I'm realizing how much my childhood actually affected me and it's giving me a mild 'existencial crisis'
I recently realized how much of my life i don't and it led to a bit of an existential crisis.
Everything in my life up to age 14-15 is extremely hazy, the younger it goes, the less i . And a lot of the stuff i do "" was things i was told happened or had picture proof of.
While i a bit from school and friends, 90% of the things that happened with my family, more specifically my parents are just barely there. Some things i don't at all, other things are like an undeveloped picture, where you can kinda make out what it could be, but not really.
There are also more recent memories missing, whole tense conversations with my parents gone the moment they happened.
It's honestly terrifying.
Now, looking back at older pictures from my teens, i recognize them as me, but i don't that time.
It's as if it was someone else.
My family will talk with me about things from my childhood and i won't know what their talking about. If they bring up a specific name, it might spark some sense of recognition, but not much more than that.
During the times of my teens i do , my parents would also heavily gaslight me (and still do), which honestly makes believing the existing memories and feelings even harder.
I kind of just don't know who i truly am.
It's as if I'm not real half the time, or was just suddenly dropped into this life and now have to fill some role.
I'm either anxious or stressed out, or just empty and have to try and hang onto reality.
It all feels like a weird dream sometimes.
I'm planning on bringing it up with my therapist during my next appointment, but that is still a good bit away.
I'm trying to make sense of things, but i honestly don't really know how anymore.
I'm really struggling to ground myself during the day, but it seems as if nothing is working anymore.
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