4. and when i finally say it i do not mean it kindly (03.26.2021)

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   in the morning, when i think of you first, a tiny corner of my mind will call you an ocean, will wish to be lost in your depth and infinity, will want to be that sailboat again and brave all your hurricanes and embrace all your beauty. and yet that moment only lasts an instant, because in the next all i see is his hand pulling me under the waves and the saltwater rushes back out of my throat, suffocating, drowning. there is something to be said about my fear of the water, because maybe it started there, or maybe it started when i felt their eyes on me as i stood on the edge of that diving board and my lungs constricted as if they were ready to send me into the emergency room again for the thousandth time. even now, my mouth dry and unable to form words, the taste of water disgusts me.

   in the morning, when i wake up to soft patters against the window and traffic splashing through the streets, it's almost ironic how much i love the rain. i think of how i used to race droplets down the car window, trying to drown myself in music, tuning my mind away from the front seats. i think of how my grandmother called me a summer storm when they named me drizzle. i think of walking with old sneakers on dark concrete, petrichor air indolent. so maybe my mind will compare you to an ocean first, because something about you is terrifying in the quietest way, but then i will realize that you're much more like rain, soft and reminiscent of the wonder i still hold in the beauty of this world, letting me laugh no matter how often my parched voice breaks, hiding my tears, embracing me still.

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ended up adding to this.. series? typed it all while tryna come with an instagram caption, actually. probably why i ended up using this format again. the more i read it the less sense it makes.

[photograph is my own]