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This will contain things about eating disorders, depression, self harm and also a dogé. So if you are sensitive to that topic, please get yo niceness out the door, your mental health is too important.
Alright, so yep, I'm doing this challenge. I personally think it'll also help me get out some feelings about this year so I'm actually very excited to do it! This is also my first 'challenge' thing and I don't really care about coming a good place, so sorry if it's bad.
Dear 2019,
A lot happened this year. I mean a lot. It was hell, but it was also so so loving and ive and useful, and with all the pain, I wouldn't trade it for anything. This year started out with the joys of being able to escape my old school. It gave me the opportunity to finally go away from that hatred and where, I'm being honest, was the root for a lot of my mental issues. In this new school, I've come across a lot, and had to deal with a lot, but it's all been worth it. I found new friends and became so comfortable in my own skin and my personality, and I personally think that is an amazing achievment and I'm so happy for my self that I've come around to thinking I'm a terrible person who could maybe live a little longer, than a terrible person who couldn't. It may not seem a big step, but it's taken so long and I'm so glad it I got there. I even got a new dog, and she's really helped me get outside and help my mental health and stability. I love her so much and I know she'll always be there for me.
However, with all the joyous stuff this year, there has been some bad hurtful moments by default. In my first year of my new school, my body dysphoria took a turn and I finally fell into anorexia. I missed so much school, was almost failing, putting a strain on my family and having to go into intense therapy for my condition. It was horrific. I never realised how badly anorexia was controlling me, and how wrecked my mental state was. It was so so painful, and my depression and anxiety sky rocketed. Just breathing seemed like a chore and at school, I felt alone. At home, I only felt like a ca of pain. I'd have to spend hours with my crying mother who was pained over my illness, in 1 word, it was hell. It took 9 months, 9 months of having to miss school for appointments, constant questions of why I wasn't there, aching depression, and dealing with my friend's problems. It was tough. Very tough. Despite that, I recently got discharged, and I'm so happy I can say that I have been cured of that god forsaken illness. It had impacted my life so much in the few months, and to say I was free meant everything yo me.
In that time though, I witnessed a lot. I began self harm, which I have to say, was the worst decision of my life, I have scars, and not just physical ones. I have scarred my poor family, and burdened them with my sadness. It was really hard to get through, and as you can imagine, I was in a very bad place. I still get urges, but I'm moving through, and I'm so happy to say I've been clean for the last few weeks! If you are going through something like that, you honestly need to tell someone, anyone who you can trust and is an adult or a sensible person, do not keep it to yourself. You deserve to be happy and so many people are out there and are willing to help your amazing self.
Through this year, I've also had to deal with a bipolar friend of mine, whom I've already mentioned in past posts. It was so hard for me and my friend group to deal with. He's getting professional help but not at school. It's been terrible, since me and my friends have to try and stop him from cutting. It's so painful. He's my best friend. And I know, he won't be by my side in a few years. It makes me want to cry every time. However, I think he is getting better in his situation, so I hope this pain will end. I know I've used the word pain a lot, but I really don't know what other words to use. It's just been pain this year.
And lastly, to top it off with something cheery, I've been able to express and accept my sexuality, which I honestly couldn't be more excited about, it's taken a long long time, but I'm ecstatic to say I've actually got it! Thank you so much for reading and I'm glad this year has been a partial success. I've learnt a lot and I'm glad of my new found knowledge. It's been hard, but I did it and I wish everyone luck for next year, I love ya and I hope you have an amazing day
-Random Amino Donut :)
<3
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