How to Deal With Transphobic Parents

It's tough when your parents or other family don't accept you or other people for being transgender. Whether you’ve come out to them or you feel ionately about standing up for the rights of all people, dealing with your parent’s transphobia can be difficult. As difficult as it seems, try and be understanding of their emotions and reactions and give your parents space to experience them. Reach out for outside of your home by making ive friends, meeting allies, and ing a group. Be patient and stay hopeful.

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Part One of Four:

Speaking with your Parents

1

Tell them your convictions.

If your parents don’t know your views, share them. Whether you’re trans or not, you can stand up for your views and for trans people in general. Tell your parents why you are an ally to trans people and why it’s important to you to stick up for them. Being transparent with them will help them understand you better and learn your views. It will also help you because it will allow you to express yourself without hiding your true feelings.

•For example, say, “I think it’s important to stand up for trans people. Many trans people already feel marginalized, so it’s important to me to be there and them.”

•You can also say, “I don’t know what it feels like to feel unsafe, but they do. I want to help trans people feel safe.”

2

Draw some boundaries for comments and behavior.

If you know you disagree with your parents, set some boundaries for how you interact. Even if you strongly oppose one another, both you and your parents deserve to be treated with respect. Don't let anyone use name-calling, derogatory remarks, or curse words. Ask your parents not to say things about trans people around you or in public.

If you can’t talk about trans issues without getting upset or blowing up at each other, you might want to drop it. You can’t change their minds, and you may have to agree to disagree.

Your goal should be to allow both you and your parents to make yourselves heard, not to change each other's opinions.

3

Confront negative remarks.

You might have ignored some transphobic comments your parents made at first, but you may want to start saying something. A polite (not angry) confrontation can help change their attitudes and behaviors. Control your anger and don’t take it out on them. See it as a way to share your views and kindness with them.

•For example, say, “That was an unkind comment. Please don’t say that.”

•You can also say, “Please don’t say those things, especially around me. I think all people should be treated with respect, whether they differ from me or not.”

4

Accept them where they’re at.

You might have to accept that your parents just don't understand, no matter how hard you try. It’s upsetting when you feel like your parents don’t understand or you or the things you care about, but it can take time for them to see things differently. Acknowledge their feelings and where they are at.

•If you’re trans and feel unaccepted, don't completely lose hope for your parents. Tell them that you love them and that they must accept who you really are.

•Expect it to take a little time. Make sure you are getting what you need without their in the meanwhile.

Part Two of Four:

Navigating Coming Out

1

Consider your risks before coming out.

There may be several factors which contribute to coming out to your parents and when that might happen. For example, if you’re under 18, coming out to your transphobic parents might have some large consequences and may make living at home uncomfortable. Your parents may put you in therapy or try to ‘convert’ you. However, if you feel like you’re living a lie or you want to make changes to your body, you may want to come out sooner. Your family might respond just as you expect or they might surprise you.

•Most importantly, ask yourself if you feel physically and emotionally safe about telling your family that you’re trans.

•If your parents disown you or cast you out, ask yourself if you’re prepared to live in your own. Do you have enough money to provide for yourself and do you have a place to live?

•Some people choose to turn 18 and move out of the house before disclosing. It’s up to you.

•Consider going to a group or ing an online forum for tips on coming out to your parents and to better prepare yourself. A good forum for this is called "Empty Closets," which you can visit at https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php.

2

Ask for acceptance.

While you may not be ready to come out as transgender and tell your parents at this moment, do talk to them and at least let them in on how you feel. Try to educate them about transgender issues and what you are going through. Understanding what you are going through could help them accept you. If they aren’t ready to hear that you’re transgender or you’re not ready to tell them, ask for them to accept you as you are. This can help build an accepting relationship with your parents.

•For example, say, “I know I’m a bit different from my siblings, but I want to talk to you. It’s hard for me to feel like I fit in.”

•If you’ve come out and your parents aren’t accepting say, “I know you don’t accept that I’m transgender, but I want you to accept me as your child and as part of this family.”

•You can get helpful information from GLAAD.

3

Ensure your personal safety.

If at any point you feel threatened or in danger by your parents or family, get help. Immediately go somewhere that you feel safe, like a friend’s house or an LGBT center.

•If you think they may cause you harm, take action. Send a text or make a phone call to someone you trust. If necessary, call the police.

