Um I need insight

Not like anyone will read this but um so question

I feel embarrassed but I need to vent out my emotions because I can't help it. I don't want to be judged at all. I don't want to cause fights. I just need help trying to figure out something. I don't know how to feel it's like I feel highly anxious and upset right now. Not super upset, like upset that I did something wrong to hurt someone. Please did I do something wrong..? I am conflicted right now...

This guy and I talked this month. He's really nice and caring and I have nothing at all against him. So the conversation started very casual, friendly even on Amino, which then progressed to Insta.

For personal and privacy reasons I am not going to be telling his personal details but he's kind of an influencer on social media. So there's that, honestly there came a time where we did like each other and he confessed he felt something for me. And same here. How to say.. It was adorable as hell. We were affectionate to each other. As a drawer, I would draw for him and he'd post or tag me in his story to show he was grateful. We would send little voice messages of us being silly and warm to each other, and his voice would make me go fuzzy. He would tell me of all the things he would do, the places he would travel to if I was with him. I was doubting would he actually do it? I assumed it was a skit but it was still pleasing to my ears. And yeah it was happiness in a tiny bottle. Behind a phone screen to be more logical.

Then there came a time where he wanted to prove to me that he could be loyal and serious with me, so by proving so he let me share his fame , so that I could check that I'm the one he mostly talks to and that proved to be true. He would let me prank my friends using his and he wouldn't care. He'd be busy doing online classes while I'm on his geeking over his posts and feeling special I guess. It was really nice. I never had any bad intentions or anything, just stating the truth.

Just to make it clear, I didn't like him for his fame or his heritage. I was even skeptical that he was most likely toying around with me until he tried to prove that he wasn't. I fell for his cute boyish nature, I didn't really pay attention to the fact he had a lot of followers because I'm not that type of person. We would each other on social media and he would show me off in his story or posts. He was surprisingly serious and he believed in long distance relationships.

And now here's the thing. I am wary of online/long distance relationships. I've had bad experiences with them. Months ago one relationship cost me my dignity as a person, my happiness, self love and fucked up trust issues between me and my family. but I never had the time or courage to tell him because my situation was extremely personal and confidential and it had haunted me until now.

When I told my close friend about him, she figured that he was a nice guy, but obviously she advised me to not risk it. One because it's online, she knew about my previous story so she's definitely not a fan. And two, because of age difference I guess. I'm seventeen, just stating a fact to this amino and he just hit the second decade. For me , I thought about it, our age difference did irk me in the beginning, but I pushed it aside until I realized it is a big deal in the end. I thought about it for a good while.. Maybe I'm a little too young for a serious relationship and what we did was a little too quick. I wanted to see if he was willing to wait for me to get old enough I guess! I didn't want to end anything special, so one day, actually yesterday morning after I had to do online classes at 3am, Messaged him:

Good morning!!

Ahhhh so cute!!

Him: you need to sleep more :relaxed:

Yes!! Ahhhh yes!!

Sorry my mom was talking to me 🤣🤣

Him: It's okay

But I have a question first 🤣

Him: sure what is it?

How long are you willing to wait for me?

It was a simple and normal question. I tried explaining that he needed to be honest with me the whole way. I wasn't doing anything to shut him down. Do I think he's a wonderful person? Of course I do. Would I do anything to hurt him? No, he already is precious and special, hurting people isn't my thing. So here's the thing. I basically explained to him that maybe I want to wait a little until I'm a little more ready and a little older to initiate anything. I suggested that we can still be close affectionate friends, be warm and fuzzy to each other like we are right now!! And I think what I said upset him, even though I'm not cutting any with him. He replied to me bluntly, saying that he wasn't mad and that he understood my choice then went offline. It isn't in his nature of messaging to act so cold and distant and immediately I felt guilty and hurt that I might have said the wrong thing.

It fucked my mind up that early morning. He was cold after what I said and I felt like my heart was being crushed with broken glass. Did I really just do something wrong? I wasn't even being mean. I just wanted to wait I guess. Then like around 40 minutes afterwards the warm affectionate guy that I knew was gone, he felt like a total stranger to me. That was when I started breaking down I guess..

Let's just say I sent two long ass paragraphs of me saying sorry if I said something wrong and if I hurt him. I told him that I still have feelings for him and I didn't want him to feel like he was being used. Just words of hurt, also explaining that I didn't want to lose him, because I already gave him a special place in my heart, even if it wasn't as a love interest. And there's that.

Hurting someone is the last thing I would really do. And if I sensed that I did, I would immediately apologize. I respect the shit out of this guy. I needed him to know that he made me really happy, even if it was for a short time. He put so much faith and trust in me. I would wake up to his good morning messages and his caring words of making sure that I don't skip my meals and that I have a great day. I would be myself on call and he wouldn't judge my weird laugh or my sense of humor. He would always make sure that if I was not feeling well that he would wish me to feel better. And he would try to draw my face but fail miserably until I'm cackling like an old hag. These little things are imbedded in my memory and that seemed to be forgotten as soon as I asked to be friends.

Long story short, the minute I told him to be close friends and not lovers, he flipped the switch. He eventually unfollowed me on social media and deleted all posts and stories related to me. The he had was obviously changed but that was the least of my worries. I just had been ghosted. Even his annoying ass neighbor who likes him messaged me congratulations on giving him up and I wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up. He even posted love quotes on his story that I lied about saying I loved him?? For fuck's sake I only just asked to take it slow or wait for me, until we can possibly meet physically. I didn't do some serious shit as if I killed anybody?? Yeah I get that I might have not felt the exact same way but I guess it doesn't mean that you completely shut off a person just because they aren't ready by your standards. I may not be a perfect god like you, or afford the things you have, maybe I'm lowly compared to your clout standards but that doesn't stop me from venting my feelings truthfully just after you pretend whatever happened between us never existed.

I'm really lost and hurt right now because I had been cut off just like that. I'm still trying to comprehend what I did or said which was wrong. The fact that someone can easily forget and cut you off was a kick to the face. I'm even questioning reality that it's almost funny even. I feel like I'm in a clown reality show which finished the minute it started. I'm sorry man, you did so much to make me happy, make me giggle and smile, make me feel as if I was appreciated, you even permanently gave me your second which I will fully thank you for, complimented me, my laugh, personality, my drawing, my quirks, but now, what the actual hell? What did I do??

I feel so insecure and scared posting this but here I go.