I'm so tired and alone. I want to cry on someone's shoulder so bad. I want to sleep in someone's arms and feel safe. But until I can have that. I need to toughen up. I need to keep fixing this damn wall with glue. Until I can find cement.

Aaaalright here's my first vent

TW

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Sooo my first ex called from her new phone. Obviously I didn't know who it was so I picked up. When I heard her voice I was gonna hang up but god, it just sounded like she's been crying for hours. I felt bad so I heard her out. It was basically just her apologising. She kept insulting herself and she kept saying she was "sick" and that she needed help. I didn't even find words to say and she just kept talking. I eventually started crying myself when she said "You were the best thing to happen to me and I should not have ruined you like that."

There it is again. Ruin. She knows what she did well. And even though it made my life in a constant state of fear and feeling of worthlessness...god I feel bad for that monster. I feel bad for her and idk what that makes me. It's not pity either. I feel guilty. Which doesn't make any fucking sense considering what she did. But I feel guilty for not forgiving her. How much lower can I go when it comes to sanity?