4

Ask for what you want and need.

Even if your parents aren’t understanding of you being transgender, still ask them for what you want and need. If you have requests for your parents, make them reasonable and not outrageous. For example, they should still treat you with respect and not cut you down or make you feel bad.

•For example, say, “I know you disagree with me on some big things, but I still need to feel like your kid. Please don’t leave me out of family get-togethers or stop giving me hugs.”

•It’s inappropriate to demand your parents to pay for reassignment surgery. However, you may ask them to see if insurance will cover other procedures.

5

Have patience.

You cannot force your parents to accept you for being transgender on any timeframe. It may take months or even years for your parents to accept you. It can take time for your parents to understand that they cannot change your gender identity. They need time to adjust just as much as you do.

•You’ve had some time to sit with it and realize that you’re transgender, but they have not. They might feel shocked, hurt, disappointed, or confused. Give them some time to process and accept what you tell them.

•The hurt caused by not feeling accepted by your parents may be confused by the fact that you love them and want them in your life. At some point, your parents may soften and realize they want a good relationship with you, too.

Part Three of Four:

Reaching Out for

1

Lean on those who love you.

You may feel sad and disappointed if your parents are transphobic. Dealing with a difficult relationship with your parents can be tough, so make sure you have ive people around you. Be around people who understand you, love you, and want the best for you.

•It helps to feel ed by people who care. Even if they don’t understand your gender identity, the fact that they care and are there for you can help.

2

a community.

There are lots of ways to get involved and meet other people who are LGBT. depending on where you live, there might be an LGBT community in your town that can provide resources, counseling, and . If you can’t find a center near you, an online community. You can meet others your age with similar concerns and problems regarding family.

•Most importantly, communities help you recognize that you’re not alone. You don’t have to do this by yourself and others know how you feel.

•Check meetup.com for groups that meet in your area.

•You can also visit the The Transgender Institute for tips at http://transinstitute.org/.

3

Find allies.

Allies are people who are not transgender but may stick up for you (and other LGBT people), be an advocate at school or at the workplace, or simply show their of you and other people in the LGBT community. There may be a network of allies at your school, workplace, or online.

•Count on your allies to you, even if they don’t know you. Their role is to spread inclusivity and be a .

4

Speak with a therapist.

You might find it difficult to traverse being transgender and not accepted by your family, a therapist might help. Choose a therapist who specializes in working with transgender and LGBT clients. They can help you navigate how to handle conflicts, bring up transitioning, and feel better with being yourself.

•Find a therapist through your (or your family’s) insurance provider or a local mental health clinic. You can also ask friends or your local LGBT resource center for a referral.

5

Tell someone if you’re suicidal.

If you feel like you can’t go on and want to take your life, recognize that there are resources for you. Call a hotline to talk to someone who’s understanding and wants to help. Don’t remain silent or try to take your life. It might feel impossible to go on, but there are things you can do now to make yourself feel better.

•Call a trusted friend or family member to come over.

•In the USA, call the Trevor Project at 866-488-7386. You can also chat or text. You can also call the Trans Lifeline at 877-565-8860.

Part Four of Four:

Separating Yourself from Your Parents

1

Find a safe place.

Some parents don’t know how to handle their fear, disappointment, or other negative emotions and may take it out on you. If your parents are physically or emotionally abusive to you, find a safe place, like a friend’s house. If you don’t feel safe in your own home, seek shelter somewhere you do feel safe.

•Maybe moving out isn’t an option or you’re too young to move. If this is the case, spend more time at after-school activities or with friends.

2

Create a chosen family.

If you don’t feel accepted by your own family and you don’t think that will happen any time soon, find a chosen family to spend time with or move in with. A chosen family isn’t your family by blood but by love and care. Your chosen family may include someone in your community or people you meet online that choose to ‘adopt’ you as one of their own.

•You might find a chosen family at a LGBT center or LGBT event.

•A chosen family should you in accepting that you’re transgender and not put you down in any way.

3

Become emancipated.

If you are underage and feel unsafe in your home, consider getting emancipated. Being emancipated grants you legal rights as an adult even though you are under 18. You can gain emancipation through a legal process.

•Generally, you must be 16 years or older, be living on your own and managing your own money.

Citation:

https://m.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Transphobic-Parents