spark of surprise shone in the senior warrior's eyes, as if she hadn't expected such quick agreement. Icepaw gave her an amused prod, and Hazeltail lowered her head. They were right - not long ago, she would have insisted she was fine, and probably volunteered for the evening patrol. But she had learned something since.

"And thanks to you too, Hazeltail. I hear you've taken great care of everyone, especially my apprentice. That was kind of you."

With a meaningful glance at her new friend, the grey-and-white warrior replied, "We all took care of each other."

'tonight we honour what was lost, but we also commemorate what we found'

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2523 words

Song inspirations/quotes from:

We Found Love (in a Hopeless Place) - Rhianna

Finale - Come From Away

#Writing

#WritingWednesday

#PawsOfStars

Happy one year anniversary of yours truly learning how to say "I don't feel well" (yes… that really took me 22 years). In celebration, Hazeltail gets to learn the same valuable lesson about trusting and leaning on others, because I think she needs it.

Inspired by the Nepal gang... Thank you for sticking together when lunch at Sticks and dinner at Yummy turned into ORS and watermelon brought downstairs. When we stopped sharing drinks and started sharing thermometers. And when our breakfast conversations turned from weekend plans to hospital briefings. 'This is also global health' - but I'm so glad we didn't have to go through it alone <3

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all photos taken myself