Stubborn Hearts

Warnings for://

-Unhealthy relationships

-Lack of consent

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Phil felt like he was tearing the usually pleasant term ‘friendship’ to smithereens.

And he hated himself for it.

Every time Dan appeared by his side, and held him in a certain way that couldn’t be mistaken for anything else, Phil submitted to his requests. Because it was all platonic. There were no hidden feelings, or complicated relationships, as they were simply Dan and Phil and they helped each other out. That’s how they worked.

So when Dan craved to feel loved, and confided to Phil that he felt useless and heartbroken without someone to care for him, Phil gave him his love.

It was all platonic, Phil convinced himself. There was no tingle of excitement whenever he held Dan close, or a sense of attachment when he pampered Dan with little kisses. It was all an act, and Phil thought Dan knew that.

The issue had started out innocently enough. Dan simply asked to be held tightly, and in his state of worry, Phil complied. He never expected his best friend to press a light kiss to his cheek and smile softly, only to then pull away with shock at his own actions.

“Oh, fuck, I’m so sorry, I thought... No, that doesn’t even matter because I just kissed you without permission and-”

His tears were quick to fall and quicker to turn into sobs. Phil, being the gentle soul he was, reached forward and clung to Dan dearly in hopes of reassuring him that it was fine, he was okay, and that everything would sort itself out.

༚“I see the way you look at me when you think I’m not looking,”༚ Phil murmured in Dan’s ear. “But we’ll get through this together, okay?”

“No, Phil, I-“ Dan struggled to annunciation his thoughts. “I don’t want you specifically, I just...”

“You can tell me absolutely anything, Dan.”

“Okay. Yeah.” Dan took a moment to collect his words. “I just, want to feel loved? I’m sorry, that’s an awful excuse.”

“Dan.” Phil held his hands on Dan’s shoulders and made direct, unwavering eye with him. He needed to know how serious he was. “It’s okay. You’ve done nothing wrong. Thank you for telling me.”

Phil leaned in and pecked his best friend on the cheek, earning him bright red cheeks alongside an incredibly bashful grin.

“If you want to feel loved, I can do that. Okay? I can do that for you, Dan.”

The conversation ended with Phil wrapping his arms around Dan’s middle, and their heads buried in each other’s shoulders. It was all platonic, Phil told himself as he brushed his lips against Dan’s neck comfortingly. Everything between them was platonic, and it would always remain that way.

A couple of months later, Phil found out that his idea of their relationship was vastly different to Dan’s.

They now made out if Dan said he needed it. Sometimes, he didn’t even need to say anything aloud; Phil would simply know when he was needed in that way, and would leap at the opportunity to comfort his flatmate, his best friend, his Dan, in order to make him feel loved and important to someone. He assumed Dan only wanted certain aspects of a relationship, the safe aspects that close friends would sometimes play around with.

He was wrong with Dan.

༚ ० ✧ ० ༚

Phil’s flatmate was laid down on their living room couch, his expression obscured from view due to the low levels of lighting at dusk. He looked up from his phone to see Phil walk over, and he eagerly patted the space down next to him in anticipation. Phil knew by his eyes what he wanted.

As soon as Phil sat down, Dan’s hands were on him. His lips hungrily attacked his flatmate’s, and the two made out for a couple of minutes at Dan’s silent request. They broke apart for a moment to catch their breath, and Phil could see the utter adoration that was willingly being put on display for him.

Phil knew that Dan couldn’t fake that kind of affection.

A toxic sickness spread through his mind as he finally realised the motivation behind Dan’s behaviour, and suddenly Phil couldn’t decide if he would ever look at his best friend in the same light again.

Dan’s fingers were playing with Phil’s fringe, and for the first time since they’d initiated these questionable occurrences, Phil felt uncomfortable.

Dan didn’t let his loving gaze leave Phil for a moment. ༚“You are the single best thing that has ever happened to me.”༚

He smiled one of those dashing and radiate smiles of his that Phil now knew represented something other than platonic love. “You know that, right?”

Dan whispered it in such a way that the hairs on the back of Phil’s neck stood on end in a far from pleasant way. Whatever Dan was trying to inaugurate, he didn’t want to be a part of it. He didn’t want to play Dan’s game anymore.

Now that Phil had realised the true intent on Dan’s etiquette, he could see through every minute movement Dan did towards him like the boy himself was made of glass, stained by the emotions of a one-sided romance. He could finally see the amorous expressions that were being sent his way, and could feel the other’s iration in the poisonous atmosphere surrounding him.

Dan leant forward with a bold smirk and attacked Phil’s lips like it was his last day on Earth, and Phil had never been in a situation that had felt so wrong before in his entire life. He knew he didn’t want this, whatever this unsaid thing was. But he couldn’t scold Dan for it when only a few months ago he had assured him that he’d done nothing wrong, that it was okay for him to do this, that Phil would be there for him when he needed it.

