The inner ramblings of a Dyspraxic who caught the bus 10 minutes later than usual and it’s living hell for them

T/W:Strong Language

Mentions of Anxiety

I get on scan my ticket,

And some days I’m late so it’s 10 minutes later and in 10 minutes my senses overload because truth is everyone is already sat down and I’m lugging this shopping bag of things usually deemed dodgy but my excuse is I’m a fashion student so much makes sense when your a fashion student.

I’m clinging onto the railings for dear life because at 7:40am there’s a good few seats but arrive 7:50 and your contending with the high school students and I’m gripping that pole for dear life like The devil himself was going to rip me from my spot and does it feel like it and I curse myself for reading my comic or loosing my things and I have to tell myself I can’t really help the fact that my brains a jumbled mess I’ll pick these tangled ropes apart till my fingers numb and bleed and it still won’t come undone because Disorders aren’t curable you can’t untangle them and on days where I’ve caught the bus 10 minutes later I can never seem to catch my breath I could find a seat and I still feel like I have run the London marathon because my Anxeity combs through every way this day could get worse and I ignore it because self fulfilling prophecies my mums voice echos in my head with the cacophony of music lyrics that I can’t seem to knock out of orbit or the low level whispers of insecurity along with the clanging, loud, brutal but oddly gentle lull of the metal bus.

Don’t let people

Tell you that people’s gazes don’t literally burn because when Anxiety’s flames lick your trainers in the bus station people’s gazes eat away at your conscious because well your the brightest fucking thing in that room

And your brain cannot compute if the glares are of jealousy, upset, hatred or if their not glaring at all and your paranoia is playing tricks on you.

I’m not Autistic I can’t even call myself Autistic but I am a dyspraxic and that overlaps with the symptoms only a small few that I can’t help but feel I have a few to much of to simply be dyspraxic, again I’ll remind myself that I am severe I cannot walk past a single doorway without careering into it and I’m pretty sure I look like a drunk half the time although I’m not I’m dyspraxic and I wonder if I actually have it or if they made a mistake and I’m just a disappointment.

The pieces of this puzzle don’t fit I am a wreck.

And all of this for getting on a bus just 10 minutes later I am a mess.

Someone help this mess before they fuck something else up.

I’m a disaster magnet, your better off staying home.

Picture is not mine