breaking, breaking, broken

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This is probably something people who I normally talk to here wouldn't expect to come from me. Most people who I used to talk to a lot here are inactive anyways. Last night, I was just chatting with people at a chatroom, acting all cheery and sending the weirdest pictures I can find on the internet. You wouldn't expect someone like that to have thoughts that are out of the ordinary, right? Plus, I'm pretty young. No one my age should even have the issues I have.

Well, throw that out of the window. I'm quite a different person when I drop my phone. In real life, I'm one of the most anxious people out there. I suffer from Social Anxiety, which I haven't really talked about here. Everytime I'm in a public space, I have this feeling that someone is judging me from afar. It has resulted me prefering to keep to myself, and has led to me locking myself in my room all the time. When I'm alone, I can be very productive. Without anyone around, I don't feel like anyone's watching me. I don't feel like I'm doing something wrong when someone looks and/or laughs at me. I can do things my way.

Which might seem odd. At NSA, I can happily share things such as thumbnails and blog ideas to other people. In real life, I always get anxious when sharing how I feel, and my interests and such. Odd, isn't it?

Think of R4z!31 as a mask I wear, I become someone else and live another life everytime I wear that mask.

I am a very stoic guy. I have gone through a lot of things I never wanted to go through, and people think that it's okay because I don't complain. I try to drown and suffocate how I feel, but it always manages to survive and catch me off guard. Especially in 2016, I was crying in bed almost every night due to the constant bullying I received in school. It also doesn't help that I am extremely patient. I can go through any type of tedium; I know that things like that will eventually end. I prefer to hide how I really feel and just say "No, it's okay." rather than saying what's currently on my mind.

I've been managing well in the past. The pain eventually gets left behind, but more pain replaces it. And now that I'm stuck in my house with my parents, I can't take it anymore. There are a bunch of rules that I am fine with, but there are a ton that I disagree with. I don't mind doing chores, but when it's something such as closing a window or picking up a toy that is 6 feet away from your current position, it just annoys me that I have to take time out of my enjoyment just to do something you could've done right then and there. And that happens all the time where I live, more than you'd expect. I can't tell you how many times my immersion of a game was broken by my mom shouting at me. My parents always blame everything on electronics. It just can't be that I want to be alone, it's always my phone's fault that I just want to keep to myself.

I haven't been sleeping well either. In the past week, I've slept at an average of 5 hours a day, and it has taken quite a toll on me. Since I can't enjoy the day, I go all out at night. I work on blogs, I chat with people, I watch YouTube, I do all the things that I couldn't do in the morning. Now I feel restless, get irittated more, and I make more errors and mistakes now. It was fine at first, but now I barely feel like getting up from bed. My back hurts a lot in particular as well, which sucks.

And when I am on NSA, things aren't too lively as well. I like getting my opinion out there, but it feels like nobody sees it. Like my recent review of Mark Of The Ninja Remastered for example. I worked my ass off on that, going into full detail on what I thought on the game, but it felt like it was just there. Maybe it was too long, maybe it was too much. But that's the thing. Now I don't feel like I'm good enough, and that I have to push myself harder. All the effort I spent on that blog felt like it was wasted.

I've been thinking of leaving for a while now, I've just been thinking of when. I have a lot of ideas and thoughts I want to share on this community, but I have no motivation to finish any of those drafts. And when I do leave, I end up feeling lonely and coming back again, but this time, it's different. I know that I'll come back eventually, and I'm going to use my time away to work on myself and my mental health. I feel like I'm on the verge of going nuts, and I just feel empty. You might even find this whole story comical, but it truly is hard to explain how I feel right now. I just want a short getaway.

I'm gonna be gone for a while. And I won't be able to take in Drax's gameshow. I will also miss the results for the #Randomstory contest. If I do win that, well...I don't know. I'd like my title to be "The Gunslinger", and I'll take the coins as well, but due to my past with not winning contests, I find my victory to be unlikely. So anyway, after I post this, I'll be going to delete the Amino app and will be back next week at minimum. If I don't come back before August, then I guess it's goodbye. Although it is very likely that I will come back. I need to continue working on these two in particular:

So yeah. Bye, for now.

~Yours truly, R4.

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