life update + vent (sort of)

so... long time no see.

Last time I was on this app, I was a pick-me e-girl that couldn't decide whether I wanted to be fem or masc and decided "ehh, both is close enough". Turns out, the answer was masc. Today, I am, for all you need to know, a man. I shave my beard regularly, drive and maintain a motorbike, and have enough piercings and tattoos to send my poor dainty old religious grandmother into her grave. You wouldn't look at me and ever think that I danced around in rainbow skirts and was called "Princess" for most of my life.

I have come to accept the fact that I am a man. Due to my extremely religious background (I used to be muslim, my family still is), I cut off whatever family still acknowledged me and moved. I already faced a lot of shit in my life and have had to deal with worse, so it wasn't as impactful as people told me. The only person I speak to from my past is someone that I have a... complicated relationship with.

That brings us to the vent. I don't usually do this but if I don't tell someone, I might combust.

Honestly, I never expected to have girl problems. I was happy with dying alone until I met her. Z. The bane of my existence, the oxygen in my veins, the drug that I can never get enough of.

Everyday for almost 3 years, all I think about is her. All my relationships fail because they never amount to her. She is the sun and I am the tiny human on Earth that has never touched grass. We met through a mutual friend, a guy we both were interested in, and we started talking since— well, shit, it never hurts to make friends. And I haven't been able to stop since. Every time I find myself in a vulnerable position, I go back to her. It's a running gag now that if I text her, it means I'm sick and need her. I miss her right now, I missed her yesterday, and I want to claw my eyes out thinking about how I'll miss her tomorrow. I always do. And she isn't any better. She'll text me when she's drunk, or had a nightmare. Sometimes she blesses my eyes with pictures of random shit; her dorm, her food, a fucking tree. We're stuck in a stalemate of want and I was the one to put my foot down and say we can't be together and I regret it every day. It's impossible, and I'm not being dramatic. She's the type of person to want to get married, to settle down with a few kids. She's studying at a good university, and her father is a politician. My father ed the milk club and left me to work at a garage. I can't even pursue a relationship with her because I know it'll fail, and when the time comes for us to part, I don't think I'll be able to let her go.

I hate feeling this way. I hate wishing that she were here, that I could talk to her, be with her, but I know I can't. She's soft, even softer when it comes to me for whatever reason— she wouldn't deal with my shit otherwise. I know that if I talk to her, I ruin her peace. I want her to be happy and meet some rich white guy like she keeps bragging about, and not end up with some sad deadbeat. But the thought of her with someone else, watching her be with other guys that never seemed to understand her, getting with other people to fill the void myself, all of it just fills me with dread. I love her, and it's sick and twisted. It's unfair. Still, I would rather suffer than waste her time. I can't say this to anyone else, so who better than strangers I'll never meet?

Alright, vent over.

TLDR; I need some nicotine. Probably also to get off my phone.