When I'm relaxed I behave more feminine and have a more girly posture. I'm also kinder gentler, I know I will feel peace In my heart and soul if I became a woman. I may be dressed and presenting as a man at the moment I sill feel like a woman.
I've never felt true emotional bliss, not even as a child. I've always been what people wanted me to be, pretty much I was acting my hole life. I find peace in dressing like a woman, expressing myself as one. Yet I feel incomplete, I need to see myself hole as by not only presenting as one, but being a lady, mind, body, and spirit. My mind and spirit are already there I need my body to go along with the way I feel and transform into a woman.
Since I've moved out, away from my family. The first two months away from them has been an eye opener. I was forced to move out, since then clarity of thought has come back to me. I've been free of disrespect, wrongful accusations, getting screamed at for eating since when does family play steady your own get your own with food. But anyway, I'm confident anyone who reads my post's can get a good idea of what life was like living with my dad and my oldest brother. My families bullshit distracted me so much, throwing me off topic of what I needed to focus on which is me, making me happy. And in order to bring me happiness I feel, I should become a woman, it's what I see when I look in the mirror, a woman, how I express my emotions, I feel like a woman when I do. I truly feel transitioning will make me hole, a complete person, who I want to be and need to be, a woman, not a man, but a lady. I need to do this for myself and as an expression of me, an image of me that I must have, so that my mind, body, and spirit can be one, complete, and hole. So I can be me, not what everyone else wants and thinks I should be, and it's not to fit in or get extra attention it's so, I can be true to myself and stop acting though life and just be me and let the person out that's me, the person I've been hiding deep down inside, my mind needs this as relief from all the acting and trying to be what everyone else wants and expects me to be and present myself as.
Gender Dysphoria is when a person obsessively thinks they need to change there gender identity. (How things went for me, may be different than others)At first it's not one hundred percent accepted by the person questioning the way they present themselves.
I started by exploring music, softer music less aggressive, female oriented and other types of music people would consider soft. music less understanding people would consider to be gay, like Timmy trumpet or Lexi Panterra. When broken down into categories it goes like this,
softer forms of heavy metal, rock,Electronic, Pop, R&b, and transgender binary beats, I discovered music I like and could relate to, before that I listened to angry music like Korn or sad inspirational music Ghetto Gospel by Tupac Shukur. When listening to new music that I denied myself in the past it opened up my mind revealing, a more sensitive side. Which lead to the events, that occurred in my mind that lead to the return of my thoughts to my mind. (Reference my blog an enlightening moment).
Through the course of accepting music and emotions I've been denying myself, I realized that I've been projecting an image of someone I'm not, a man.It was difficult giving up on a image of myself I've projected as me, the person I thought I was, but it was the person I trained myself to be, to fit in and please other's. My mind looked for any and all reasons not to do it, but in the end, the person who I strive to be won, and the true me was awakened,,,,Erica
.
Memories of being young, playing barbies, painting my nails, the memories I buried deep in my mind are beginning to surface. Another memory that sufficed is of an old friend and telling me to stop speaking like a little kid, the thing is I was little and now that I think of it, I was speaking softer, kinda like girl, which could be seen as talking like a younger kid. And as a child I listened to music that was female oriented, or had female lead singers such as Destiny's child, spice girls, and Brittany spears are some examples. I always looked up to my sister Jessica, if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be able to sign anything, because she was the one who taught me how to write my name in cursive, the only thing I can read and write in cursive is my name, I can make out very few cursive letters.
I think by me exploring, accepting, and embracing who I am, helped free my mind from schizoeffective disorder.
I found through exploring my emotions, when I'm able to relax, my posture, how I feel inside is more feminine.
So many emotions I never felt before. I know in my heart I truly am a woman.
Comment