:warning: TW Grief, Loss :warning:
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My little sister, I love you. Kiiya nii li deuy kaakiyow zhoornii. I mourn you every day. I miss you more than I can ever express.
I’m realizing I’ve not properly expressed my grief really ever. I used to journal when I was younger, when the loss was still fresh, but it was easier to seal it all away and not think about her or my loss as the years went by rather than acknowledge or relive it. In doing so all I’ve done is seal my grief, anger, and hurt away in a pandora’s box and it’s finally starting to break open. In a way, I felt safer in not expressing my pain at all. I could simultaneously pretend the loss never happened, and I was holding myself together the way my family wanted me to. I was told I wasn’t allowed to cry over her, after all.
It’s been almost eight years since she died. She would have been ten years old this year.
I’ve been thinking about her more often these last few weeks, more than I have in the last few years combined. It hurt too much to look at pictures or even think about her, so I just filed it away. I bottled it up and hoped the pain would eventually go away.
But with the pandemic and now being isolated clear across the country, many of the traumas I’ve tried to outrun are catching up to me.
I miss her.
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