Be it bcs i drilled into my brain that im an empty husk devoid of anythin, or jus bcs i find gender irrelevant to life, my gender is something i got trouble w for the simple fact i feel theres nothin that can explain what i feel abt my gender, or ig lack there of or lack of care abt it, i dont have a sense of gender not in the agender sense of i dont feel i have a gender or dont experience a gender, nor do i fit into gendervoid as i dont feel a gender missing. I jus dont see gender nor its relevance in life
Went for nonbinary cuz i feel my 'gender' to others it either doesnt fit the binary or fits that and more than bcs to me it honestly just doesnt exist. Part of me is startin to wonder if this is also a sign of neurodivergence lol
I experience a sort of dysphoria and definetly experience body dysmorphia. All i wish abt my body is that it could convey the non ground my gender stands. Basically i wish i could be more androgynous, which is def harder since i was cursed to be born with the female sex, bcs the body changes a lot really defining "a female". Sure some ppl still mistake me for a guy but thats aint the thing im aiming for, well really what im aiming for is for ppl to literally jus hit me w anythin they got in the sense they could be callin me "man" one sec then "girlie" the next and them seein absolutely nothin abnormal or without questioning if they got it right, but ig since that i cant ask for im just aimin for ppl to be like "cool person" or "wtf r they?". I just want ppl to act any way w me not just stick to one way of actin bcs they think im a girl or a boy
Does that make any sorta sense?
Idfk if it does but 2 me it does. But ig thats bcs i know exactly what i mean
Genderfluid doesnt fit bcs i dont like feel more like a gender every now n then. I just completely disregard my gender bcs it has no relevance to how i rlly live. It sure is hell in social settings tho but thats bcs of what other ppl assume not bcs of what i feel abt myself
The only reasons i ever feel dysphoria or experience gender related dysmorphia is when ppl make a point of attributing a certain gender to me. Dysmorphia is either bcs they mention my body like idk girls sayin they wish they could have a body like me (rare but it happens) or ppl sayin shi like "youre a beautiful girl, pretty face and nice body" shi like that idk. It doesnt feel wrong like a gender identity being disrespected bcs i lack a real gender identity it just feels irritating that they feel the need to attribute a gender to me. Actin like i should live a certain way jus bcs they think im that gender n i wanna live like that
Which is partially y im hopin to breakup w my partner. Or well that they break up w me. I love them but theyd never understand nor any of this stuff. Suppose thats y they say queers should date queers
I suppose the gender thing i got could go deeper considering i dont rlly feel myself alive most the time, n i basically live as if life isnt real. Oh well this is what happens when you over fantasize and yearn to romanticize your life somehow bcs it feels bleak otherwise
Ig its also that lack of freedom that sticking to a certain gender is
Dunno y but now i wanna try writing lyrics lmao
Ye imma stop the rantin here cuz idk how much more i can explain b4 i actually break everyones mother boards trying to understand what im sayin :skull:
Off gender topic tho. I rlly wanna start dressin alt or somewhere along those lines. Also anyone got any good songs to recommend or smth? My playlists runnin dryyyy
Comments (12)
living a lie forever leads to regret and makes it hard self-accept and embrace ur sexuality and identity, now laying low for a lil bit until u get financially stable, having Ur own place I understand completely, cuz that's what I'm doing but why live a lie forever? do u have internalized homophobia and internalized transphobia within yourself that makes it hard for u to accept and embrace yourself as queer?
Reply to: JUSPIP
Not at all. I have for the most part completely accepted all i am. Just weighing the loses from me coming out n me just staying hidden forever. The second option is just much more liveable than the first. And i dont think i can face many more loses in my life, especially not when it comes to the friendship of others or hatred from others or anything of the sort. Where i live the is also just completely no existent. My mums husband would quite literally kill me if anything slipped out, my mum would kick me, my father fck knows. Imma leave it at that. Just weighing the options the lie feels overall more liveable and safe
Reply to: Aryse
pls just try to get out of the house when u have enough money, bc it's not benefiting u at alll i genuinely wish the best for u kiddo
I want to dress goth/alt toooo , and this is somewhat relatable for me in a sense I identify as non-binary, but I only experience social dysphoria and want to change my name and gender socially ... the difference is I'm REALLY looking to date, and only have body issues in the sense of I want to have a muscular body, so if I look feminine in looks weird on purpose . also to feel truly comfortable in my body, yk?
Reply to: JUSPIP
I did mention in my post "this is why queers should date queers". Tbf he doesnt know anything about me being queer. I know he loves me i know i love him. Im closeted from everyone irl besides a cousin, because i basically live among all homophobes n transphobes, hell if i come out to mum i may not even have to run anymore id just be kicked. But at the same time, when it comes to my partner, i know that if i continue like this ill either forever live a lie and wont be satisfied or at some point collapse under the pressure of knowing im lying to everyone. And even if he didnt mind us he himself is well cis and het so its just doomed if it comes out. But if i never do anything ill just be livin a life i dont wanna live
Reply to: JUSPIP
I know most refuse. I know i should find someone else, someone part of the community someone who would understand and feel similar things but ig part of me just finds it easier to lie forever, i been doing it for a long time anyway. And the issue is i do love him, genuinely do love him, i just know he wouldnt if he knew the reality
Reply to: Aryse
sorry, but someone isn't found of queer ppl, isn't worth loving bc you'll end up hurting yourself so, his said ''love '' for u isn't genuine, real love or unconditional love either it's clearly fake and conditional bc genuine real, unconditional love from person whose is genuinely a great person would love u no matter who are or what u are gender and sexuality, listen I get it I come from family of homophobes and transphobes as well only my mom, and sisters know I'm lesbian but not non-binary and the rest of my family doesn't know I'm lesbian nor non-binary so I get it in that sense . but I advise u to date someone who'll accept u and embrace u with open arms and acceptance bc if don't you'll never happy nor for filled in life and regret it deeply .