Dan needed Phil, but in a way that Phil didn’t want to be needed.

And Phil refused to be needed in that way when he felt Dan’s other hand lift up the bottom of his shirt.

Phil pulled away immediately, but the intruding hand remained on his bare skin.

“Stop, Dan.”

With a dazed expression, Dan stared at him incredulously. He listened to Phil though, and jerkily pulled his hand away from Phil’s body in a manner than resembled being electrocuted. The heavy silence reverberating throughout the apartment struck the two of them numb.

“How long...?” Dan muttered, refusing to look remotely in Phil’s direction. He couldn’t see from where he was, but Phil could tell from his tone that Dan was struggling to keep it together.

“How long, what?” Phil replied just as quietly.

“How long have you been pretending? How long have you acted as if you didn’t mind me kissing you, and touching you, a-and... How long have you fucking hated me for doing this to you?”

Dan still refused to turn his body around. His eyes remained fixated on the ground, and Phil felt like he could only watch the tears drip onto the carpet instead of help Dan make them leave his presence. He felt completely and utterly useless, but he hated the idea of lying to Dan even further.

“I’ve, I’m so sorry, Dan, I should have told you earlie-”

“How long have you had to pretend to fucking like me, Phil? Tell me! How long have I forced you to be something that you’re not?”

Dan had finally positioned his body to face him, and Phil had never felt more ashamed or guilty in his entire life. They were both to blame for this mess of a relationship, but Phil knew Dan would feel the need to take the brunt of the blame. No matter how many times he rephrased the sentence, though, Phil couldn’t formulate the words correctly to ease Dan’s conscious.

“S-Since the beginning.”

Fresh tears spilled unwillingly out of Dan’s bloodshot eyes, but Phil felt his own sadness refuse to express itself in a way it never had before.

He couldn’t cry. He couldn’t pretend anymore. He’d done enough acting to last a lifetime.

He refused to let on he loved Dan.

༚“I’m a terrible person,” Dan confessed, the words barely managing to his trembling lips. “I managed to fall in love with my best friend.”༚

Phil reached his hand out to hold Dan’s own, but the younger pulled his hand back before they could touch.

“No, Phil... I can’t keep doing this to you.”

He sniffed despairingly and fiddled with his fingers. He couldn’t bare to face Phil anymore.

“You deserve so much fucking better than all the shit I put you through.”

Dan nearly left. With his eyes bleary and his cheeks stained with unwanted tears, he’d nearly gotten up to leave. But Phil muttered something, something heartbreaking, something Phil knew Dan would hear.

༚“Why would you say that?!”༚

It stopped Dan in his tracks. He still avoided Phil’s concerned look, but Phil could now see part of his face in the dim lighting of their lounge room. A distinct frown made its way onto the younger’s lips in the milliseconds it took for him to think of a response.

“Because you hated it! You were uncomfortable, annoyed, and most likely angry that I felt like I could do this to you!”

“Dan!” Phil yelled for the first time in their conversation. “It’s both of our faults. Okay? I need you to understand that.”

“But I still-”

“I didn’t speak up, okay? That’s on me. Completely my fault. You,” Phil stated, pointing at him for emphasis, “are not to blame for my choice of actions.”

“Sure...”

“Dan.” Phil felt exasperated. He didn’t know what other way he could tell Dan that this wasn’t just his fault.

“Dan, I need you to understand that we’re both to blame.”

Phil thought of moving over to Dan and hugging him in an effort to calm him down, but he shot down that idea instantaneously when he realised that would give Dan little comfort due to the problem at hand. Instead, he gently laid his hand on top on his flatmate’s, and waited for him to pull away.

Dan didn’t, but it was clear from the way his bottom lip wobbled that he knew Phil wasn’t trying to be romantic.

“We both stuffed up, okay? We’ll get through this...”

They stayed on that couch until sunrise, when they both automatically made their way over to the kitchen to make breakfast. An uneasy tension had fallen between them, and Phil could only hope that one day, things would return to the way they had been before.

But try as Phil might, he knew he couldn’t control Dan’s stubborn heart from loving him.

And that was their downfall in the end.

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Prompts used://

51. “I see the way you look at me when you think I’m not looking.”

71. “You are the single best thing that has ever happened to me.”

55. “I’m a terrible person. I managed to fall in love with my best friend.”

94. “Why would you say that?!”

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AN:// Thank you so much for reading Stubborn Hearts. I really appreciate it.

I’m sorry it’s another sad one btw. I’ve just been using my writing as a way to vent out my emotions recently, and so far it’s sort of been working. So, yeah, sorry if my future fics for a while are sad. I am trying to write happy and fluffy fics for the near future!

Anyways, I guess I’ll talk to you all later friends.

(Also happy 2018 guys!)

#HPK